Should my bd leave work early to see his kid

[Lisa1917]

Hey, just looking abit of advice regarding co parenting. My ex is a self employed painter who makes his own hours. We have a 1year old together and he had been calling to my home in the evenings to see our child. I have had to stop that as he can't be civil and will put me down and shout at me infront of our child. He is now accusing me of keeping her from him. I have suggested to him that he finish work an hour early once or twice a week so he has time with her but this has just been met with a stream of abuse and how a judge would never make him see her during work hours- I can't stress enough how he makes his own hours and how this really wouldn't be an issue for him. He is supposed to have her 11-3 Saturday and Sunday but for the last few weeks he hasn't took her on Saturday due to 'work'. I have never complained, even when he brought her home early because he had a toothache 😶 I feel like I'm doing what I can and being met with a wall. Was I wrong in suggesting he leave work early by an hour? I honestly thought anyone that wants to see their child the way he's claiming would do anything in their power to see said child

The contact schedule needs to work for both of you and although you say he makes his own hours, he does need to provide a service to his customers and work round them

However what I dont understand is that you're indicating that he is not safe around her. shouting and putting you down? So what difference does it make when he comes round, evenings or mid afternoon, the outcome is the same is it not?

Is it safer for him to see her without you there, so that theres no risk she experiences you being treated like that?

A judge wouldnt necessarily expect someone to miss work or have contact during their work hours, it depends on the situation.

He doesn't actually want to see her, he just wants to be able to blame you for not seeing her.

One thing you can and should do right now is make his contact time with her outside your home.

It is not your job to find a solution to his issues so don’t suggest.

Tell him contact must be outside your home and ask what hours suit him, then, if they suit you too you can agree. If he can’t come up with hours that suit, then tell him to let you know when he can and you are willing to discuss any time he proposes.

Sounds like, for him, it's more about coming around and into your house than actually seeing his child. Put a stop to that straight away.

When you say "in the evenings" what time are we talking about?

Keep a record of all of the times he's not turning up for contact as agreed in case he takes you to court (which he won't).

A judge wouldnt necessarily expect someone to miss work or have contact during their work hours, it depends on the situation.

He sounds awful OP, but I agree that a judge is not likely to mandate contact during the working day. Being self employed is not as flexible as people think, you still have to provide a service during the hours your customers want, in order to get paid. Would you be happy to accept less CMS?

Thanks for all input. He finishes work between half 4 and 5 usually, there's times he's finished around 1 but regardless of what time he finishes he doesn't make an effort to see the child until after 7pm which is why he had been coming here, I didn't want our daughter missing out so I let come and put her to bed ect. There has been violence- I currently have a fractured spine caused by him and I have told him numerous times that if he makes me feel unsafe in my home again I wouldn't let him back I'm, which obviously happened as he's not allowed in now. We have been separated for around 9 months and in that time he has never once asked to have her overnight, rarely asks how she is, and when he does ask its usually cause I've pointed out that he a hasn't. I would happily not take a penny from him again as I'm quizzed on what it's being spent on or he refuses for days to hand it over. I honestly don't want anything from him but my daughter deserves more than what he's giving her and I don't want her growing up with a dad that's barely there. I've asked multiple times what suits him and he can't give me an answer so I don't know what to do anymore

He fractured your spine?!?!?

Way to bury the lede, woman. That's sort of a bit significant!

On that basis, don't let him see her, period. Let him take you to court (I bet he won't). He's violent and dangerous and he shouldn't be seeing her. He shouldn't be seeing you. Surely he's not allowed near your property? Please tell me there are criminal charges in process?

I hope you reported the abuse that let to the fractured spine.

You need to stop contact altogether, sorry. I would not be doing handoffs with anyone who had been violent to me. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with him having unsupervised contact at all. But the most I could do is stop contact and he would have to go to court.

No, the turning up at 7pm to see a 1 year old isn't on. She's likely tired and grumpy at that hour of the day anyway - and I say this as someone who always had late to bed dc even from babies. It sounds like he's planning his visits for the evening to check out what you are doing in the evenings.

I would make sure the abuse is reported, so it's on record. It's the best way to protect your dc. What if he injured her in the future? And then personally I would stop all contact until he goes through official channels. Or at the very least, it must be at set times and he must collect her from the doorstep without ever setting foot in your house. And I'd get a doorbell camera too.

Make contact with your local domestic abuse service. I’m willing to bet there are many different abuses happening her.

Report the domestic abuse to the police. You can do this on 101.

Cease contact. He can go to court for an order. No mediation is not appropriate due to the domestic abuse.

Contact CMS for maintenance. He’s currently withholding it at his will which is a type of financial abusive as well as coercive control.

And I agree. He’s doing the contact then to keep tabs on you.

Did you ever do a Claire’s law on him. I bet his previous relationships were abusive too even if they didn’t report it. Do you have contact with his family at all. What’s the dynamic there?

Have you reported the assault to the police?