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Original poster

Alone time has made me realise I'm unhappy

11 replies

Chasingyourtail · 07/03/2024 19:55

I've been off work with stress for a few weeks and am feeling ready to return. DH has been working and DS has been at pre school. As someone who isn't so good at being alone, I can't believe how healing this time by myself has been. As soon as the weekend rolls round, I am so fed up of our 3 YO not listening to us. He does not engage with our conversations, he hits us, throws and constantly does the opposite of what he's told. DH is deeply irritable most of the time and puts this down go being tired. There is constant shouting and a negative atmosphere. I just can't see that this is normal. Or will it pass?

OP posts:
Shimmeringstar · 07/03/2024 20:04

I’m not sure I can offer much advice but maybe some solidarity will be a comfort? I could have written this myself and am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

mamacorn1 · 07/03/2024 20:06

This is a real tough time when your kids are so young. It’ll get better as time goes by and when ds goes to pre school.
try to arrange some time for yourself each week, even one evening perhaps , so you still have some alone time.

Toblerbone · 07/03/2024 20:06

The 3yo not listening is very normal and will pass! The DH being irritable may pass I suppose. What was he like pre DC?

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Lostthetastefordahlias · 07/03/2024 20:08

Not sure if you have other children, but my 3 yr old is like this and I have a 5 year old who grew out of it when she was 4. So I am hoping it won’t be long.
Do you work full time? Can you work some alone time into your weeks. For example DH and I take it in turns to go to the gym in the morning. He does bedtime Tues & Weds and I go out/ relax with some noise cancelling headphones on. At the weekend can you have 3hrs each off to watch a film or go out? It sounds like you need more breaks than you’re getting?

Beansandneedles · 07/03/2024 20:10

Oh goodness this sounds draining. But solidarity! Living with other people can be very tiresome. I said just this week I wasn't mentally prepared that family life would essentially mean that at least 25% of the household would be in a bad mood at any one time. It's tough. I've no idea if it's normal, but it certainly sounds similar to my household a lot of the time. However without the aggression and violence from a threenager anymore. We used to have that a lot, but I read 'calmer happier easier parenting' (and the boy specific one), 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and 'the book you wish your parents had read' and it really changed how I (and ergo DH) parent. My son is 5 now and we don't have any of that sort of behaviour. It may be that he just outgrew it, but I think it was because we changed the culture in the house. My youngest is now approaching 3 and starting to show her temper, but now that the atmosphere in the house is one of "take a breath", "hit a pillow", "have a hug" it feels like I have a toolbox to turn to. Or perhaps she was always going to be more chill than him. It's hard to say for definite! There is a fabulous chapter on 'never ask twice' though which I highly recommend. But excruciating at the start but it was worth persevering for this house.

As for the OH, it's not your job to find ways to make him less irritable, but for the greater good of the household it may be time for a chat about what you both need from life? My husband needs to go for at least one long run a week otherwise he's abysmal to live with. I need to get dressed every day in solitude, and every now and again I need a day at home by myself. Knowing that these two things help our household to be happier we are sure to facilitate the time for the other to get what they need.

One thing I've realised is I'm someone who tends to focus on/remember the bad bits. for a time I had a one line a day diary which I'd write down at least 2 good things which happened that day (it's actually more like one small paragraph a day if you write small!). I didn't keep it up, but it was good at offering perspective.

Maybe this time alone has made you realise there's an imbalance which needs addressing, now up to you and your team how you're going to address it! Wishing you luck.

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 08/03/2024 05:48

Shimmeringstar · 07/03/2024 20:04

I’m not sure I can offer much advice but maybe some solidarity will be a comfort? I could have written this myself and am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sending love @Shimmeringstar maybe it will pass for us both 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 08/03/2024 05:52

mamacorn1 · 07/03/2024 20:06

This is a real tough time when your kids are so young. It’ll get better as time goes by and when ds goes to pre school.
try to arrange some time for yourself each week, even one evening perhaps , so you still have some alone time.

Thank you for the advice. I'll definitely look at carving some time like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 08/03/2024 05:54

Toblerbone · 07/03/2024 20:06

The 3yo not listening is very normal and will pass! The DH being irritable may pass I suppose. What was he like pre DC?

Thank you! DHs moods go up and down. It was interesting the other day as he mentioned that having our DS has given him more purpose and relieved some of the depression he used to have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 08/03/2024 05:55

Lostthetastefordahlias · 07/03/2024 20:08

Not sure if you have other children, but my 3 yr old is like this and I have a 5 year old who grew out of it when she was 4. So I am hoping it won’t be long.
Do you work full time? Can you work some alone time into your weeks. For example DH and I take it in turns to go to the gym in the morning. He does bedtime Tues & Weds and I go out/ relax with some noise cancelling headphones on. At the weekend can you have 3hrs each off to watch a film or go out? It sounds like you need more breaks than you’re getting?

Just the one child but I do work full time. Yes, I think I need that fine and to ask DH what he needs.

OP posts:
CheeseAlways · 08/03/2024 05:56

Literally same with a 3 and 1 year old. Awful atmosphere at home - I much prefer being alone!!! Also hoping it passes…

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 08/03/2024 05:58

Beansandneedles · 07/03/2024 20:10

Oh goodness this sounds draining. But solidarity! Living with other people can be very tiresome. I said just this week I wasn't mentally prepared that family life would essentially mean that at least 25% of the household would be in a bad mood at any one time. It's tough. I've no idea if it's normal, but it certainly sounds similar to my household a lot of the time. However without the aggression and violence from a threenager anymore. We used to have that a lot, but I read 'calmer happier easier parenting' (and the boy specific one), 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and 'the book you wish your parents had read' and it really changed how I (and ergo DH) parent. My son is 5 now and we don't have any of that sort of behaviour. It may be that he just outgrew it, but I think it was because we changed the culture in the house. My youngest is now approaching 3 and starting to show her temper, but now that the atmosphere in the house is one of "take a breath", "hit a pillow", "have a hug" it feels like I have a toolbox to turn to. Or perhaps she was always going to be more chill than him. It's hard to say for definite! There is a fabulous chapter on 'never ask twice' though which I highly recommend. But excruciating at the start but it was worth persevering for this house.

As for the OH, it's not your job to find ways to make him less irritable, but for the greater good of the household it may be time for a chat about what you both need from life? My husband needs to go for at least one long run a week otherwise he's abysmal to live with. I need to get dressed every day in solitude, and every now and again I need a day at home by myself. Knowing that these two things help our household to be happier we are sure to facilitate the time for the other to get what they need.

One thing I've realised is I'm someone who tends to focus on/remember the bad bits. for a time I had a one line a day diary which I'd write down at least 2 good things which happened that day (it's actually more like one small paragraph a day if you write small!). I didn't keep it up, but it was good at offering perspective.

Maybe this time alone has made you realise there's an imbalance which needs addressing, now up to you and your team how you're going to address it! Wishing you luck.

Thanks so much for this response! I started reading the book you wish your parents read last night and already know it will resonate.

Absolutely, I think we need to both carve more time for ourselves.

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