Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Appropriate for tween daughter and H to spoon in bed?

25 replies

purplejeanie · 03/03/2024 06:55

Probably fine but H and DD(10) have always been v close. H often goes into her bed in morning and spoons with her. She asks him to do it. I have started to feel strange about it, but might be my own cultural prejudices (or because my own relationship with H is not great). He comes from a warmer more touchey feeley culture. Is it fine? Is there a point when it doesn't become fine any more (ie when she's in puberty?). Thanks

OP posts:
HumanbyDesign · 03/03/2024 06:59

You calling it spooning makes it sound inappropriate but surely they're just having a cuddle? My DD is 10 and I would have absolutely no qualms about her cuddling with dad in bed - we regularly cuddle in bed of a morning and I know that she is still very much a child just looking for parental comfort and warmth.

I personally am making the most of it as at that age they surely won't want to cuddle much longer, I expect your DH feels the same!

rwalker · 03/03/2024 07:01

I think there will naturally come a point where she’s does want to do it
I’d think that will come pretty soon
I think I’d leave it to her as long as it stops when she becomes uncomfortable with it it’s fine

SomethingDifferentt · 03/03/2024 07:05

Your use of the word spoon is very odd in relation to a parent cuddling a child in bed.

I get into bed with ds3 every night for a while but I can't imagine saying that ever, or dh.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Sirzy · 03/03/2024 07:09

your language is trying to turn it into something it isn’t.

its a father and daughter having a cuddle at the daughters request. Nothing odd about that.

Rachel757677 · 03/03/2024 07:12

Spoon?

What a strange thing to say.

I've no doubt there will be a certain type of Mumsnetter along soon who will tell you to call Social Services.🤣

purplejeanie · 03/03/2024 07:13

Sorry by using the word 'spoon' I wasn't trying to sexualise. I literally thought it referred to the position of the cuddle but I've now looked it up so will see if I can edit. Thanks for everyone's insights. I'm not trying to read anything into it that isn't there, just wanted a reality check. My mum and sister also say it's inappropriate for any daughter and father to share a bed, which I didn't think was right but wanted to check my thinking.

OP posts:
PansyOatZebra · 03/03/2024 08:30

SomethingDifferentt · 03/03/2024 07:05

Your use of the word spoon is very odd in relation to a parent cuddling a child in bed.

I get into bed with ds3 every night for a while but I can't imagine saying that ever, or dh.

This! I think it’s odd you call it spooning tbh…

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/03/2024 08:33

But they aren’t sharing a bed, he’s going in on her request for a morning cuddle. Alternatively you could call into your bed for a family cuddle.

Again calling it spooning is odd.

ThePoshUns · 03/03/2024 08:40

They aren't sharing a bed , they are having a cuddle in the morning. Absolutely not an issue. Like others have said there will be a time soon where your daughter will naturally withdraw from this and it will stop. He sounds like a lovely dad, don't let others prejudice spoil it for you and them.

Scaffoldingisugly · 03/03/2024 08:41

Lots of other ways to cuddle a dc... That aren't questionable...

TinaYouFatLard · 03/03/2024 08:51

It’s not inappropriate at all. My DS is just turned 13 and I still wake him up for school by getting in his bed and cuddling him. This won’t be for much longer. He’s still pretty much a little boy but once puberty hits we’ll both naturally change. His brother is two years older and I will knock very loudly before slowly opening the door to his bedroom!

You mention a poor relationship with your DH. Is he withholding affection from you?

Blarn · 03/03/2024 08:56

I cuddle dd who is 9 in bed. Dh, who isn'tas cuddly/snuggly would absolutely give her a cuddle in bed if asked. When dc stop doing it we won't ask as will take it as a sign they don't want to any longer.

ForeverYellow · 03/03/2024 09:02

Ds is 8 and comes into our bed every morning for a cuddle and snuggles between me and Dh . I need to get up earlier so leave those two having a cuddle .

