How would you navigate this situation?

[MagicMaha]

My sister is expecting a baby.

Both her and her husband were married before, both one kid each from past marriage. This would be first baby together.

They are arguing all the time about childcare arrangements. Both work in good jobs. He recently managed to work his way up to a promotion, so earns a good bit more.

Basically, she wants to stay at home, at least for the first year. He wants to equally share childcare and work outside the home - I.e. both work part time on different days of the week and equally divide the days at home with the baby.

He intends to take 3 months off unpaid after baby is born (he saved money for this) so he can bond with his newborn.

So she says that 1) since he earns more it makes more sense financially for her to be at home since he earns more and 2) it’s better for babies to be with their mum instead of dad when they’re so young.

He says 1) if he is forced to stay at work and miss time with his baby because he earns more, he is basically being penalised for being successful in his career and 2) it is sexist to say that a dad is not equally capable of looking after a baby

With her previous baby, she was a SAHM, but her exhusband wasn’t such a child person didn’t really care about being at home so was happy to stay at work. In fact he was the opposite, rarely did anything at home.

With his previous baby, he had this shared work/childcare system with his ex wife which he loved. So he wants that again. And to give him credit, he is an excellent father to his son. He remains completely and equally involved in his son’s life since his divorce.

Money wise they would be better off if he stayed at work, but would still manage well if they both worked part time. And he sees the reduction in their lifestyle as a worthy trade for having time with his baby.

What advice would you give to him or her?

They should have worked this out before they conceived

But he sounds a great father and she sounds unfair. She basically wants to be funded to be at home and deny him equal opportunities to raise their child.

The advice I would give to you would be, stay out of it.

To be honest, she feels horrible feeling this way. She knows so many other women would love to have a partner who wants to be so involved.

What other women might want is by the by- he has a right to raise his child as much as she does. Farming him out to FT work whilst the baby is little because it suits her for him to earn more and allow her to be a SAHM is just wrong.

I think it’s more to do with the fact that she wants to always be with her baby as she was with her first

As long as with what ever arrangement they come to all bills and expenses are covered each parent should be able to take as much time with the child as they want and feel able to do.

A colleague and his partner both work 4 days a week with son in child care 3 days a week. A couple I'm friends with have one mum doing 3 days a week and the other 4 days a week baby in child care 2 days a week. I do 4 days a week not to spend time with my daughter although I do enjoy that but because of my mental health I can't work more than 2 days at a time. My partner would love to also do 4 days but the nature of his work would meant that we would have the same commitments and responsibility but over less hours and for less pay.

As long as the sums add up at the end of the month. I would be encouraging a solution where each parent is happy with their time with baby