Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my 18 month old to stay overnight at other peoples houses?

[Bugie405]

Myself and my husband are stuck in a constant argument about this. My daughter stays at my parents house overnight when I work nights. But otherwise I don't want her staying overnight at other peoples houses yet. I think my parents have her two nights when I havent been working in 18 months

My husband is desperate for his mum or sister to have her overnight and says it is unfair because my parents have her.

His arguments are;

1. His sister is desperate to have her overnight and so I'm being cruel not allowing it and depriving her of the joy our daughter brings
2. Its good for her to get used to staying with other people incase my parents arent able to have her some night
3. Its not fair that my parents have her and no one else
4. Im being too overprotective and holding her back from experiences

My arguments are;

1. His mum and sister never go out off their way to come and visit my daughter to build a relationship, they only see her when we take her to them so why should I willingly hand her over to people who dont make time for her but yet apparently want her on their own
2. She is a bad sleeper, up multiple times a night, ends up in our bed etc so it not a case of her going to sleep and not needing comfort etc throughout the night
3. My parents have her out of necessity because they are our childcare when I work
4. Its my prerogative to be protective when I feel the sleepover is only for the benefit of other people and not in my daughters best interests

Just interested to hear other peoples opinions...thank you

I’m sort of with your DH on the point about having an alternative in place in case your parents can’t have her for some reason - emergencies sadly do crop up from time to time and needing overnight care 4 times a fortnight till 12pm the following day is quite substantial. Unless you both have cast iron policies at work that support emergency childcare needs?

In the current situation where your child doesn’t spend much time with your DH family, it is totally reasonable to say it might not work to have them overnight.

But you’d be unreasonable to just be saying “no nope they’re not staying there ever”. Since your DH is so desperate for your child to have more relationship with his family, he should be facilitating that - not overnights yet though. And you should support him in that. Overnights are the thing that happens when someone spends so much time with the child that they are both really comfortable and know the child’s needs inside out. But I do think you should be working towards that with your DH family.

And if your DH keeps trying to arrange time for his family to be with your child and his family don’t engage, then obv overnights can’t happen. And if he expects you to do all the arranging - nuh uh.

It really would be a good idea to have an alternative childcare option though. You rely heavily on it and what if your mum got sick?

In principle your partner is right. If it's ok to have sleep at your parents it should be ok for her to sleep at his parents too. His sister is another discussion so I'd stick with his parents for no.

But

At 18 months I wouldn't want my child staying overnight at anyone's home who wasn't part of their regular childcare situation. So had previously spent a good chunk of time completely alone with them including a meal time and a nap first.

I think to focus on your current stand points you are going to have never ending circular arguments. You both need to come up with a scenario and a plan for what would have to happen for you to feel comfortable with them having her overnight. Improved overnight sleep yep. I have a 3yo who doesn't sleep and doesn't accept dad overnight never mind anyone else. She won't be staying overnight until I can be confident that others can sooth her in the same way. My mother in law is closest in this situation and she has had her for an evening a couple of times and done bed time. My mum isn't physically in a position to do such care and can only manage a few hours in the day time as she can't pick my daughter up due to 2 fractured vertebrae.

It's not a one size fits all rule and for me it's when a grandparent can take on a carers role that they can have young preschool aged children overnight. That said all those that want overnight with grandparents should be given the opportunity to get that carers badge if you are allowing others to fulfill that role. I would start with day time and go from their

What happens if your parents are on holiday or ill? It’s always good to have a back up, but I don’t know why you don’t just ask your MIL directly if she actually wants your DD overnight? Right now, it sounds like she has said nothing about potential visits, and it’s just your husband being awkward and demanding that his family have “their turn”. You may find she doesn’t want the responsibility of having your child overnight, particularly if she’s not making the effort to even visit.

Dh is every bit as much her parent as you, and has equal say.