What is a single Dad / Mum?

[CoparentingDad]

For context, I have my kids 45% of the time, from Friday to Monday EOW plus 1 night in the week plus holidays, but I would never consider myself to be a single Dad.

My exDW describes herself as a single Mum which I don’t have an issue with as she has the kids the majority of the time and mainly during term time which is clearly more structured than holidays / weekends.

That said, her being a single Mum is very different to some of the horror stories I’ve read on here when the Dad just disappears and leaves the Mum to do 100% of everything.

Are all single Mum’s considered equal?

Anyway, I’d appreciate a female view of this.

The reason I ask is that recently 3 male acquaintances have been posting on social media how difficult it is to be a “single Dad” and giving tips on how to deal with the kids.

2 of these Dad’s have their kids from Friday to Sunday plus some holidays but no midweek nights, so less than me, and one has 50/50.

You could argue the 50/50 is a single Dad maybe, but the others are not single Dad’s in my opinion

What are your thoughts?

A single Mum/Dad to me is Mum or Dad who is single (ie. without a significant partner).

No but there’s single parents and lone parents, I call myself a lone parent as my ex isn’t involved at all and doesn’t see our children not at all not even every other weekend which is not the same (want to clarify that as someone told me their ex also doesn’t see their child at all either only eow 😏) so I don’t call myself a single parent I say lone parent.

I think there's a difference between a single parent, a parent not in a relationship, and a lone parent, someone doing it entirely without parenting support from either a current partner or the child's other parent. Quite often single mum in particular is just used as a catch all, often a derogatory one

Some people use the phase single and solo different these days.

A single mum or single parent to me is where there is only one parent present in the child's life.

In your case you are co- parenting albeit not fully equally. You do less of the school day to day stuff and more of the fun stuff. So she might mean it that way.

I considered myself a single mum. My kids’ dad was in their life, every other Saturday for six hours. He made no financial or physical contribution, wouldn’t help out if they were sick, etc. I was the only ‘parent’.

Interesting nuance between single & lone Mum's which I get - thanks for that context

I have a DW but she is from another country with a diffrent view on how children should be brought up, so she has zero involvement in parenting.

On sickness, the school have my number and call me if they can't get hold of exDW, but in fairness my kids are rarely ill, so it's a non issue.

I provide financially to the tune of over £3k a month so I'd like to think that is more than enough, although I still get asked to pay towards school trips etc.

I've also home schooled my DS when he was excluded from his old school due to SEN.

I still wouldn't class myself as a lone / single Dad.

@Menomeno yeah I'd agree with that too. He wasn't really parenting was he.

The relationship status of the parent has no relevance to me. It's about who is providing regular unpaid care for the child.

You are a single parent if there is no other parent involved.

You can be a single parent and in a relationship with a non parent

You are co-parenting if you share equal care of the child.

You can be co-parenting and in a relationship with a non parent.

If one parent isn't providing equal care though though I'd prob still on the fence of being a single parent.

Personally, if I met a man on a dating site and he said he was a single dad with 45% care I'd agree that he was a single dad.

Men I've met OLD who have said they are single dads, and then told me they see their DC for a few hours per week... they aren't single dads.

A single parent, imo, is a parent who parents close to 50% of the time, or more and isn't in a relationship. If they are in a new relationship (by new I mean not with the other parent) then they aren't technically a single parent in my eyes. But I absolutely recognise that they still have a lot of the single parent issues to navigate.

@Terfosaurus I think the type of man that would claim to be a single dad because he has the kids for a few hours here and there probably believes the title makes him more attractive to women 🙄

Yep! For me it instantly removed them from the potential dating pool.

I always used to try to use the term 'unsupported parent' when I was a lone mum of five, because I had no input from their dad at all - financial or practical and he only saw them once a year - and no family or other help either. So it was all down to me.

Surely by telling you they are a single dad they are just letting you know they have a child? Or should they not declare it as they don’t see them often? Sure some women would be mad at them not declaring it either

No it was always done as a "oh I understand how hard it is to be a single parent because I'm one too" when in actual fact they have no idea.

Ah the way you posted it made it sound like they were just letting you know, my ex doesn’t tell women he is a father because he doesn’t see the kids and I don’t think that’s right either. (He admitted to me he doesn’t tell women)

Lying about having kids is also wrong.
"I have children but they live with their mum and I see them xyz" would be what I'd expect them to say.

I'm single parent and sole carer - DD hasn't seen her dad for a fair few years now (this is actually a good thing - he has problems with drink, drugs and violence). I think single parent covers a whole range of people from my ex to someone with sole care. You don't stop being a parent, even if you stop parenting.

This is my point about Dad's claiming to be Single Dad's when really they are not (in my opinion)

It seems more and more Dad's claim they are, hence the original question

For me, as you have almost 50/50 care then you are as much a single parent as the mum. But l have found, over years of single parenting, that everyone defines it differently.

Tbh, I know she technically has them the majority of the time, but if you have them 45% it’s not much of a majority. In my books you share parenting almost equally. So I’d use “co-parent” like your handle.

I'm a single mum, my 2 have not seen their dad in 10 years.

Imo, a single parent is a parent who is single.

A lone parent has no input from the other parent.