ex issues

[CAGH03]

so back story, me and my ex were together for three years. engaged in june, tried for 13 months for a baby. fell pregnant in august. came home one night in december and he was gone and has been in a new relationship since 5 weeks after. he cheated and i do not trust him at all.
baby boy is due in 8 weeks and his dad will not be on the birth certificate as he is the type to take him and disappear. i have asked to meet his new partner before letting my baby around them, and he has said i'll never meet them. i don't even know her name. to me, she's a complete stranger and i don't want my baby being left with a complete stranger. i said if i meet her first then i don't mind but he's refusing and telling me it's not my choice. yes i do understand i can't always control who my baby is around, but apart from his new girlfriend, i know everyone he will be around and am very uncomfortable knowing he's with a stranger. i was abused a lot between 6-17 by different people, and i want to protect my baby. if i was to have a new partner, i would be fine with my ex wanting to meet him first before he meets baby and it's just weird how she will 'never ever' meet me. it's just really worrying me and i'm wondering if there's anything i can do?? i know this seems extreme but if you knew my ex, you'd understand 😅
TIA x

He has left you. He won't be on the birth certificate. That is good. Don't engage with him at all. I doubt he will have any genuine interest in the baby other than as an excuse to upset you.

He’s been clear with you that he has no inclination to parent nicely with you.

Go to the baby registration appointment on your own so there’s no drama when baby has your surname and wait for him to take you to court if he wants some contact. Hopefully he’ll just leave you alone because it sounds like coparenting amicably won’t happen.

that's exactly what i'm thinking, he says he'll be involved, even if he is, i think he'll just keep trying to upset me and make things difficult. going to register baby without him knowing

he's very confusing though, the other day he was being super nice, saying he doesn't mind what his name is aslong as i'm happy, and then a day later he's being like this. he won't be having his last name and he won't be on the certificate. only thing that worries me is if he does decide to have contact, who he's going to let the baby be around. i know most of them it's mainly the new partner, just seems a bit weird that i can't meet her at all for my baby's safety🤦🏼‍♀️

Unfortunately your ex is right. You have no rights to decide who spends time with your child when he's with his dad. As shit as that is there's really nothing you can do. You just have to trust that he won't let the baby come to any harm.

I wonder if he's reluctant to let you meet her because he's spun her a whole web of lies about you. Probably painted you out to be evil or lied about being single when he was still with you. He'll be worried that you might say something that will burst his bubble.

according to google, if he isn't on the birth certificate, he doesn't have any say in decisions i make. i wouldn't mind usually, but something about it just seems off. he also drinks every day too. definitely seems like he's either lied about me or is hiding me and baby from her completely. i'd expect him to want to meet my future partner if he was around his baby, so he knows he's safe. unless i meet her, or him, baby isn't going anywhere near them

I think your focus should be on the fact he drinks every day rather than who his new partner is. I wouldn't be handing over my baby to someone who drinks everyday period.

Let him take you court of he wants access and you can explain to the court why you don't feel comfortable with him having unsupervised contact with the baby. Leave the partner out of it. The safeguarding issue is him, not her.

@Illpickthatup obviously that is a huge worry of mine, he he won't be having baby in the car for quite a while until he can prove he's stopped drinking but it's because of this, i know what sort of people he hangs out with, and for all i know, the partner could be the exact same. he's already said he won't take me to court over anything, but honestly, i don't care if he does because if the judge heard everything, they would probably not let him see him anyway. it's just so frustrating because this isn't what we planned or how i wanted my first pregnancy and baby to go x

If he won't take you to court then he doesn't see his child. That's a win for you as he doesn't exactly sound like the kind of role model you want in you child's life.

I don't usually advocate for contact to be withheld but in your case he doesn't seem like a safe person to leave your child with and if he doesn't care enough to fight for access then that's on him. In your situation I'd be facilitating supervised access only until he can prove he is a safe person. Make sure you contact CMS as well as I imagine he won't be the kind of guy forthcoming with maintenance money.

@Illpickthatup that's a very good point. i've given him his options so now it's up to him. i have thought about supervised visits and because i'm breast feeding, i've made it clear he won't have him on his own for a while too. thankyou for your help! x