My husband doesn’t appreciate me

[Peebleneeb]

Hi fellow mums,

I’m fairly new to mumsnet so go easy on me but I’m sitting in bed alone right now feeling really sad and need to vent.

So for background, I have a daughter who is nearly 2 years old. She was born 4 months early at 24 weeks due to me getting severe early onset preeclampsia and we nearly lost her due to a severe lung bleed while she was in NICU on Mothers Day two years ago (it fell after her birth that year). We were in hospitals with her for months afterwards but thankfully she is fine now and growing and developing normally. My husband and I have been together 12 years, married nearly 3, and both love her very much.

For further background, I’m now back at work part time (3 days a week with early shifts starting at 4am in a very good career) while my daughter is in nursery, the other two weekdays I look after her. Husband works 5 days a week with family business and gets home an hour before she goes to bed. He does help out with her on weekends. I do (no word of a lie) every single chore. From hoovering, cleaning tops, dusting, loading/unloading dishwasher, cooking, ordering food shops, doing bins, weeding garden, washing and putting away laundry, you name it I do it all. I also have to remember all the birthdays in his and my family and have to remind him to order gifts etc, if not buy them myself for them and wrap them all. He is a workaholic so sometimes works on his laptop at home while I do chores etc so I’ve never made a fuss as he does bring in the most of the money at the moment (having said that my FT equivalent wage wouldn’t be far off). I also do all our daughters meals, most bath times, drs appts and always always put her to bed (which has often taken up to an hour out of my evening while he sits and watches football).

Day to day he never says thank you or even acknowledge anything I do, yet he acts like I’m ungrateful if I get a bit snappy when he’s home late or has to go to work to finish something.

So last Mothers Day I was maybe stupidly expecting a lovely card and maybe a meal or just a family day together to mark not just Mother’s Day but also the day we nearly lost her (and I’m talking we were told to prepare for her death by consultants level of nearly lost her). But my husband instead helped his sister move some things into her new flat. I went for a walk alone on the beach with my daughter and felt really sad all day. He got me a basic card and a mum keyring. I was grateful for the gifts but honestly would have much rather just have spent some time with him and my daughter. I then went home alone, cleaned the whole house as usual and cooked us all dinner before putting baby to bed and going to sleep myself.

He also doesn’t make an effort on my birthday- even though he knows birthdays are a big thing in my family and I like to do something fun (I’m prefer activities/memorable days outs etc over gifts).

And so for this years Mother’s Day I told him around a month ago that I didn’t want presents, rather PRESENCE. And that I’d like us to go for a nice Sunday lunch somewhere and also a card from our daughter and him. I didn’t think it was much to ask. Tonight he’s told me he tried to book somewhere today but they’re all booked up so shall we just stay home… which to me means him sitting on the sofa working while I look after our daughter. So I’m gutted.

May seem so silly but with all the built up anger in me over his ungrateful attitude, I just feel really bitter. Whenever I try to talk to him he just makes it out like I’m being ridiculous since he is the main earner, but I’m working 24/7 at work and as a full time mum and I’m absolutely knackered. I still do put half my income towards bills/food too so I don’t know why he’s so ungrateful for everything I do. I’m just so upset because I feel like I hate him some days because I feel like his personal maid or slave (I prod him about this a lot). We aren’t intimate because we are both busy and tired but also tbh I don’t fancy him at the moment as he doesn’t treat me very kindly. I’m a friendly upbeat person and I feel like he’s just dragging me down. I’m also upset because I don’t want my daughter to think that how he treats me is right as she grows up. And then I question if I’m being over dramatic and maybe this is just the norm! I don’t want a broken family as someone who came from one, but he won’t listen to me so I’m at odds about how to fix things. I would really like to feel appreciated and even maybe celebrated on special occasions, but he just doesn’t change.

What would you do in my situation? Am I expecting too much?

Thank you for listening x

I had one of then. Got rid. Best decision ever.

