Help, baby wont settle in daycare, im in tears everyday

[Ameliaanna]

DD 12 months has started attending a private daycare, she is going 2 days a week with the plan to move to 3 days but its not going well. The staff say she is crying on and off all day, proper cries, things seem to be getting worse, she refused to eat anything all day and only napped about an hour. Staff advised she really isnt settling and is only happy when she gets some one on one time which they can't always facilitate as they are 1 staff to 3 babies. Im really struggling mentally as im due back to work in the next few weeks and don't know what will happen. She is in her 4th week. Should we perserve or cut our losses and try a different daycare/child minder. Im considering moving jobs so i can work night shifts or weekends. Has anyone experienced this? Feel sick worrying about all this. Baby is breastfed and very attached to me

Every child is different and some may take a little while to settle compared to others.
My little girl was exactly the same, crying on and off all day, refusing to eat and refusing to sleep. We persevered for 6 weeks but her little personality changed and she just seemed so unsettled at home.
I had to arrange childcare with family and friends until she was ready to try elsewhere. She now goes to another nursery. We explained the situation and thankfully were able to have a longer settling in period. She is a lot happier at the new nursery so I guess she wasn’t ready yet at the first one.

Itt’s heartbreaking for you knowing you’re leaving them and they are upset but the nursery is being open and upfront with it. Have they suggested anything to help?

I'd give it longer, took my dd around 3months to really settle and that was 2.5 days a week. She loved it after that point, all babies are different and it's hard to hear they're not settled but just know they're in a safe and caring environment.

What experience does she have of being left with others? If you'd work nights/weekends, that sounds like she's okay with her father? Any experience being left with other relatives or close friends?

Thanks for the response, they haven't suggested too much to try just preserving, she is already attending reduced times, i leave her in about 10 and collect her at 3 so not sure what else we can do

Not a lot, my parents have minded her for a few hours every so often but that's about it. Its taken a while for her to be happy being left with her Dad. I dont know if its the breastfeeding but shes very attached to me

Is there anyway you could delay your return to work ? Or as you say look for a different job as she sounds really unhappy. It’s a really hard age as they dont yet have the understanding and separation anxiety can be severe and hard to overcome.

Ive already delayed going back by 6 weeks not sure how much longer I can delay it. It may take time to find the right change of job and i worry working nights will impact things with my older child who is very settled in his routine at school

We had similar with my DS. Settling took months, not helped by his key worker becoming unwell a couple of weeks after he started and ending up being off for months. It was so hard. Utterly soul destroying. I hated being the only parent with a wailing inconsolable child at drop off (and all the way walking there) day after day for months.

He is settled now and is getting a lot from nursery. Some things that helped:

• he was refusing to eat their food, so we used to pack him a lunchbox of food from home. After a few months he would eat the nursery food and this wasn't needed any more
• A traditional object. He was glued to his dummy at nursery for weeks, then totally abandoned it. Now he brings his teddy, who features in many nursery pictures
• A consistent key worker to bond with
• Making the days at nursery consecutive. I'd probably want to increase to 3 days, as 2/7 isn't really enough to get used to it, so it feels new each week
• Short days, gradually building up to the full nursery day

I tried a variety of other things around validating emotions, distraction with interesting stuff on the walk there, telling him I would come back at the end of the day being brief and upbeat at dropoff etc. I think that was helpful too in the long term: now at 20 months he will say "Mummy come back" when I pick him up etc. But I don't think his language and time concepts were there at the start to help him understand and it was all fairly miserable for a while.

Thank you for the suggestions. Yes she is supposed to be attending 3 days but i thought 2 initially to build her up to 3 was a good idea but maybe not. We have built up the days so far and im still bringing her late and picking up early. She doesn't take a dummy but we will look at a comfort toy which we will consistently use at home to see if this helps. Im worried itll be months, im already finding it very hard, DH has offered to do drop offs but this would be early morning before work but could be an option. Our first also struggled at daycare but not to this extent, just mainly at drop off but he had a dummy and wasnt breastfed which probably makes a big difference

I don’t really think it’s breastfeeding that’s the issue so please don’t feel that way. You should be proud you have breastfed and not fear you’ve created a rod. If you really feel that way perhaps think how often are you feeding?
when my daughter was 12 months I fed before nursery, after nursery and before bed. Soon the morning one dropped. Then the after nursery did too.
honestly some children are different and are more attached and take a little longer to settle and that’s okay. I think it would be sensible to get your partner involved in drop offs- children respond differently with different care givers.

Mine took more than a month to be settled during the day and 2 months for the tears at dropoff and pick-up to stop but she’s really happy there now so I would try a bit longer. Sometimes going for more days can actually help. Mine also took her favourite soft toy and used her dummy at nursery for the first bit.

Following. I’m in the same position, and due to be back at work next week.

I don’t have any advice but solidarity. My eldest was horrendous with nursery (as in they called me to pick him up because he was so upset) and we actually moved house so that family could look after him! I’m not saying I would advise that but I also couldn’t cope with months on end of the upset. My job isn’t one I can do for a few hours a day so I couldn’t manage with being called to pick up etc. I realise most people probably would think I’m ridiculous!

