Need to make a decision

[higgleton]

Me and my partner are both so so torn but we need to make a decision in the next few years regarding having children.

Our relationship is very strong, happy and healthy. We both earn great money and are in management roles. We're driven and worry the impact a child would have on this. However, I'm finding it hard to imagine my future without a child with my partner and all the wonderful things that would bring.

Please please tell me your honest experiences! Is it possible to live a fulfilled life and have it all?!

Depends on how much money you've got and how involved in raising your child you want to be. If you hire a nanny from day 1 and formula feed, it would be pretty easy to crack with life as before I'd think. In the reality that most people experience, yes they change your life irreversibly. That said, the experience of raising them is entirely unique and comes with a huge amount of positives as well. It's perfectly possible to go back to work full time and be as driven/committed in your job if you want to, but it does take a bit of time. I went back to work at 6 months and I'd say it took me another 6 months to feel properly back into it, and another 6 to feel like I was really flying again as I was prior to having a child. In other aspects of your life eg spontaneity, finance, responsibility, anxiety, there is no getting round the fact that your life is different. You just can't operate how you did before but that's not to say you can't still live a very fulfilling life. I am back to doing everything I would like to be, but it has taken time and is harder work now as I generally have more demand on my time and less energy to do it all.

Thanks for giving me some insight. We would not have support around us from family but could probably afford a nanny. As a household we earn around £150k. I then think whats the point if I'm paying someone to raise our child. It's such a hard decision and it seems we're swaying more towards not having children but I worry I will live to regret this

Both me and my partner are in highly skilled roles.
My original plan was to take 9 months off maternity leave and go back full time. Instead I was too unwell with pnd and at 10months I went into a mother and baby unit and instead of returning to work at the end of my mat leave I went on sick leave and it took a further 3 months to do a phased return. In the process of doing this I discovered I could no longer work 3 days in a row so I dropped down to 4 days a week and take Wednesdays off.

My daughter is in nursery 4 days a week. On days when I'm on the office she is in from 7.30 until 5.45 and days when I'm at home from 8.30 until 6. Then are long days and don't leave us much time in the evening. We have 45 minutes from walking through the door to doing bedtime and on that time we have to cook dinner for us, find something for my daughter to eat she's has a large snack to a small meal. She has medication 1 and her multivitamin. She needs these about half an hour before medication 2 which she needs 20-30minutes before her bedtime cup of oat milk...as you can imagine there isn't much of a time buffer for things to go awry. This wouldn't be the case for most children. Working 4 days a week hasn't impacted my career and actually at my workplace most employees, male and female, have done a period for time with reduced days. Compressed hours are also an option. One of my colleagues does 36h over 4 days (4.5days pro rata) rather than the 32h I do for my 4 days. My partner wishes he could but he role is such that his commitments would not decrease with less days he would just have fewer days to complete them and for less pay.

I do have to be organised and a lot of the organisation for the week happens on a Sunday. For example we do a swimming lesson on a Wednesday and that bag got packed this evening alongside her bag for the week. It just reduces the number of balls to keep up in the air during the week. I do online food shops and get them delivered on a day when I'm WFH usually a mid morning slot so I can deal with it on my lunch break.

For me my mental health is more of a blocker for time than my daughter is. This is the reason she gets dropped off later when I'm at home as it makes me a bit sedated. I'm bipolar so it's something I always have to figure into life. My team, all post docs, consists of 4 (boss included) with 1 child, 1 has 2, 2 don't have any children and 1 has step children. Work is always very accommodating with emergency child care for sickness, snow days (rural and high up with hills) and when our nursery closed with 20 minutes notice and we had no consistent child care for 13 weeks! (Through very unfortunate and unusual circumstances - this is not typical at all just incase it scared you!). I was also promoted whilst pregnant.

I mean it’s personal choice for everyone but on your death bed are you going to look back at your life and be glad of your glittering high flying career and be perfectly at peace with that? Is it a life well spent for you?

I have a 20 month old, so my thoughts are purely based on the experience and life style of having a very young child - in a few more years I might say something different. Based on the here and now, I would seriously say it’s not a good idea to have a child unless you really, really want children. As the woman, you will pay the physical price of the damage pregnancy and childbirth does to your body, some of which may be permanent. You will then spend years lifting, carrying and pushing an increasingly heavy child, which is very tiring and is essentially manual labour which really takes a toll on your body. You won’t be able to perform at work in the same way as before unless you have a third adult available at all times to do childcare eg grandparents, because at any moment you can get the dreaded phone call from nursery to ask you to collect your child, and you will then have to drop what you’re doing and will have to take carer’s leave/annual leave at short notice. You’ll be restricted in terms of where you can go and what you can do while your child is young and in a pushchair. Weekends are no longer restful as you’re doing childcare instead of being able to relax. There is also potential for a lot of arguments and tension with your partner and you have to really stand your ground and make sure they do their fair share. Yes it’s amazing watching your child grow and change, but it comes at a cost and only you can decide if it’s worth it to you.

Is it possible to live a fulfilled life
Absolutely. It’s a completely different experience to what fulfilled me pre DC, but it still is very fulfilling.

