Shouting and morning routinea

[Adviceplease123456]

Do you shout at your kids?
I am at my wits end with my 8 year old daughter in the mornings. She has to be asked to do every single little thing 100 times before she does it (get dressed, brush teeth, go downstairs, etc etc). She’s smart and intelligent and can easily do all of these things, but just drags her feet and gets distracted by anything and everything.
I lost it this morning because I have 2 other kids and I just think I should be able to rely on an 8 year old to do the basics. I really shouted and I am filled with such guilt and shame but I don’t know what else to do.

we’ve done reward charts - which work perfectly for their defined period but we can’t be offering rewards forever more just for basic living?! They know what time they “need” to be down but just won’t be ready of their own accord without nagging.

I really shouted this morning about how completely fed up I was and so bored of every morning being the same cycle of having to ask the same things a million times and her nwver being helpful. I apologised after for my outburst but I am so triggered that every morning feels like this uphill battle to get even the basics done.

she loves school once she’s there, and is happy once she’s actually up and ready. I just get so so triggered by still having to manage an 8 year old to do things even my 5 year old just gets on and does.

Take yourself out of the equation. Make a checklist that walks them through the getting ready routine. Either have it be portable or have each segment live in the part of the house it is used. Number the tasks and then make it easy to mark each task complete as it is done.

I found that just having that list focused my child and kept her moving along. Also, if we do end up ready early, then there is time for a few minutes of screen time to kill the time before we need to leave, so there is no flaw in getting ready quickly.

I really try not to shout but inevitably do. Morning routine is a big trigger!

My 8 year old could not be left to get on with things himself, although he has ADHD. But he is the last to be ready, it’s infuriating. His 5 year old brother will be standing outside with coat, hat and gloves on ready to walk to school and DS1 will decide he needs a wee/ignore me/still be standing there with no shoes or coat on. This is when I shout!

I do think my daughter has traits of adhd - but they’re doing very well at school / socially etc so I’m not sure what perusing a diagnosis would do, or what I would say “they’re greater depth at school, have a lot of friends but by GOD SHE DRIVES ME MAD”

a list is good and we’ve tried that but what do I do when things aren’t done and we’re about to be late? She just says she’s trying but she’s tired, or forgets what she’s doing. Etc. Yet you can bet 1000% on a Saturday when there’s a party to go to she’s up and dressed, teeth done, bed made, without me so much as having to look at her!

I really upset her shouting today and I need to manage my reactions better

I think it's an 8 year old thing. My (now nine year old) boy was exactly the same but has recently transformed. A short list of morning chores (for £2.50 a week) has now become a habit and completed with no shouting:

• Get dressed
• Brush teeth
• Make bed
• Get school bag ready

I'd get her to get everything ready the night before, so school bag and clothes out and ready. Then in the morning it's just brushing teeth, getting dressed, eat breakfast. There's nothing there to forget.

Are you allowing enough time in the morning? Is she actually tired - does she get enough sleep? Do they watch TV in the morning?

Is there something she would love to do for 15 mins before school? Like watch a bit of tv or do a craft/activity or play ball outside? If you can think of something, use the list for everything she has to do, when she has ticked everything off, she gets the reward of doing the ‘thing’. Its a natural reward…be organized and efficient and have some time to treat yourself.

I set alarms on Alexa with reminders for mine in the mornings - they are so slow eating breakfast so I have an alarm going off that gives them a 5 min warning then they know they have a few minutes to finish up then it's time to clean teeth, get bags ready etc.

I think kids don't really have a good grasp of times, so alarms sound like a good idea. Also a visual timer. If you say "you've got five minutes to do X" they're just off in their own heads, not clock watching, and will dawdle and forget and get distracted. If there is a physical visual countdown - they can see how much time is left and that it's ticking away.

Have you read 'calmer, happier, easier parenting'? Theres a whole chapter on 'never ask twice'. It's essentially a learned strategy (and a bit excruciating at the start) that when mum says something she means it. Found it very helpful. Does take a while to become second nature though.

Oh no I haven’t but going to order this right now! Thank you

Definitely do as much prep as possible the night before.

I also found with my dd, who was late-diagnosed ASD, that starting with breakfast and then getting ready worked better.

Get everything ready the night before - even to laying out all clothes. Make packed lunches the night before too. So all you have to do is get out of bed, have food and get dressed.
Get up 15 minutes earlier.
Hard no to any gadgets, TV or music of any kind.
Have absolute minimum to do. Literally get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, coats on. Have some standby breakfast alternatives - carton of juice and a breakfast bar if there's no time to eat.
Ask once only. Give a reminder of time 'ten minutes to leave' and at that time be by the door ready to go. (Make it 10 minutes before you need to leave)
I find being on time really hard work so I have to be ruthless with mornings.

Plus - I never shout.

• Can you get up 15 minutes earlier to account for the extra times you have to ask her to do stuff?

• Does she need a bit more sleep so that she's less tired in the morning?

• Does she need to get up a bit earlier so she has longer to properly wake up?

• Is there more prep you can do the night before? Like lay her clothes out in the order she needs to put them on. Getting her toothbrush out with her toothpaste sat right next to it. Pack your car with her school stuff. Etc.

Good luck...parenting is hard

Both of mine are like this (aged 9 & 10). I lost my temper on Monday morning too and still feeling guilty about it 2 days later. They have both been diagnosed with ADHD, but I still find it SO draining that every single day seems to be a shock when it comes to getting ready in the morning / for bed. It’s like it’s the first time doing it each day. They are both working at or exceeding expectations academically at school, but definitely requiring improvement at home 😂

I bought them each a white board yesterday to help manage homework because I just can’t take being the only one who cares any more. They were very excited, so hopefully it helps.

My 9 year old loves watching TV before school so my rule is that everything has to be ready before TV goes on. Discovered he can get dressed, brush teeth, prepare school bag and feed the dogs in under 15 minutes when it used to take almost an hour! We never argue in morning now as he knows any nonsense means no TV. He's busy most days after school so I don't worry about a little screen time in the morning

I read “calmer, happier, easier boys” which also has this never ask twice strategy. It definitely does not work on ADHD children (haven’t tested it on my others, don’t really need to!). I was standing and waiting for a very, very long time. I’d grown a beard!