Desecratedcoconut · 03/03/2024 09:03

Well, referring to it as spooning is proper weird.

SoOutingWhoCares · 03/03/2024 09:12

Ok...my two pence.

Firstly, I see nothing wrong with a loving parent having a morning cuddle with a child in bed, at the child's request, not forcing it or ignoring boundaries/discomfort. She will probably get uncomfortable at some point in the next few years as others say.

Secondly, this is quite timely for me. I was talking to a lovely man yesterday who is definitely not some sort of a abuser and he mentioned how great it is having daughters as they are so open hearted and loving and he wished his sons had the sort of societal permission to still hug like they did when they were little. He said something like, my boys would never want a hug after about age 10, but my girls are in their 30s and will still come and sit next to me on the sofa and give me a great big hug and cuddle up when they need me and as a dad it's great to be needed and know they sometimes still need their father.

And I had to hide the fact I'd started to cry. Because I had never had a father I could cuddle. And I did need it at times. I could never go to him to make me feel safe. He's just not an affectionate man.

So can you guess what happened around 11/12 when I just needed a bloody good cuddle and someone's arms around me to make me feel safe? It made me very very vulnerable around boys and men. I'm quite lucky to have escaped some of the worst types of abuse but I didn't escape it entirely and ended up having unwanted sexual experiences around 12/13 when all I wanted was some attention and affection from a male figure.

Having a cold, emotionally unavailable dad really fucked me up when it came to relationships and is a big part of why I'm single and childless at 40 because my baseline was so low and it led me directly into the path of abusive men. I've noticed that friends who had great relationships with their dads, and dads who were respectfully physically affectionate and openly loving towards them settled into much healthier relationships at a young age than women like me. My mothers dad was similarly unaffectionate and would have rejected her request for morning cuddles and attempted to sexualise it/call it inappropriate. She ended up pregnant in her teens to a man in his 40s who basically targetted and groomed her and she always says she never wanted sex with him,
she just wanted a father figure and she'd never known her dad to put his arms around her.

So I see what you're describing as a good and healthy thing, not anything perverse or creepy.

Let the cuddles continue as long as she wants them. She's most likely going to have far better relationship standards than I ever did.

GlitteryEars · 03/03/2024 09:14

I don't think he should be initiating it at this age as soon she might find it uncomfortable and that might be harder for her to communicate if he is going to her bed rather than her just stopping going to him for a cuddle.

emmylousings · 03/03/2024 09:27

I was still having cuddles in bed with my DSs at that age. Would that bother you? It's sad to me that we have reached a point where people are so anxious about affection between male family members and girls.

purplejeanie · 03/03/2024 10:15

GlitteryEars · 03/03/2024 09:14

I don't think he should be initiating it at this age as soon she might find it uncomfortable and that might be harder for her to communicate if he is going to her bed rather than her just stopping going to him for a cuddle.

She asks every evening for him to come and cuddle her the next morning so it is her initiating.

OP posts:
purplejeanie · 03/03/2024 10:17

SoOutingWhoCares · 03/03/2024 09:12

Ok...my two pence.

Firstly, I see nothing wrong with a loving parent having a morning cuddle with a child in bed, at the child's request, not forcing it or ignoring boundaries/discomfort. She will probably get uncomfortable at some point in the next few years as others say.

Secondly, this is quite timely for me. I was talking to a lovely man yesterday who is definitely not some sort of a abuser and he mentioned how great it is having daughters as they are so open hearted and loving and he wished his sons had the sort of societal permission to still hug like they did when they were little. He said something like, my boys would never want a hug after about age 10, but my girls are in their 30s and will still come and sit next to me on the sofa and give me a great big hug and cuddle up when they need me and as a dad it's great to be needed and know they sometimes still need their father.

And I had to hide the fact I'd started to cry. Because I had never had a father I could cuddle. And I did need it at times. I could never go to him to make me feel safe. He's just not an affectionate man.

