Autism in both boys- my fault?

[tiggersfamily]

My 2 amazing boys are 2.5 and 3.5, both suspected autism (not diagnosed, but paediatricians think it's likely and it's quite obvious). We've had a rough start as a 3, their dad and his family were quite abusive to me (I realise 'narcissist' is thrown about a lot but as a family, they all had many characteristics of personality disorders), I became a single parent when my youngest was 6 months old, and didn't receive much help from him before that anyway. They were both also born during lockdowns, and I suffered PND, I was almost placed in a mother and baby unit but managed to stay at home with my mums support. As a result I used the tv far too much to survive the days, and their diet was never as good as I wanted it to be (also due to undiagnosed allergies).

I just can't shake the feeling that somehow I have caused their autism. I know as fact that it is genetic and this isn't really possible, but I just think maybe if I'd have been a better parent they would be more developed and the autism would not be so obvious.

They are both thriving in their own ways really, they are really happy, chatty boys and have specific interests that we celebrate. I am much better at parenting these days, we are out and about most of the week and I put every ounce of energy I have into them.

How do I shake this feeling that it's my fault?

You can't cause autism and even if you had, as you say yourself "They are both thriving in their own ways really, they are really happy, chatty boys and have specific interests that we celebrate."

This is so beautiful! So many autistic children have parents who at best don't understand them and at worst resent them. Sounds like your children are really lucky to have you as a parent. It also sounds like they perhaps don't have significantly high needs? so with the right support (for you and for them) ASD doesn't have to shape their lives in negative ways and can actually be a good thing. My cousin uses their autistic traits to their best advantage and is thriving in academia, with friends, a relationship, everything. So even if you had caused it (which you havent) maybe autism could end up being a blessing in their lives. You've got this!

Maybe you can find a support group of other parents who uplift and celebrate their autistic kids like you do 🤗

Aw, that really cheered me up. Thank you so much. I think todays been particularly hard as my eldest has been asked to leave his childminders because of difficult behaviour. But yes, they are 'high functioning' and have a lot of language already, and both extremely clever with excellent memories. Thank you for taking the time to respond with that :)

I would guess that your ex probably has ASD as do others in his family and that is where it comes from, it tends to run in families. People with ASD are actually more at risk from personality disorders I believe because they often have a very difficult childhood.

Their diet probably often wasn't very good because children with ASD often prefer beige food or have certain safe foods. You're doing brilliantly OP and feeling all this guilt is not doing anyone any good.

That's another area I've struggled, I was terrible at making mum friends. Partly because of the difficult situation and partly because I'm terrible at social stuff anyway, having them has made me seek a diagnosis for adhd and autism myself. We are soon moving to a new area which I hope is going to be a good opportunity to find a new community :)

There are differences in the autistic brain in utero, you didn’t cause their hair colour, shoe size or this! You are born autistic not made x

You didn’t cause their autism.

It’s also really important to remember that many adults are very happy with ASD. We wouldn’t want to be neurotypical. Yes, there are people out there having huge challenges, but there are also people just living pretty normal lives with jobs, houses, and families.

You cannot cause autism. But autistic traits in young children can be underlying mental health issues, adhd, and environmental ... the good news is that if they are let's just say different due to environmental factors and you work hard to ensure that they have a better home life (I'm really not being judgemental) then they will grow out of said traits (if it is autism then unfortunately this isn't something you could have changed even with a "perfect" start to their lives, whatever that means.

Too much tv and not enough interaction with caregivers can delay speech, fairly anecdotal as far as evidence but I know a person who is leading in the field who has discussed this at length with me, but it's reversible

Hi OP, you didn't cause their autism! It's genetic. My DD eats loads of vegetables and is still autistic. I also suffered from guilt after my child's diagnosis - I think it's a fairly normal reaction. You are not to blame. Best thing to do is look forward and support them. It's so lovely that you celebrate their special interests, take them out and spend lots of time with them. It sounds like you are an amazing mum who is giving them lots of support - they are lucky!

