Toddler hitting his daddy

[Harrjenk]

Hi, I’m after a bit of advice from someone who has been through this and come out the otherside! My nearly 3 yr old son quite often hits/scratches/pinches his Daddy. It seemingly comes out of nowhere. He never does it to me or to any other adult or anyone his own age. When we talk about it he says he feels sad when he does it and he is aware that he is gentle with me and not with Daddy as he will offer that up.

we’re not sure what to say/do to try and stop the behavior as it can really be quite painful for my husband. We’ve tried discussing it, telling him No (sharply, gently etc), removing him as soon as he does it, having “time in” with one of us in case it’s a need for connection behavior. They have a very jokey relationship- there’s lots of laughing and hiding and general japes, and a bit of rough-housing which we have put a stop to temporarily in case that was the issue.

any advice? Appreciate it!

Try getting your DH and your son to do connective activities. Less of the rough and tumble, more making playdo pies together, doing a lego kit, colouring in. Make sure your husband does it with him not for him. It should help them bond.

He's a toddler he'll grow out of it

Strong feelings that he doesn't know how to deal with, I agree with the above posters just keep talking about feelings, moving out of the way and suggesting alternative things to do eg clap hands or use words.
Might be worth giving the child more space, often adults can get in children's face a bit and the child can seem happy but they're actually overwhelmed as well.
Hang in there it'll be on in the end!

Some advice we had was:
If you see it coming gently stop him by moving just out of reach or by holding his hand and saying "I'm not going to let you hit/pinch/etc me."

You can also designate a beanbag or pillow and say "if you need to hit something/pinch etc then you can hit this." That gives an outlet in a controlled way.. acknowledging the need but teaching him to control it. You can buy sensory necklaces designed for biting and chewing which he could wear as a special toy when he's playing with daddy.. or having it hanging somewhere convenient.

I also agree with the bonding.. maybe your son needs a different interaction with his dad to whet he's getting.

This is very unlikely to be connected to any desire to hurt his dad deliberately- I think it's about making connections.

Children have poor impulse control and at that age almost no understanding of cause & effect.. they also don't develop proper empathy for several more years.

You could also enquire at nursery, if he goes, whether any other children do this.. or if he does it there.. he may be trying out something he's seen or experienced there.

"giving an outlet in a controlled way" is outdated advice now known to ramp the aggression up. Don't do that. Just punish quickly and sharply every time. He will quickly get conditioned out of it. You don't "gentle parent" out of physical aggression - "gentle parenting" encourages aggression

Mine is 2 and a half and if he hurts anyone he gets a very firm "no, we do not hit people" and he is removed from the situation then breezily move on "shall we play with the Duplo" and immediate start getting the Duplo out.

He has always responded well if you're firm but you have to be very firm and show that you absolutely will not affect that sort of behaviour.

Stop with the "rough housing" it'd giving mixed messages

He's doing it for the reaction.

First, catch him before he does it, and if he does manage to hit or pinch, don't react.

He doesn't understand, he's just playing cause and effect.

I don't agree with this. It's good for children to have rough play and play fighting. If you have strong boundaries they understand absolutely fine.

My son is 2 and a half and I play rough with him and he knows the difference between play fighting and hurting someone. He plays beautifully with other children and he knows the consequences of taking things to far. It's good for children's development to play fight and wrestle.

No… addressing the need behind the behaviour is not outdated. The question is whether this is actually aggression or an inappropriate expression of a need… there’s a difference.

either way, acting aggressively somewhere else just increases aggressive behaviour.

My 3 yr old DD did this for a short while. I'm convinced she saw it done in nursery and just copied what she saw. Carry on what you're doing and it will soon fade.

Yup would second this. My five year olds relationship with his father improved dramatically when we increased the roughhousing rather than taking it away. My OH offers options for rough play and they agree rules in advance (no pinching for example). If the rules are broken once they're reiterated, twice and the play changes to something different, if it's still not working then it stops for the day. But it means he has a regular outlet for energy, and the two of them are bonding incredibly. Saw something recently that children and mothers get oxytocin from affectionate behaviour whereas dads and kids get it from play. Might be worth op looking into?

Thanks everyone. Difficult to know re: roughhousing- sometimes I wonder if my son hitting Daddy is his way of roughhousing but getting it a bit wrong which is why we’re having a temporary break from it. But it doesn’t seem to be working!

first thing my son did this morning when he woke up is come and snuggle with me, and then reach over and hit Daddy. Daddy reacts crossly, son gets upset and I have to take my son away. This happens most mornings. I spoke to my son about it afterwards when we were all calmer and he says he feels sad when he does it. I’m struggling to find the appropriate consequence for it- I’m generally not a big fan of time outs or shouting etc. He’s gentle with everyone else- friends, animals, toys etc. So it’s something in their connection or interaction that makes him do it but I’m not sure what! Recently my husband has been at home a bit more than usual (he’s in the military and so he can be away a lot) and we hoped it might improve but it hasn’t made a discernible difference. I’m a bit fed of up of refereeing it to be honest!

Don't "referee" it. He's his father, leave them to it. If you're taking your son away from him your sending a message that daddy is someone to hit and keep at bay and mummy bundles him away.

They need to establish their own relationship.

To be honest if my son goes to hit me and I can sense it's because he's got misplaced energy and just wants to play then I make light of it. I'll grab his little hands in mid air as he goes to hit and tickle him. Diffuses the situation instantly. Then we go have a bit of a wrestle on the bed and a chase around the house til he's exhausted it out of his system.

His dad is a grown man, he is capable of play fighting with him and controlling how it goes.

If that's not how you want to approach it then when he hits his dad his dad should bundle him up, all fun and laughter, and scoop him off to his room to play, or off to the garden to run about together. He needs focussed play time with his dad.

We tell my daughter we don't hit/bite etc we cuddle. Shall we have a cuddle? Except when she has worked herself up into a rage it works well as it means hiting/biting doesn't give her anything she wouldn't get normally.

Agreed!

I agree- don't referee it, leave his Dad to deal with it. TBH it sounds like jealously - he doesn't want to share you with his Dad, and if Dad has been away a lot, he might just not be used to him being there. The answer to that is for Dad to build up his own relationship so the child is pleased to see Dad too

That’s not true. Gentle parenting helps with emotional regulation so a child knows what to do with their aggression. More aggression is what ramps up aggression. You’re an adult right? When someone talks calmly to you, do you get more aggressive? If so, that’s an issue with your own regulation