How do I find time for me?

[SaraS12]

Hi everyone,

How do you balance taking care of your children and pursuing your own personal hobbies/interests?

What's your go-to self-care routine and how do you make time for yourself amidst a never ending schedule?

I’m really struggling to fine any time for me and I’m just getting lost and overwhelmed.

How old are your children

Do you have a husband / dad living with you ?

At various stages of my life I

1. had time when someone else could look after dd
2. had time every other weekend when she went to her dads
3. took time eg for a run when she was in an activity
4. worked slightly less hours so I could get to the gym a couple of mornings before work
5. did things for me that we could do together - we had a phase of sone dance exercise thing on the Wii for example , when we went on holiday we took turns choosing - she would walk with me if she got her choice the next day

How old are your kids? Pre school it was hard to find the time/energy/money. Mine are 13 and 10 now and I have in the last year started getting out the house more for just me, joined a sports team, go to yoga, I am out the house 4 days a week now (only for 1-2 hours, youngest is in bed for much of that and eldest at his own time consuming extra curricular!) tend to reserve weekends for family time. Could have done it way before then though, it was just the point in my life when I was ready, biggest change was a new job that doesn't leave me me mentally drained in the evening and as I WFH I am happy to get out in the evening.

I'm guessing from the question you don't have the other parent contributing 50/50 to your children's upbringing? For whatever reason.

So in that case, I would swap childcare with friends. Sally and sue come to yours for a play date on Tuesday and your friend goes out, and then she reciprocated.

I remember now when the dc were preschoolers, us sahms did it in 3s.

So, I would host on a Monday. 2 friends plus their dc would come round. 2 of us would stay home with all the dc, and the one remaining mum would go out for a few hours and do whatever she wanted. And the 2 at home had company.
We'd all host once, every week, giving each of us a few hours free.

How old are your children? Because if they are really young it's impossible to find time, in my experience.

Hello

Thanks for the messages. I have two kids, a 4-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son.

My husband is a management consultant so he’s often away during the week so it’s all on me. He does pick up the slack at the weekend - and gets to do the more fun activities with the kids - but still doesn’t leave much time for me.

Yeah, more time at the gym would be great, but I find it hard to get motivated when I’m so tired and have to stick to the children’s timetable.

For me it looks like this (sahm, great dh but zero family nearby and kids 5 and 2)

-running twice a week

-ten min cuppa while youngest naps and eldest either at school or on a screen

-cuppa and book in the evening when kids in bed

• every Sunday evening I do a face mask, nails, exfoliation and chocolate!

These things don't always happen and it's not easy but i do try.

Agreed, unfortunately. It is hard, but it isn’t forever. DS is 3 and thinks are a lot less intense but I had another baby when he was two and a half, so once he’s four she’ll be eighteen months and she will start 😅

What happens at the weekend when dh is home? Is he taking the kids a day so you can have a day to yourself?

Are you working too OP?

I might get an hour or so where I can go to the gym or have a soak in the bath, but I’m still on the go fixing meals, washing etc.

Don’t get me wrong he’s a good Dad, it’s just that I need more me time and I just don't know how to find it

Depending on the hours of childcare/school you have and the hours you yourself work/study, the answer will vary - what’s your situation atm? I’m assuming 4yo isn’t in school and you’re not a SAHP, but it makes a big difference if you have a nursery open 8-6 versus school hours only, etc.

I have done various things to find time to myself (our kids are younger) from compressing my hours so I have a few hours a week to myself, to getting a babysitter when DH works away so I can go to gym or see a friend.

What is your bar op on what a good dad is? For some people, that would be simply 'helping out' by playing with the dc whilst you get on with dinner. Others might expect and get an absolute 50/50 responsibility of a weekend - ie a good dad means being perfectly capable of making dinner and doing laundry at the same time as looking after children, I'm sure as you do in the week. So that you going out for an entire day occasionally, is absolutely fine. Same as it would be for him. Others would go a step further and think a good dad only applies if he takes on the vast majority of child care and mental load for it of a weekend since you do it solo 5 days of 7.

You simply aren't providing enough info. Are you SAHM? What childcare options do you use?

If you are working, I would.suggwst you get more help at home so that on weekends there are no chores besides meals and children. If you are working all week and then still having to fo the cleaning and washing on weekends, it's relentless.

If you are a sahm, consider a babysitter or similar for a few hours noe and again.

Most importantly though is tour dh stepping up. Him taking the dc to a fun 1 hour activity is not enough. He needs to be out of the house with them for at least half a day or you leave him at home with them while you go out. Not an hour. That's pointless.

Lower your standards.

Outsource- cleaner/ready meal/ laundrette.

Timetable your own time. Every Tuesday night have a bubble bath, each parent get a 10am 'lie in' to spend the morning how they wish e.g sleeping, reading, gyming.

Yes, nursery helps, but I also work part time. Maybe a nanny would help, but I’ve always tried to do everything myself and would find it hard to give up. I need to work on that.

If you work part time and have a 4 year old presumably you're about to get much more spare time on your hands when they start school? So if you're struggling right now, maybe plan for September onwards and set some good intentions.

What hours do you do each week? Is it not more that it just all falls to you during the week as your dh works away?

My hobby time is during school hours - that's when I go to the gym, go to creative classes, exhibitions and places to visit. I didn't have that time before dcs started school so everything was focused on the dcs, but I knew I'd continue to be a sahm during the school years so that made it easier. I don't have any time during weekends or evenings though. In school holidays the dcs go to clubs as they can try out new sports or hobbies so I still get a break then, but it's often just a morning or a short day.

DH is very hands-on but our family time is valuable to me, so even before the dcs were in school I preferred to spend his non-working time doing family activities as a family of 4, than leaving him with the dcs and having time to myself.

I know it will all change when toddler goes to school (although we're planning another so that will reset the clock to baby days again!)

But for now I do fitness hobbies that involve him. We go swimming as a family and I get my lengths in while he's splashing about with dad. I also take him on bike rides.

For time to myself I go out some evenings with friends for a meal or few drinks and a catch up. My mum babysits sometimes so that my husband and I can go to the cinema. I'm a homebody though so I'm happy with a bath and a night in front of the telly. We have a strict bedtime of 6pm so that we get plenty of time to ourselves in the evening. Every few months I have a night away at a local spa hotel.