And have it all
Highly depends what you mean by this. DC require enormous sacrifice. Both mine and DH’s careers have slowed down while the DC are little. We are less indulgent, less spontaneous and see a lot less of our friends. We work out less and look worse than we did 5 years ago. Having it all is a pretty misogynistic concept really and one that isn’t expected of men. But broadly, of course you can’t be the companies top employee while also maintaining a stellar social life, working out 5 times a week, having hobbies and being around to put your DC to bed every single night. You are fortunate to have the sort of salaries that can buy in lots of help, if that’s what you want. You have to chose what’s important and let a bit or a lot of everything else slide.

Having DC is hard work and I think you have to really want them to be able to get through the tough times. Sounds like you are a bit lukewarm and would only be doing it out of a fear of regret. It's perfectly normal and acceptable to be child free and you can be fulfilled focusing on your career and own needs.

You also need to think about the risk of having a dc with higher needs - rates of SEN are increasing and not just genetic issues but the highest increasing problem is child MH, for example. Anything like that can mean that plans to slot a child neatly into your lifestyle might not work, eg if they can't access mainstream school. Even without any diagnosed issues - I would be wary of having a picture in your mind of how it will be having a child - it will almost certainly be far less idyllic.

Yes it will impact your career. I say this as someone with a much higher income than you, a nanny and a housekeeper.

Paid help certainly goes a long way, but your nanny will work set hours, and your child will wake at night. So unless you can afford nannies night and day, one of you always needs to be home in time for the nanny. You may often find yourself logging back in once they're in bed, which is a killer if your child then wakes overnight or really early, which is not unusual. Trying to catch up with work at the weekend is very hard as you have no childcare.

If you have a nanny and they're off sick you're buggered with work. If they go to nursery and the child is sick you're also buggered.

Plus of course you actually want to spend time with your child.

I work with a lot of senior women and we all feel the strain one way or another.

I'm not saying it isn't worth it, but it is hard.

I agree with this. My two are both small. 2.5yo and 8mo. Was set on one until 12 months because honestly that first year was horrendous. DH and I nearly separated. We thought “what have we done”. It is utterly relentless, there is no down time.

My body is properly fucked. My pelvic floor needs work. I’m 3st heavier than pre children (and breastfeeding didn’t help me lose weight, if anything I’ve put more on). I ache all-the-time, weight doesn’t help but the constant pick-up-put-down takes it’s toll. A mum friend saw a chiropractor when her youngest was school age.

Do I love them? Yes. Would I change them? No. Do I sometimes have “grass is greener” moments? Yes. I’d have regretted not having children, definitely. And there are moments of sheer joy. But mostly parenting is “fine”.

As one of Thatchers children who believed we could have it all, I had DC mid 30's and returned to a high flying career with a housekeeper, nanny nursery etc. It is hard but it is worth every penny. My DC are mid 20s and I am so proud of them; the adults they have become, for finishing Uni and their choice of partners. Yes it is hard, but this is life. I'm far more proud at 60 of them then my stellar career. Don't let life pass you by.

I fudged the ages to keep me anon and now they don't add up but you get what I mean!

Some really great insights here. Whilst it's also my partner's decision and he is fine either way, it's me who will feel the most impact physically and mentally. I love my job but like a PP said, what is it that I'll think about/ be proud of on my deathbed. I just don't want to live with regrets

We were like you . Thought we'd really regret not having kids

Fell pregnant first time! Felt I was on a runaway train during pregnancy

I'm going to be very controversial here and say that I wish I wasn't a parent. Some people just get it , I don't. I miss my old life so much and what incredible lives we had before.......

(Sorry I'm probably sure you didn't want this much honesty)

I completely appreciate your honesty! I am so sorry that you feel like that, it is a very difficult thing to admit as it goes against how you're expected to feel. Have you had your LO or are you still pregnant?

No my son is 7 now . I wish I felt differently I really do !

I just don't want to live with regrets

I genuinely don’t think this is possible though. Choosing to have DC is extremely speculative. Until you have them and exist day in day out with them you have no idea how you will feel and, it’s not like you can hand them back if you decide parenting isn’t for you. For every person that overall wishes they hadn’t become a parent there will be a person who wishes they had rolled the dice and had a DC. There will be also lots of happy parents and lots of happy childfree people. You just have no idea what camp you will fall into, unless you can predict the future.

I doubt many people regret their children as their final thought on their deathbed, but the impact children have on your day to day existence can absolutely lead to low level regret for years and years. I genuinely don’t think worry about future regret is a good enough reason to have DC. I’m sure I’ll regret a lot when I die, none of which I can change!

If you are not sure, then do these little souls a favour and don’t!
honestly, it’s not a half job. It is a huge commitment. You don’t know what kind of challenges you’ll be faced with.

I am not really a “kid person” and was ambivalent about having children, my partner really wanted one though, and so we did.

I had my DD in my late 30s, back to work FT now and she is in nursery most of the week. Hasn’t impacted my career, in fact I have had a promotion since. She is a great driver for me to continue to succeed, I want to give her everything I didn’t have. She is thriving at nursery and we have a great relationship.

