Refused access / neglect Help!

[DaisyJones6]

Following on from this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5017370-opinions-on-this-please-9-mo-feeding-nutrition?reply=133357887

My son’s ex partner is now refusing him access to their 8 month old baby. He’s worried as she’s not being properly looked after with her Mum too - very poor nutrition, fed rubbish, baby is extremely overweight (8 months old and weighs 15.1kg)

Given ultra processed food, along with constant milk, constant fruit juice in a bottle - she’s severely constipated and cannot even roll over yet. Drugs are grown at the house and they smoke cigarettes in the house also, even though the baby has had respiratory issues and has a nebuliser.

We just don’t know what to do first. People have mentioned social services to us, due to neglect and being “at risk” … others have said mediation for access, but if we choose that route, what happens about social services and the neglect?

We are at the very start of this journey and really would appreciate some advice if anyone has any.

She has refused access due to him saying she needs her milk cut down and that he questioned the baby’s weight.

Thank you.

Social services.
And mediation for access.

Hmm.

If you go down the social services and neglect route then realistically he has burnt all chances of a decent relationship with her.
If social services do go out and speak to her the chances are she would be offered early help and her needs for support assessed.

www.lancashire.gov.uk/practitioners/supporting-children-and-families/early-help-assessment/

You have not described anything which is sufficiently bad to justify anything beyond that - the baby is fed, presumably has clothes. SS will not care about smoking, they may care about drugs but only insofar as it impacts mum's ability to look after the baby.

@Octavia64 Thank you. Is the weight and her diet not a worry though?

He has parental rights and needs to use these to protect the baby. Has a recourse under private law for contact. Can seek health advice himself for the baby.
needs to speak to a lawyer to get that started (yes it might be mediation first). But he also needs to report the neglect he will be asked to justify himself as he’s the one with parental responsibility along with mum.

So a report to SWS and application for contact building up to shared residence.

It's not social services he needs it's court. Mediation is the first step.

Yes. It is a concern.

But SS get a lot of referrals.
They correctly focus their resources on dealing with severe cases.

Neglect in general might look like someone not feeding their baby at all. It might look like someone not taking their baby to hospital when they have fallen off the changing table.

You mention the baby has a nebuliser so they are clearly receiving healthcare. They are being fed. You are unhappy with what they are being fed but the baby is not hungry or thirsty.

Basically this is a second level concern. SS might offer help to the mum if she wants to take it up, but there is nothing here that indicates they would intervene and force her to accept help.

@Octavia64 Thank you so much for your response. I do completely understand.

So our course of action needs to be mediation.

@Octavia64 Just been reading about mediation, and have contacted a local firm.

Do you know much about refusal reasons at all? I think that his ex partner may refuse due to suffering with some social anxiety/low level depression.

How do you know what the baby weighs/ is being fed etc if he’s 350 miles away and hardly sees her? If you seriously think baby is being neglected I think your only option is social services and anything else is a lower concern currently. Him having access won’t improve neglect if she’s will with the other parent?

15.1kgs is the same (slightly more) than my nearly 4 year old DTs weigh. I would report to ss but be aware that it will obviously make relations worse.

No, sorry.

Not my field.

If she refuses he can go straight to applying to court. It doesn't matter what her reasons are.

The weight charts for the first 12 months only go up to 14 kg.

Are you sure that you are being given reliable information?

Is your DS on the birth certificate?

@CadyEastman I weighed her myself when I last saw her. @BungleandGeorge This is what we were told by the mother that she eats in a day.

Yes he is on the birth certificate.

I weighed her myself when I last saw her. Are you absolutely sure that you weighed her correctly? I'm not doubting you but it's can be hard to weigh a wriggly baby.

I know that our DD was weighed at the HV clinic at roughly the same age and they got it completely wrong.

So if he's on the birth certificate is he going to full custody because of his concerns for her safety?

How come his Dd is so far away. Did he move away or did his ex?

If the baby is

@CadyEastman She wasn’t wriggling she stayed very still for us. She is that heavy that I can’t actually lift her, my husband can but says she’s extremely heavy.

My son moved away to set up home for them here as he had a full-time job to start (employment not great where they are, he was only working part-time) she was going to follow with he baby once he had the home set up for them, and then said she wasn’t coming down. They agreed that she would come down for a few weeks and then go back for a few weeks and see how she felt after that. She then said that she didn’t want to do that either. About a week later she ended the relationship, not giving a specific reason particularly.

Courts like to offer 50/50 if he's not going for full custody, how is he proposing to make shared custody work if he's moved so far away?

Not being horrible, these are things he needs to consider before applying for mediation or a Child Arrangements Order.

@CadyEastman Thank you for your reply. We really do want to do things properly and the right way. It’s just such a shame that it has come to this. He is trying to keep the lines of communication open between them, but it is hard.

We obviously have a lot to discuss with him before mediation.

At the moment all he has asked for is a week over the Easter period, and been told no. He wouldn’t take her away from her Mum for full custody, he just wants to see his daughter.

The Mum might be reluctant to let her go to your DS for overnights due to how young she is and how much she's seen your DS.

Could your DS offer to go and stay near to them and have her for the daytime, returning her say at 6 pm so that her Mum can have a cuddle with her and put her to bed?

Having a week every few months isn’t really appropriate access for a young baby. I imagine they’d be quite distressed and confused even if not outwardly showing it.
I can’t really see how any access is going to work from 350 miles away. What sort of access is he after?

At 8 months she is very young to be away from her mum for a week. I think the mum was right to refuse. Your ds should start by doing a few hours at a time to get to know his baby and then build it up.

I understand that. The last time he saw her was last weekend, she allowed her to come down and stay Friday to Monday.
DS is learning to drive, so it makes things difficult really - they are both only young, him 20 and her 21.
But yes I’m sure he could get a train there and stay, see her during the day etc. It’s an option to suggest.

Look up MIAM - this is mediation which should be attempted in all but exceptional cases before making a Court application. The mediator will sign a form to say mediation has taken place/ been attempted for your son to include with the C100 application form. Even if the mother refuses to attend the mediator will state this but at least your son has done his duty by trying. The C100 form includes questions regarding the child's welfare so he can state all concerns he has. The Court can order a report from social services if deemed necessary

@ragdoll12345 Thank you.