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Original poster

Contact agreement with ex - is this fair?

27 replies

LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:16

Hi so me and my ex have a 7 month old son and as he is not breastfed he has him one night per week on a weekend either Friday or Saturday and brings back the following day. He said he can't see him in the week as he lives 40 minutes away. He doesn't contact at all in the week asking how is son is or checking on him
He also said this will never change and he will always have him just one night psr week. Whereas he sees his other son everyday as he lives with his other sons mom.

I just don't feel like this is fair long term. I'm already having to sacrifice work I am going back part time and putting our son in nursery and paying for it as he is also refusing to pay towards any nursery fees.

I feel like I am struggling and he is doing the bare minimum in my eyes.

I have asked several times if he can help abit more in the week or even one more night and he refuses.

Is one night a week on a weekend the norm for coparenting ? Im thinking long term. I am exhausted from doing it alone but I know that's just being a single parent whilst he and as he has said 'babysits' on a weekend for less than 24 hours. He doesn't seem that interested to me. Especially not even checking in on our child to ensure he's ok

OP posts:
Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:16

He also has nothing for him at his. I have to provide everything Nappies formula food clothes wipes etc as he refuses

OP posts:
fruity81 · 05/03/2024 19:18

so he’s back with the partner and
mother of his first born?

or his other son is younger than yours?

confused about the timeline

fruity81 · 05/03/2024 19:19

so he pays zero CMS?

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6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families Family law
Mrsttcno1 · 05/03/2024 19:19

It’s not fair but sadly it is pretty normal for a lot of people, with dad’s just doing “every other weekend”. You can’t force him to be a parent and you can’t force him to have his child more, so if he only wants to do one night a week there’s nothing you can do about it.

It must be nice to be a dad mustn’t it!!

All you can do though is make sure you are getting what you are entitled to in child maintenance x

Anameisaname · 05/03/2024 19:19

You can't force him to have contact and so there's really not much you can do. Unfortunately these are the sorts of things that are rarely discussed in advance when people decide to have a baby

Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:20

fruity81 · 05/03/2024 19:18

so he’s back with the partner and
mother of his first born?

or his other son is younger than yours?

confused about the timeline

He is back wirh the mother of his first born his older child. He pays cms but will pay for nothing else such as childcare or anything in his care I have to provide it all

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/03/2024 19:23

If he’s paying CMS then unfortunately thats all he actually has to do, he doesn’t have to pay for anything beyond that and doesn’t have to have any more contact if he doesn’t want to. It is rubbish

TheMushroomFamily · 05/03/2024 19:34

1 night a week is a lot. My ex won’t have our kids at all I would love 1 night a week

ChangedUserName13 · 05/03/2024 19:36

You cannot make a parent be a parent.
If he's only having him 1 night a week; then that's the that. Unfortunately you can't force him to take him more.
Most separated parents I know do every other weekend - so 2 nights every 14 days - yours is just set out different at 1 night every 7 days.
They also don't check in during the week until child is older and has their own ways of communicating with the parent.

Yes it's shit - but your son will grow up and have his own thoughts on the situation.

If he's paying CMS then good - that's all he has to legally pay (which isn't great but it's better than nothing) he doesn't have to give you any financial assistance for anything else other than CMS.
(Did you go via cms or did he pick a number and say that's what he'd give you?)

You say he doesn't provide anything for your son - he refuses - well don't send stuff: then he'll have to buy it won't he

Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:37

TheMushroomFamily · 05/03/2024 19:34

1 night a week is a lot. My ex won’t have our kids at all I would love 1 night a week

Alot? I don't think it's alot however yes I know more than some fathers. However the next 2 months he is busy for 4 weekends out of these months so will only be having him once every 2 weeks for the next 2 months. But I have to just allow it as he won't do a weekday.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/03/2024 19:39

You don't have to provide nappies, formula or any equipment. Literally just hand over the baby and let him crack on.

Hopefully he will take the baby for long when he is in leave from work?

pickledandpuzzled · 05/03/2024 19:40

You aren’t obliged to send anything for him, but it’s much easier to at this age when they change size so quickly.

Check he’s paying enough CMS. And resign yourself to this being as good as it gets. When he’s older you may want him at weekends as it’s the ‘fun’ slot.

pickledandpuzzled · 05/03/2024 19:41

And if you don’t send the equipment, and he stops having him because it’s too hard, then you’ll miss it. That said, let him be the one packing the car! He’ll get fed up and want his own gear.

TheMushroomFamily · 05/03/2024 19:41

LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:37

Alot? I don't think it's alot however yes I know more than some fathers. However the next 2 months he is busy for 4 weekends out of these months so will only be having him once every 2 weeks for the next 2 months. But I have to just allow it as he won't do a weekday.

Show quote history

It would be a lot to me but that’s because my ex only wanted to see our kids once a month for the DAY (no overnights and he couldn’t even stick to that) I would say it’s quite a lot yes given most dads don’t see their kids weekly (usually every other weekend) but it’s not really what’s fair as you can’t make him have him any more than he wants to

Theunamedcat · 05/03/2024 19:42

TheMushroomFamily · 05/03/2024 19:34

1 night a week is a lot. My ex won’t have our kids at all I would love 1 night a week

You need a shovel to dig that low bar out?