Hi this is a really hard situation. I think perhaps you need to consider what it is that would help you feel better. Would it be him doing some of the house stuff, would it be perhaps outsourcing some of the house stuff, or would it definitely be him appreciating it.
if it’s the last one than maybe you need to really guide him how best to appreciate you in a way you want. I have often said to my husband please love me the way I want to be loved. Your husband might think he’s doing something in terms of working and providing but if you explain that isn’t how you feel appreciated it may help. It’s really hard but I find I have to be very explicit like I would like you to give me a hug every now and then, ask me my day was etc. it seems annoying and prescriptive but the way I see it is if he tries and does those things I know he cares he just is rubbish at figuring out how to show it so I kind of spell it out.

if that isn’t suitable for you and he really isn’t showing you and you want to continue in the marriage then I think you should consider reducing some of what you do (outsource is feasible) or make a clear plan for husband to take on something.

it sounds like you must be exhausted and it’s so tough! I hope this years Mother’s Day is positive for you.

Aw OP that's a hard situation and I'm sorry you're going through that. I definitely sympathise as even though my DH does a fair share of housework and childcare, he's not the kind to go overboard on special occasions. And I am. I love to plan surprises and make amazing cakes and treats to celebrate people and occasions, I love to surprise our kids with things like a room makeover, or a very well planned day out, or an exciting game, etc. Sometimes it hits me that no one will ever do the same for me, and I get quite sad.

Have you talked to your DH about how you don't feel appreciated? Ask him to please go all out next Sunday, that you need it and will really appreciate it, especially as it's the anniversary of what happened. And also talk about a fairer share of household chores/childcare. He should be helping a lot more on the days you work.

Wishing you an amazing Mother's Day next Sunday 😘

You are expecting way too little. He sounds so lazy, entitled and disconnected.

"he just doesn’t change" you have to force it. You need to stop being afraid of the "broken" home thing, it isn't broken, sometimes marriages do not work out, yours may not but you are going to burn out trying to be what you think is the perfect wife when he is absolutely so far away from being the perfect husband.

I am going to address this part which I feel out of all of it is the most important part "He does help out with her on weekends" he doesn't "help" helping implies something is your job, he is her parent and needs to start acting like one but in order to facilitate that you need to step back. In fact it requires you to leave the house, leave him to parent his child alone. If you are going to tell me that you can't possibly leave her then you need to question why you cannot trust the Father of your child with his own daughter. He needs to learn how to calm her down, interact with her, learn her schedule etc and this progresses to him being present when you put her to bed so that Daddy being around for bed time is normal and then he can do his fair share of parenting his child and putting her to bed whilst you sit down.

At this rate you are going to burn out. Him earning a wage does not negate him being an adult with responsibilities which include housework. It should be divided fairly between you. You are not his Mother, he is a grown ass adult who needs to start acting like one.

Mother's Day, no it is unacceptable to stay in, he can arrange a picnic for you to eat somewhere, or a walk to go on, something that actually requires effort and leaving the house together. The reason "everywhere" is full is because other husbands were organised and booked these things. Tell him you expect a lovely card from your child.

Birthdays, sorry but you knew this when you married him unless he previously did lots and now does nothing. But in return I would put the same effort in for his birthday. I would also tell him from now on he is responsible for all the birthdays etc on his side of the family. He has a calendar he can put the dates into that is now firmly on him.

Long term I don't think he respects you right now, he thinks you will continue to do everything like a servant, quietly and without complaint. I would look into counselling for both of you moving forward to bridge the gap that seems to have come between you.

Honestly, you sound absolutely lovely, too kind, too caring but doing everything, being responsible for everything is just wrong. Not making a fuss has landed you here and you need to talk to him and make changes to your behaviour, stop doing certain things, they need to become his responsibility.

Know your own worth and make that clear to him along with your expectations.

He either shapes up or ships out. Doing everything yourself is far easier without a limpet making more mess, leaving more dishes, expecting a meal etc etc.

Chores should be a joint enterprise- not necessarily 50/50 but definitely shared fairly.

I don't know where you live but not everywhere is fully booked for next Sunday. He needs to try harder.

Hi has anything changed, and how ? I feel I'm in a similar situation, and I am useless with confronting him. Would like to know how you get there