Should I cut MIL out of my babies life?

[mamasaurusrex]

Hello 👋 I’m long time lurker first time poster who would really appreciate some advice. This is a long post but hopefully some make it to the end without getting too bored of me moaning!

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 9 of those and we have a beautiful 16 month old baby. My MIL has always been a bit controlling and in the past has done some things which I’ve felt were too intrusive. There have also been a couple of occasions where she has been quite rude to me (and others) but 90% of the time she was very welcoming to me and we always got on very well.
My childhood was unfortunately quite traumatic and it’s left me with a lot of anxiety and depression and PTSD.
I confided in my MIL over the years about my upbringing and she has always been very supportive of me.
To be honest I loved her a bit like a mum and I forgave alot of the difficult things she did because I always felt she came from a good place.

MIL was desperate for me and DH to have a baby (she already has other grandchildren by hubbys sibling.)
I gave birth to our beautiful baby and the moment I brought my baby home MIL changed toward me.
She made nasty comments, jumped down my throat, accused me of wanting the limelight (because I had changed my baby upstairs when she and other guests arrived and so brought baby downstairs with me and greeted everyone.)
She talked like my babies family tree only consisted of MIL and her side, took photographs of my baby but always cut me out of them (even when I was holding my baby,)
When I tried to tell her about what my baby was doing or new things baby was learning she ignored me. Told me I was ridiculous for wanting to do nice things for my baby (because she said my baby wouldn’t remember them) but then wanted to do her version of nice things for the baby to be part of.
Would take my baby and not give her back to me (only my husband) or if she was holding my baby and my baby cried and was reaching for me MIL would walk away with my baby to try and sooth her but obviously couldn’t.)
She then mostly ignored me when I visited and friends of my MIL (who I had previously got on with) changed toward me and suddenly were rude.

I was very upset and for a bit my DH did not step in which really broke me.
Thankfully he saw what was happening and spoke to her about it twice. Both times she claimed other stressors were affecting her but promised her relationship with me was fine (she said it was her other daughter in law she didn’t like) and assured him everything was well.

Behaviour continued. DH got a job in another part of the country which was a seven hour drive away from MIL.
When he broke the news to her she told him she was worried about baby being alone with me.
Part of the abuse I suffered as a child was to be quite seriously isolated. She told DH that I was isolating my baby and living my childhood through my baby.
To say I was heart broken was an under statement.

She refused to apologise for what she had said when DH told her she needed to. He asked me to send her a text telling her how her behaviour and what she had said made me feel so I did and got DH to read message first to make sure I wasn’t fanning any flames.
She didn’t reply to me and when DH asked why MIL said it was because she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing.
I was flawed by her total selfishness and malice.
I finally got a reply of sorts in which she said I would not “intentionally” hurt my child. To me this was no apology at all.
She has also quite obviously been telling people behind my back that I’m abusive to my child by isolating.

Fast forward to now. We live in our new part of the world and DH calls her with the baby on face time once a week at weekends. We returned home a little while ago and I met her with my baby and DH after vowing I never would see her again but I don’t feel that is fair to my baby.
The meeting was strained and it was clear initially that she had been hoping I would not show up but overall it went ok.
I also am there during face times too with my DH and little one. But now she is continuing to talk and act to DH like I don’t exist and still no real apology.

I have told DH that I don’t want MIL in my house from now on. Am I being unfair?
Should I just ignore her behaviour for the sake of my baby?

any advice would be very much appreciated because I feel at a loss here x

There's no one right answer. I can completely understand wanting very little contact with her.

Would there be options for either you when at there's or them at yours to stay somewhere else.

How do you get on with your sister in laws? What sort of interactions does she have with your mil

I'm always very wary when the reply to why don't you like me is essentially "oh no your fine, X is who I have a problem with". Usually they are the sort of person to have a problem with everyone!

What does you husband recommend?

Some very strange behaviour there!

Honestly, I wouldn't want someone like this to stay at my house. But I wouldn't insist on them being cut off totally either. Is there a B&B she can stay at locally if she visits? You can ask DH to give her an excuse e.g. you don't want her sleep to be disturbs over night,or the spare room isn't free for XYZ reason..

Sorry to hear about your situation.

What does your husband say about you not wanting her in your home? Perhaps you could say you’d don’t want her in your home while she does x, y, z and wait for her to adjust her behaviour accordingly. It leaves more of a door open and I think that’s preferable if it’s your in laws rather than your family.

My SIL was pretty horrible to me when I got pregnant and postpartum. My partner thought it was reasonable that I felt I couldn’t see her while it was ongoing. She never apologised and I’m not sure if she regrets the way she acted or not, but after about 18 months she became more civil and so we are now in contact with her again.

Hi everyone. I am very new to mums net, this is only my second post! I'm also really aware I've not interacted on any forums as yet so I've not commented on other peoples posts as I've just not had time yet to really get involved 😴😓😮‍💨
So I know this might mean I won't get much of a response from this question if I'm not giving much back!
But it's been weighing on me and I could do with some unbiased feedback.

This question might also be a trigger for some.

I posted recently about my MIL (thanks for the feedback it was really helpful!) and since I've been civil but have cut her from my life. My baby and DH still speak with her once weekly on video chat but I'm rarely involved.

Approx. Five years ago now I was recommended someone on a professional basis via my MIL. I met with this person both reguarly and semi reguarly for eighteen months in total (only ever on a professional basis) and in that space of time this person both assaulted me and sexually harassed me.
The assault was sexual but was very "minor" (I don't know how else to describe this. I know assault is never minor but I feel what happened to me in comparison to what's happened to some is not as "bad"?)
The sexual harassment was to me far worse because it involved emotional and verbal abuse.
I kept quiet because of my MIL as she and this person were friends of sorts.

Now I feel like I should have reported him and sod what MIL thought. I don't know... this post is probably stupid and pointless and will no doubt upset some who read it.
I'm sorry, this was never my intention.
I just don't know what to do. Perhaps I'm just needing to dump this all somewhere!
Is it too late to report?

I would report as that person is preying on vulnerable people instead of helping them.
As for your mother in law, she is the one with the problem and she won’t know her grandchild very well if she continues to behave badly towards you so her loss

First of all it’s not a stupid and pointless post. Have you talked to your husband about the assault and sexual harassment? Any assault isn’t minor as it’s still having a negative effect on you years later. I don’t know which services can help you but I’d see your GP and they will be able to signpost you to someone that you can talk to about it. I hope that you, your husband and baby are doing well.