Not been in the situation but if little one is clearly unhappy, then an alternative solution sounds like it needs to be sought.

I would up the days and the hours: 10-3, especially if she naps while there, is barely any time at all to bond with a key worker, especially a couple of days a week. Babies like routine and consistency and 2/7 for five hours doesn’t provide that stability.

Comfort object and a short, cheerful goodbye rather than anything protracted. If it doesn’t improve, I’d switch providers rather than jobs or trying to work nights and do childcare in the day! That’s lunacy.

Also thinking that an earlier drop off might be better - 10am-3pm will be the busiest part of the day, so an early drop as soon as the nursery opens night give her more bonding time with her key worker?

Thanks for the responses, so we'll try Dad dropping her on Monday on his way to work, she'll be getting a breakfast there too then, my first cried at drop off for months but staff always said he settled and was happy after a few minutes where they are telling me she cries on and off, pick up is terrible too i can hear her crying coming down the stairs.

There are several daycares close by, this one is the handiest (and most expensive!) but our oldest loved it in the end and stayed until he started school. Just dont want to move her and have the same problems again. DH has been looking into childminders in the area which could also be an option

Following with interest OP as in a similar position with my 12 month old boy. He breastfeeds a lot as our solids journey has been quite a challenge, and he cries on and off the whole time at nursery (also doing shorter days to ease him in). It’s really hard and the guilt is overwhelming

I doubt a new daycare will help as it sounds like she just wants her mum. Sorry I know this doesn't help you.

Time is going to be your friend here. It won't be this way forever.

Its good to know other people are in the same position, feel a bit like a failure as a Mum that she isnt settling as quickly as the other babies who have started around the same time.

I agree try three days a week, ideally consecutive. Mine started nursery at 9 and 10 months respectively, but both were bottle fed by then admittedly. Eldest was a super sensitive, shy, velcro baby though and she did settle in very quickly. They both went three consecutive full days a week though (as in, 8.30-6pm ish).

Hi, I was just wondering how you went with this and if your daughter has settled in yet? And if so, what you did to settle her. Everything you have said sounds exactly like what I am going through with my daughter. She’s 12 months old, she goes to day care 2 days a week and I gradually built her up to full day and has been going for 2 months now. The day care have said she is just not settling and they don’t know what else to do. She cries all day, she’s disrupting the other kids because she cries all day. She’s happy when she has 1:1 or is being held but they can’t do that all day because of the staff to child ratio. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I keep trying or if I find a day care that has a smaller group so she gets more 1:1 time. I’m quite stressed about it and don’t know what to do.

Hi! Consecutive days in a row really helped both of my kids. Often the full time kids seem to settle in easier because there is consistency, I initially started my eldest on one day a week and the nursery advised that those kids often find it hardest to settle, it was better when we switched to two days (I'm freelance and also worked in the evenings) and I genuinely think it's because he "forgot" what happened and had to "relearn" all over again, whereas when they go day after day it starts to sink in more. Younger one started on 2 consecutive days and was much better even though he was a covid baby and less socialised generally. I breastfed both, and they were never looked after by others either... Cut yourself some slack, babies do cry, my youngest loved to cuddle his key worker, if you have to go to work then she needs to be in nursery – work with the nursery to try things out (like starting earlier if you want to) and give it some time for her to get used to it. Also try to model happiness about her going to nursery, not guilt or trepidation, they get to socialise, play, be cared for by new people, big up the positives (mostly to yourself right now) and know that all being well you will all adjust and review the situation in a sensible timeline to give it time to shake out. Good luck!

@Gracedesailly what is your feeling about the nursery? Are the staff experienced, and do you feel like they've genuinely worked with you to get to know your daughter and help her settle in? I mean things like asking about a transition object (mine both had a cuddly toy; they never took dummies), asking about favourite songs, stories, and activities to try and have things that are both familiar and engaging to them, noticing what upsets them and trying to support them at those times. DD1 started nursery right out of lockdown, and was bothered by too many children too close around her initially – nursery spotted it and made sure she had her space for the first few weeks.

If they've done all that, then yes, not all settings suit all children, and she might do better somewhere smaller. Ratios will be the same, but just fewer noise and people might help. Or she might do better with a childminder.

If they haven't tried things like that, then it's a question of whether you want to try to get them to try, or whether you want to try and find somewhere a bit more proactive about helping the wee ones in their care.

The nursery is a very new centre. They opened this year. I feel as though they are trying to try different things with her to help settle her however, the way it was put to me about it not working, her disrupting the other children because she is crying all day and they don’t know what to do with her made me feel as though I have a problem child and she needs 1:1 care. The more people I speak with the more I realise that is is quiet common for children to experience separation anxiety and some nursery’s handle is really well and do whatever they can to help the child settle but I feel as though I have been made to feel like they can’t help her. So perhaps it is not the right daycare for my daughter and I should find one who is experienced with toddlers with separation anxiety