Anxious and terrified of how we are going to cope with three children

[Alllthesmallthings]

I’m pregnant with my third, and very unplanned, child. We used protection, which failed, and I also took the MAP, but I must have already ovulated as I still fell pregnant. A termination wasn’t something I felt I could go through with so we decided we would proceed with the pregnancy.

I felt ok about it in the early stages but as time has gone on I’m growing more and more fearful of how we are going to cope with three children. Managing two children at the moment is exhausting, they are 7 and 2 and both are going through extremely hard phases, and I am feeling extremely guilty about bringing another child into the mix.

I keep having awful thoughts about how I wish I’d have had the termination, or how I’d be relieved if I miscarried, and I’m feeling like the world’s most awful mother. I will speak to my midwife at my next appointment but if anyone has any nice words of encouragement it would be appreciated 💔

Just wanted to say it’ll be okay. I have three, youngest is now 1, I’d say standards of both screen time and house organisation have taken a dip at various points (!) over the last year, but it’s so amazing seeing the bonds they all have together. I’ve sort of decided that perpetual guilt is something that happens to everyone! Really hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly 😊

You'll be fine. Absolutely millions of people have raised more than two children, it's absolutely doable. Hard work obviously, but completely doable.

Organisation and reasonable/attainable standards are the two key factors. Look into whether you need to increase organisation and/or lower your standards in some areas.

I'm sorry this is so scary.
Some suggestions ( they are only suggestions, so junk any that don't seem to fit for you)

You don't say how many weeks pregnant you are now but if you are feeling reasonably well, try and use the time you have now to implement beneficial changes before the new baby arrives.

Think about routines with your current two. Is there anything that you can implement now that will help when no 3 arrives? This might include getting the 7 year old to do basic chores like tidying his/her toys at the end of the day. Maybe getting the 2 year old into a better sleep routine? They will probably respond better if you start these things now rather than being "because" of the new baby

Have a toy and clothes clear out. Obviously keep some of the better things for the new baby, but does it all need to be kept? Routines will be easier to stick to if you are surrounded by less "stuff"

Is your 2 year old in nursery? If not could you afford to start him/her for a few mornings a week right now ( and are nursery places available?). If will buy you a bit of time/space each week and the 2 year old is less likely to associate going to nursery ( and being without mummy/daddy) with the new baby arriving. It will help him/her to become more independent too!

What support do you have from family/friends? Can you talk to someone close about how you feel and ask if they could help. It could be as simple as taking one of your elderly two for a couple of hours once a month.

Can you talk to your midwife about this? I suspect that feeling like you do could put you at greater risk of post natal depression ( and also antenatal depression is a thing too). She may be able to offer some support.

What are your finances like? Can you buy in some extra help eg cleaner/gardener/someone to do ironing etc? Obviously this might not be possible but if you can do it, it might take some of the strain.

Can you do lots of batch cooking now and put in the freezer so that you have easy meals for the first few weeks after the baby arrives? Do you have any family or friends who could cook a meal for you once a week for a little while?

Finally please try to take things a step at a time. Don't try to face all the implications all at once. You only have to deal with a day at a time. In lockdown I bubbled with a family that had three children under the age of two. It was very hard for the parents but I can see it getting easier as the children get older and more independent.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. FWIW I have 3 and while hard, it’s wonderful. A third child could bring a whole new dimension and actually improve the behaviour of the other 2. Speak to your mw about your fears and get ready for a dip in mood after you’ve given birth. But you will cope, it will be ok

Honestly you will be fine, I had 3 under 4.

It was hard but mine are grown now and I love my youngest so much

I did worry at the time as they weren't planned

Thank you for your messages and kind words.

I think I just feel so exhausted already (I’m only 23 weeks) and we already heavily rely on screen time (which I’m finding hard to reduce). Financially I think we will be ok, although I am the main breadwinner and, although get a good maternity package, it’s still something else to worry about. We have a cleaner twice a month which does help, although might have to cut back if things get tight.

The 2 year old is a very good sleeper and already goes to nursery twice a week (which he will continue to do when the baby is arrives), but he’s struggling with speech delay and as such he is very frustrated and generally hard work. I suppose that’s playing on my mind too and I worry I’m going to have even less time to spend with him when the baby is here. My eldest also suddenly has the attitude of a teenager 🤣

I guess it’s all very normal stuff and we will be fine (we’ll have to be!) but all I can think about is the negatives right now.