So can you guess what happened around 11/12 when I just needed a bloody good cuddle and someone's arms around me to make me feel safe? It made me very very vulnerable around boys and men. I'm quite lucky to have escaped some of the worst types of abuse but I didn't escape it entirely and ended up having unwanted sexual experiences around 12/13 when all I wanted was some attention and affection from a male figure.

Having a cold, emotionally unavailable dad really fucked me up when it came to relationships and is a big part of why I'm single and childless at 40 because my baseline was so low and it led me directly into the path of abusive men. I've noticed that friends who had great relationships with their dads, and dads who were respectfully physically affectionate and openly loving towards them settled into much healthier relationships at a young age than women like me. My mothers dad was similarly unaffectionate and would have rejected her request for morning cuddles and attempted to sexualise it/call it inappropriate. She ended up pregnant in her teens to a man in his 40s who basically targetted and groomed her and she always says she never wanted sex with him,
she just wanted a father figure and she'd never known her dad to put his arms around her.

So I see what you're describing as a good and healthy thing, not anything perverse or creepy.

Let the cuddles continue as long as she wants them. She's most likely going to have far better relationship standards than I ever did.

Edited

So sorry you've had such bad experiences but thanks so much for the helpful insight. My father is not cuddly at all -very stereotypically English -so that's how I grew up and probably the prism through which I see things. Thank you for explaining how being warm can lead to a healthier dynamic.

OP posts:
BunniesRUs · 03/03/2024 10:19

10 is little. She will grow out if it very soon. It will naturally be obvious when it not OK. Don't worry about it. I cuddle with my preteen boy - he is so warm and cuddly but I make sure obviously we are clothed, don't accidentally touch privates etc. It's fine.

purplejeanie · 03/03/2024 10:19

TinaYouFatLard · 03/03/2024 08:51

It’s not inappropriate at all. My DS is just turned 13 and I still wake him up for school by getting in his bed and cuddling him. This won’t be for much longer. He’s still pretty much a little boy but once puberty hits we’ll both naturally change. His brother is two years older and I will knock very loudly before slowly opening the door to his bedroom!

You mention a poor relationship with your DH. Is he withholding affection from you?

He's withholding affection a bit but we just aren't really in an affectionate place at the moment because our marriage isn't great. So it's not really a case of me asking for it and getting rejected. But I am aware that I need to be really careful not to transfer any feelings about that into how I feel about him cuddling her.

OP posts:
Bubbhye · 03/03/2024 10:22

This is so sad.

A little girl can't even have a cuddle in the morning with her dad without her own mother sexualising it. Are you jealous? You say you don't have a good relationship with him, are you projecting because he doesn't give you the attention you want from him?

purplejeanie · 03/03/2024 10:25

Bubbhye · 03/03/2024 10:22

This is so sad.

A little girl can't even have a cuddle in the morning with her dad without her own mother sexualising it. Are you jealous? You say you don't have a good relationship with him, are you projecting because he doesn't give you the attention you want from him?

I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion. She can and is having cuddles and I'm not sexualising it. I was just looking for other people's perspectives.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/03/2024 10:29

I think this is sadly about how he is treating you and your own feelings of being unloved.
I expect you would love your husband to be more affectionate and cuddly with you, but he isn't.
Your daughter isn't your rival for your husband's affection. It's a completely separate issue, but I do kinda relate because my DD has always been super close to her dad, and there's been times when our relationship has been not as good, I've felt like they were the unit and I was the outsider.
I think I would try and work out what's going on between you and your husband, but also try and spend more quality time with your daughter.

Autumnfaith · 03/03/2024 10:32

I think it’s fine. My 14 year old and 12 year old came into our bed this morning for cuddles and a chat.
We are finding that the evening/bedtime cuddles in our teenage daughters room are when she feels the most comfortable talking to us about her day and verbalises any stresses that she’s feeling.
To be honest it hadn't even entered my head that cuddling our daughters in their beds was inappropriate. They are very vocal when they don’t want us in their rooms and we respect that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread