Please help - extreme sleep training guilt

[AmberBee34]

Please help me… my baby is 5.5 months old and for the last 2 months has woken up 5-7 times a night. In desperation and with encouraging from a friend, I purchased a course by a sleep expert. The so called expert encouraged basically the Ferber method instead of more gentle methods claiming it would be less stressful and quicker for the baby in the long run. We did one night where I left baby to cry in total 13 mins in increments of 2 and 3 minutes and then it took another ten minutes to settle her finally in her cot and quick pick up. I cannot keep reliving her cries and how distressed she sounded and feel so disgusted with myself that I put my trusting little girl through that (especially as there had been signs her sleep was improving however I was desperately tired at that point). It’s clear in retrospect that her cries were not only angry cries (as the sleep expert claimed they would be I.e the babies are only annoyed you are changing habits) but also sad cries and it breaks my heart that I willingly put her through that especially as it was for nothing as there is no way I will continue. I also know a bit about brain development and the effect of stress on the brain and cannot believe I forgot all that and did this. Please help - this was two days ago and feel so sad and guilty I don’t know what to with myself. I just wish I could take it back.

Oh pet, some people love Ferber some hate it. I am like you I can’t do it …. My DD is everything I’ve ever wanted and how could I let her lie there and be confused and obviously you feel the same way…. So throw the book or course away and know that didn’t work for you and this too shall pass…. It doesn’t feel like it at the time but honestly it does ….

Forgive yourself as the exhaustion is crippling and isolating and know you made a mistake and you are bound to make more than one being a mum!!! Extra cuddles for your little one you will both be fine

I know it is hard but I don’t agree with the method you describe. We didn[t go back in but sat downstairs. The first night it was 15 mins, the second night it was five minutes and then after that our daughter just went to sleep. I can honestly say it did her no harm at all. We had friends who lived in a mansion flat with a long hallway. They thought their baby was settling down and didn’t realise the batteries in the monitor had gone flat.

I used a method my HV suggested which was increments of 30 seconds each time you go back, start with a 30 second cry, settle, the. 1 minute etc... I never got beyond 2.5 minutes

Ok breath. Clearly the Ferber menthod isn’t for yous and you won’t be doing it again but I think you need a bit of perspective here. Do you really believe that every baby who has had to cry unattended for 13 minutes has detrimental brain development? Of course they don’t! Pretty much every baby alive has cried for longer than that for example in the car, while mums in the shower, while mums attending to other children, cooking dinner etc etc etc. yes leaving baby’s to cry unattended isn’t ideal and in this situation no it wasn’t necessary but she will be absolutely fine. Forgive yourself and move on.

Hey, you haven't done anything wrong. You feel guilty because you did something that made your child, who you love, upset. I really recommend reading The Happy Sleeper which explains the science behind 'sleep training' (they don't call it that) and it totally changed my mindset. I am a better parent because I am sleeping and my DS is happier because he's sleeping better too. In a few years your kid is going to want ice cream for breakfast and you are going to say no and she will cry and you'll feel bad. But you're teaching her something valuable, which you are doing by allowing her to learn to put herself to sleep, rather than you doing it for her. If you don't want to continue, that's all good, but don't feel bad for giving it a go

Bless you OP. I'd never judge anyone for sleep training - sleep deprivation is brutal and those early months are so tough. Personally, sleep training isn't right for us as a family, and our DD has gradually become a much better sleeper. You too will get there :-)

Don't feel guilty for having tried it. I've had rare moments with our DD when she was little where I've shouted at bedtime or been a little rough putting her in her cot, just out of pure exhausted frustration. She's never shown any sign of having been affected by this (although I don't think I'll ever shift that guilty feeling myself!).