Preferred parent - drowning

[Beansandneedles]

I am the preferred parent for my almost 3 year old. I'm not a natural mother and find the level that she needs me to be rather suffocating, but I have created various routines throughout the day which help me to be able to enjoy her more and also allow me to spend time with my other child. I want to be there for her, but also show her that people have boundaries and needs which need to be respected.

Lately however, slowly at first and more intensely for the past 3 weeks, she will not be placated by any one else. In addition anything and everything I do is not up to standard. She won't let anyone help her dress, gets frustrated dressing herself and when I come to help I do it wrong. She won't eat if my husband has prepared it, obviously can't create her own meals and rejects the things that I have cooked unless she is allowed to sit on my lap or eat from my plate.

im becoming an awful person because my temper is fraying and I'm so resentful that the carefully cultivated system which has worked so well is crumbling around my ears.

Any tips or words of solidarity welcome. The house feels like an utterly miserable place, and I've stopped going out on outings because I can't bear to keep making an effort or paying money for her to spend the whole excursion distressed or refusing to walk or leave my lap. She's obviously going through something but I have no idea how to get us through in one piece.

I'm really sorry things are so difficult.

Reading your post, it sounds to me as though you are a very definite person and you have limits about what you are prepared to put up with, and you are happy to state those limits loud and clear, and to make sure people respect them. That's fine.

It sounds as though your daughter is similar and this is the beginning of her asserting her own requirements and boundaries. Unfortunately she's cutting her teeth on you, which is what children do.

I'm really sorry but I think you may be in for a long negotiation. Parenting is often like this. The parents have certain characteristics, and their children are born with the same characteristics, and when you have two people in the house who are the same, then fireworks can happen.

I think the next step is to examine how you cope with your needs, and try to teach your daughter how to do that too.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

reward charts for her being independent etc bit of positive reinforcement

allow her to feel how she feels i.e. sulking and not joining in activities when took out, feeling frustrated getting herself dressed, but not to be rude or demanding about it

screaming internally as you try and jolly her along and ignore her trying to make you do things is a bit of how it goes at that age

she can't create her own meals but she can help you prep veg with a toddler knife, pour water in pans from a measuring jug, have a chair pushed up to the counter to be involved in food prep with DH. or you could print out/draw some pictures of meal options and put it into a "visual menu" so she can pick from it ("what's on the menu tonight?") also avoids asking for things "off menu"

"mummy loves sitting with you and eating meals together. but mummy and you need to sit on our own chairs at mealtimes, like big girls do at restaurants ... would you like to pour your own juice into your cup?"

Oh my gosh both of those replies have made me smile and feel so seen. Thank you! It's amazing what a touch of solidarity can do for the soul.

I feel you're probably bang on the money that she's a mini me.

Screaming internally may well help. And I'm definitely going to use that phrase.

Thank you.

Try a bit of love bombing round the edges. It will help you both ride the tougher times.

So follow Kerropoi’s advice above, but also build in a few extra sessions a day where you intensely and intentionally cuddle and snuggle together.
There are games you can play like pretending she’s a pizza you are making- pat her all over to make her nice and flat, plonk on various toppings- little finger pokes for sweetcorn, all over tickly sprinkle movement for cheese, etc.

Nose rubbing. Who do you like best the fishies or me. Baby games. Things where you focus on each other, look at each other’s faces.

She needs her ‘I am the centre of your world’ tank topping up, because she’s at the point of separating from you a bit.

Thank you for taking my comment so nicely. That bodes really well for your DD. Your good example is the biggest thing in her life, and it sounds as though you will give her the best. Good luck there.

A timely reminder that this has slipped off the radar in the last few weeks. Usually those breaks I mentioned is what gives me the presence of mind to think about moments like this and the energy to implement them. So when the space is removed I tend to retreat into my shell like some sort of grumpy tortoise. Unfortunately this makes the children feel less secure which means they become more demanding so it's a very negative cycle and one I try my best to avoid.

I like the pizza one. We do something similar at bedtime with a lumpy mattress, but this one will be great for during the day.

Honestly this site is so amazing. It's so nice to have a world of ideas at your fingertips and that people take the time to read and respond. Thank you.

Ah I think it would be remiss of me to ask advice and then not take it good naturedly. I see so much strength in my daughter. Strength, resilience and joy. Be quite proud if I am like her most of the time to be honest. Just need to work on the trigger points. Which I think these comments will help with. I'm glad I asked for help!

Is your other child a baby or older than 3?

If a baby, maybe there is jealousy at play.