One thing I will say is consider the sacrifices, you will be busy in some way or another, all day, every day, 24/7. You may also pay a price physically, I weigh more now than I ever have and I have very little time to address it, and also some issues due to her birth. Being a parent is relentless, but also extremely rewarding, I love her more than I ever thought possible 😊

I think choosing to become a parent is the biggest role of the dice. You don't know how everything will go, what you will feel, what difficulties you may face, what your life will be like. It's impossible to know in advance. For that reason I think you have to really, really want to have a child. And you have to expect your life to be turned upside down initially.

Remembering how much I wanted to be a mum makes it easier to get through the hard times. I feel very fortunate to have my dc and love them to bits but parenting is hard.

I have a 22 month old and @Crunchybiscuit1 summed up well how it is.
I always knew I wanted a child but gosh it's so more difficult than I thought and there are so many days when I am just getting through with willpower. Only have a child if you are sure about it. And if you are sure that your partner is able and willing to be present and involved (unless you are happy to do most of it alone).

I decided I definitely couldn't have it all, went from planning my route to partnership to not returning to work at all after my first and still being at home now years after I had the second. You just cannot predict how you'll feel, love it or hate it.

I agree it's a roll of the dice. In my case, I absolutely got lucky and have loved being a mum much more than I ever thought possible. (I was very on the fence up till about 35 and had DC1 at 37.) We had a very good lifestyle as a couple - two good incomes, lots of travel, eating out, lazy weekends. Things are rather different now 😂 but I am very happy and wouldn't change it.

I have 3 DC and this is my take based on what you've said:

• One child is fairly manageable (assuming no special needs). You can share the load with your partner - alternate bedtimes, lie-ins, wake-ups, give each other a break at the weekend. I don't know about 2 because we had twins second time round , but with multiple kids we both felt it was non-stop for years. I'm just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now youngest is 4.
• A hands-on, genuine partner is INDISPENSABLE. My DH did his fair share of all childcare except the breastfeeding. This makes a massive difference to your sleep, sanity and personal space. And if you always share things like bedtime, your child will accept daddy and not depend on you for everything. Do NOT become the default parent while on mat leave.
• It's hard on your relationship. Even with one kid, you end up spending much less time as a couple. You're both tired, juggling multiple roles. You may disagree on how to parent. You'll almost certainly fight and bicker more than before DC. If there's one thing in my life now that I wish I could get back, it's the loved-up bubble with DH.
• If you want to go back to work and can afford the childcare, just do it. I struggled most with my mental health when I felt adrift from my adult life, stuck in an endless round of baby groups and soft play. I felt like I was losing my identity. So I went back to work (to the horror of MIL) and it was absolutely fine.
• Working FT and having a nanny does not mean someone else is raising your child. My DC have been in nursery/ part-time nanny/ at school since 16-20 months old each. They know who their mum is. You are still the one who is always there, every wake-up and bedtime, the one who they run to greet when you come home. You're the constant in their lives, not a nanny or a nursery who are there Mon-Friday. And ask yourself: how much do you actually remember before, say, 4? By the time you're really making memories, your DC will be in school anyway. My eldest (sadly) doesn't even remember the lady who looked after him every weekday afternoon for two years.
• Finally and most importantly, for me having my DC has been one of the most wonderful and unique experiences of my life. There is nothing I have ever achieved in a job that compares to the simple joy of holding them, loving them, teaching them, being loved in return. It's a love like no other (not better necessarily, but unique.) Yes, they are exhausting, frustrating, messy, noisy, naughty; yes, sometimes I long for just 5 minutes' peace; yes, lots of it is mundane and ordinary. But when it's magical, it is truly magical. I wouldn't give them up for all the lie-ins, posh dinners or five star hotels in the world.

When we started trying to conceive the first month when I got my period I was relieved. The next month fair neutral and the third month there was a tinge of sadness the following month I got a positive test and whilst terrified as pregnancy and having a baby put me a 50% chance risk of getting very unwell.

I think there are a lot of external factors which make it very personable to the couple. Our lifestyle was already quite sedate. Whilst we were qualifying we regularly worked 70h weeks and 26 days out 28. We just finished renovating our second house. We didn't have much of a social life which means are daughter has just slotted into our life quite easily. We have found a good balance for sleep as my 3 yo still has trouble sleeping. I do the night shift and my partner does the early mornings. We have found a rhythm to daily life where my partner does most of the cooking and chores that need to be doing daily. I take all the weekly tasks.

From speaking to lots of mums the ones who cope the eldest are those with the most supportive partner who will just seamlessly do what is needed and supports you to do what you need. The first year for my partner was really hard. My daughter was unwell, I was very unwell and he felt utterly useless. What he could do was feed us and hold us and clear up the toys at the end of the day. So that's what he did. From about 10-11 months our daughter was well enough to accept care from daddy too. Around 13-14 months I was well enough to start engaging with the world again and with my partner.

We are just trying to work out if it is worth doing all over again with a second child.