Nothing you did, just nature doing its thing. Be thankful that they are already on the path to a diagnosis, you having awareness of autism will help immensely from a young age, you'll be just fine xx

Autism is genetic mostly so don't feel bad. My son is autistic and so are many of his friends and several other kids I know. Yes most of them struggled in some ways at school (my son struggled at primary but was fine in mainstream secondary, a friends son was fine at primary but became a school refuser at secondary one was fine all the way through - like all kids they are all different!). However now as young adults they are all doing really well. We really nutured my sons special interest and when he said he didn't want to go to college and wanted to start working we found him some great work experience in year 10 and they offered him an apprenticeship when he left school. He is doing amazingly well. The friends son who was a school refuser is now at drama school and very happy with friends and a boyfriend. I know plenty of neurotypical children who are struggling with mental health issues etc. Being autistic can be hard and I appreciate some people have other learning disabilites with it which makes life even harder but there are so many people with autism living happy and fulfilled lives! Please don't feel bad or too sad about it. Enjoy your children for who they are and remember (like Temple Grandins mother said to her) your kids are different not less.

Definitely not your fault. All the indicators are that autism is genetic.

In terms of how this ties to your own experiences, consider this. Could your ex partner and his family members also be autistic? That could be why he behaved in some ways that seemed to you to be narcissistic and / or self absorbed.

Of course there are a**holes amongst autistic and non-autistic people. It may be he is both autistic and an a-hole.

Our kids will do better because of the amount of intervention and support available these days. You’ve done the right thing getting them on the radar of professionals now x

I have worked with autistic children for many many years and whilst I recognised the guilt some of the parents felt I logically could not understand it. I now have 2 autistic children of my own and felt incredibly guilty and blamed myself. I logically know that autism is genetic but it still took me a while to accept that I did not cause their autism.

I think the key is to enjoy the children you have whilst fighting for the best for them (whatever this might be).

It's genetic.

You did nothing wrong.

Hi OP,

I understand what you mean. I'm in the same situation.

I think the problem is that if there is autism on both sides of the family, then the social cohesion of the family can be quite shakey, and support network for the mother can be either shakey or not there at all. This means that a struggling family and a struggling Mum produce struggling children, and they get off to a not great start. All this has happened in my family.

The thing I realised is that I need vastly improved social skills to help my DS and to pull together my family. I've started paying a clinical psychologist to help me with all my conflict situations (both serious family ones and very mild day to day ones). It's gradually making things better in all areas of my life. I'm growing my support network back from nothing, have restored good relationships in my family, and I'm getting the change to show my DS a positive role model for social functioning.

One of the weirder experiences in having an ASD kid is phoning the grandparents and breaking it to them that they are also ASD, especially the proud and/or arsey ones. It's a whole new world after that.

I'm hoping that that is a good way to make something good out of a challenging situation. I think that in a situation like this all we can do is to put the past down to experience and do the very best with today, and tomorrow and so on.

I hope that helps a bit. Good luck there. None of this your fault, but you have huge scope to make the future of your whole family that wee bit better.

Nothing you did caused the autism and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My dd is autistic but with good support at school is thriving. Autistic people see the world differently but this can be a good thing. The world is slowly changing as people understand and accept differences more. There will be things they find challenging but ultimately once they find their place in life they have just as much chance of a happy fore filled life as anybody else.

Thank you for making this such a positive thread everybody. It has genuinely lifted my spirits and inspired me to enjoy them even more. @WhenIsTheGeneralElection you make an excellent point. Just because I haven't done well at the social side up to now doesn't mean I can't improve this. I'm also in therapy and I'll bring this up.

@tiggersfamily I'm glad that helped a bit. I think the ASD diagnosis was a whole new start for my family and we're definitely building back better. Good luck with your mission. I hope the future is good to you.