It's shit and it's never going to change doesn't make it right or fair

Toblerbone · 05/03/2024 19:44

It's absolutely rubbish OP. He's a shit dad and unfortunately there's not much you can do about it if he's paying the CMS maintenance.

Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:51

RandomMess · 05/03/2024 19:39

You don't have to provide nappies, formula or any equipment. Literally just hand over the baby and let him crack on.

Hopefully he will take the baby for long when he is in leave from work?

Yep another thing- he said he will take off my maintenance whatever he buys if I don't provide anything
Also he said his work won't allow him any time off this year (even though he is self employed ) however he is taking 2 weeks off in May for a 2 week holiday with his gf and their son!
But won't take any time off for ours. As apparently he's not allowed. I guess I will have to allow him.to be a shit parent and accept it !

OP posts:
Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:52

ChangedUserName13 · 05/03/2024 19:36

You cannot make a parent be a parent.
If he's only having him 1 night a week; then that's the that. Unfortunately you can't force him to take him more.
Most separated parents I know do every other weekend - so 2 nights every 14 days - yours is just set out different at 1 night every 7 days.
They also don't check in during the week until child is older and has their own ways of communicating with the parent.

Yes it's shit - but your son will grow up and have his own thoughts on the situation.

If he's paying CMS then good - that's all he has to legally pay (which isn't great but it's better than nothing) he doesn't have to give you any financial assistance for anything else other than CMS.
(Did you go via cms or did he pick a number and say that's what he'd give you?)

You say he doesn't provide anything for your son - he refuses - well don't send stuff: then he'll have to buy it won't he

He picked a number He pays for my son and his other son equally ( even though I know hes living with his other son )

OP posts:
TheMushroomFamily · 05/03/2024 19:54

It’s not really comparable to his other child as they live together. What contact would you like? Would you really want 50/50 of a 7 month old? How often would you want him to have your son?

Mummame222 · 05/03/2024 19:57

LD233 · 05/03/2024 19:20

He is back wirh the mother of his first born his older child. He pays cms but will pay for nothing else such as childcare or anything in his care I have to provide it all

Show quote history

There’s plenty of dead beat Dads that don’t even pay CMS.

It’s not gonna change, also, don’t try and force your son on someone who doesn’t want him around that will be harmful for your son when he’s older.

This is the way it is, you need to find a way to accept it. You could ask if he would do every other weekend, the full weekend. If I was his partner I would say no way so maybe that’s what’s going on here.

ChangedUserName13 · 05/03/2024 19:59

@LD233

Thought he would pick his own number ...

Doesn't matter that he "pays equally" because he sounds like he definitely does not! The fact he takes money off for the things he buys your sim is disgusting - he's not even providing the bare minimum.

Is he employed? If he is I'd be straight over to the CMS.
If he's self employed then it'll be harder as he can hide his earnings (if he does his own taxes / has an accountant) - but I would still be tempted because I bet he's told you he pays the same and doesn't. And I bet he has more money going through the books

Currently he's controlling the money and the time for your son.

But unfortunately he is a shit parent. Sad but true.

FatLarrysBanned · 05/03/2024 20:00

How many nights a week did he have his older son when you were together?

Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 20:19

FatLarrysBanned · 05/03/2024 20:00

How many nights a week did he have his older son when you were together?

His ex (well his current gf) actually.stopped contact with him and his son he told me for no reason and he had to go through a 2 year court battle where he had custody finally when I was pregnant (where he left me and got back with his ex after the court case finished) he was awarded every other weekend Friday to Sunday and then every other Sunday however he obviously lives with him now. Its all a mess tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
LD233 · 05/03/2024 20:19

ChangedUserName13 · 05/03/2024 19:59

@LD233

Thought he would pick his own number ...

Doesn't matter that he "pays equally" because he sounds like he definitely does not! The fact he takes money off for the things he buys your sim is disgusting - he's not even providing the bare minimum.

Is he employed? If he is I'd be straight over to the CMS.
If he's self employed then it'll be harder as he can hide his earnings (if he does his own taxes / has an accountant) - but I would still be tempted because I bet he's told you he pays the same and doesn't. And I bet he has more money going through the books

Currently he's controlling the money and the time for your son.

But unfortunately he is a shit parent. Sad but true.

He is self employed and definitely lies about how much he earns. He always uses money as a control. But I will look into CMS..

OP posts:
WoodBurningStov · 05/03/2024 20:27

My ex was like this with our dd and it does feel unfair. It's you who has to work and be a single parent, pay for everything, sort childcare and take time off work when they are sick etc.

But it also has its plus points, I have a wonderful relationship with dd and he doesn't. It's me she wants to take her prom dress shopping, she wants to go on a city break with me, I saw all her plays and sports days, she shares all her school dramas with me etc etc. as hard as it is now with a 7 month old, you will definitely come out the other side being thankful that he's not made the effort.