Yes, he's 5. Everyone told me when the baby (dd) arrived she'd just slot in and wouldn't get as much attention as her big brother but it's been quite the opposite. I've been trying to gain a balance and make sure he still gets attention from the adults since day 1 otherwise she'd be totally ruling the roost. Dynamics feel quite topsy turvey!

The other thing is - just because she prefers you, doesn't mean she gets you. She's 3, she doesn't get to choose.

It'd be a good thing to take time for yourself very visibly - go out for a walk, run, coffee, Mummy will be back later, Daddy is here for you to play with.

She needs to feel the same level of comfort with all of her caregivers, pushing that a bit will be to her benefit.

(Sorry I'm assuming another parent is around as you said you're her 'preferred' parent which made me think there is another parent in the picture).

Just wanted to say my 3.5yo DD is the exactly same, and it can be so demanding. Definitely all the good advice here but it is ok also to maintain your boundaries - I’m mainly saying this as it’s taken me a while to realise that if I establish my own boundaries I can be a better parent. You need to keep a slither of sanity for yourself or you’ll go mad. she doesn’t always get you. I don’t allow mine to sit on my lap during dinner, she eats in her chair then we have a cuddle after. Bedtimes I alternate with my husband- it’s been over a year of kicking off and screaming when it’s his turn but we don’t give in (I have a baby so that’s why we alternate)

sadly she doesn’t seem to be growing out of it anytime soon and I’d say it’s been like this for at least 18 months.

You sound so switched on and self aware, I'm taking notes from this thread too, great advice. It's not easy to be so honestly reflective. Being the default or favourite parent is so exhausting, I absolutely get you needing those breaks. When I tell my kids I'm making a cup of tea they know I'm out of action for at least fifteen minutes while I drink it! Mine are a bit older though. I can't better the advice you've had but solidarity!

My DS and I are taking notes too. OP you do sound fantastically self-aware.

We've been watching Naomi Fisher webinars about emotional regulation and co-regulation and it's all so interesting. The interplay between adult and child, and how they both help each other to keep their emotions in a comfortable state.

My DS is a teenager but we are still learning together.

This is Naomi Fisher : https://www.naomifisher.co.uk/

She talks about autism but a lot of what she says might apply here even with NT folks.

My mummy-philic DD turns 18 on Sunday and whilst the demands are different, they are still very much there. And yes, she’s my clone and it’s fiery! Particularly when my battery is drained.

Ah I'm sorry you're in the long stretch too. It's draining, so well done on discovering your own boundaries and the strength to maintain them. The slither of sanity has to be sacred for all our sakes, and up until now it's worked well that my children have allowed the few minutes a day required to maintain the balance. I'd just forgotten the strength of will a threenager can have. Aye me!!! For example I've not been giving in about sitting on my lap during meals, but I slipped up and said 'not whilst I'm eating/drinking'. So now she waits impatiently for me to finish and then asks to sit on my lap to have hers. Have to hand it to her for ingenuity if nothing else!!!

My oldest rejected my other half outright if I was in any way available for about 2.5 years, but now he's far more balanced. I promise it'll get easier eventually. However knowing that and having lived through a similar situation already isnt preventing me needing reminders and solidarity from Mumsnet. Sometimes you just need the village!

Oh blimey!! I wonder if my mum would say the same and I'm almost 37 😂

Thank you! It's something I've been working on for the past decade or so. It's very kind of you to notice and bring it up. Also incredibly validating now my son is at school to see him implementing some of the things I have taught myself about self reflection. For example when standard playground politics situations arise with other kids. He'll tell me what he did and whether he thought he could have been better or if he acted in a way where he's proud of himself as he remembered to take a breath before reacting etc. Moments like that sincerely make it all seem so worthwhile. It's also happening quicker this time around with the little one which is incredible to see. The other day both kids were having a squabble about something and DD (not 3 till may) put the toy down to take a breath, which made DS (5) do the same and then they worked out a solution together. First time it's ever happened and they had a fight about something else 2 minutes later but I was proud as punch!!!!

Oh thanks I'll read it! Teenagers must be a whole different level! It sounds so wholesome that you're working on things together though, well done to both of you creating a team like that.

I've really enjoyed the 'how to talk' book series, "the book you wish your parents had read" and "siblings without rivalry", they've all revolutionised both my parenting and my relationship with my own parents. Which is nothing short of wizardry.

My daughter still wants me all the time and she is six. Still prefers me for everything!

Hi OP,

I wondered if this webinar might be worth a look?

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/the-art-of-low-demand-parenting-behaviour-tickets-849269055607?aff=ck2

I'll be on it too probably. :-)