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Original poster

Worried I haven't interacted with my baby enough

17 replies

Galaxy1989 · 29/02/2024 22:51

Hi
My baby is 11 months old.
Not long after I found out I was pregnant, my mum passed away. We was really close and it's been so difficult.
I haven't been me since she died. I've lost my get up and go, I don't look forward to anything, I just go day to day doing what is needed.
I have three children, a teenager, a 6 year old and my 11 month old.
I absolutely adore my kids and they never go without anything and all their needs are met.
But I have had a sudden realisation lately that my grieving has probably affected my babys development.
I really struggled to bond with her for a few months, she felt like someone else's baby and I just felt numb. I thought she was beautiful and lovely and I loved her but it felt more like I loved her as a niece.
I've realised I haven't played with her much, sung with her, etc. She has a lot of toys and she loves to play independently anyway but I should have been playing with her lots.
I do speak to her obviously but I realised we did often just sit in quiet because of how I feel inside. I would just put the TV on for her and then sit down because I didn't have any energy to do anything else.
She's such a happy baby but I always feel she prefers other people over me. She doesn't show any preference to me much. My husband says she does but I don't see it.
I did go to a baby group when she was about 6 weeks old and I went for about 2 months but then I stopped because I find it hard to socialise. I've been like that since my mum died. Even seeing friends feels like a chore that I just force myself to do.
I am on antidepressants and I've had bereavement counselling and I'm now having cbt for ptsd (due to my mums death)
I'm really making an effort now to play with my baby and I've been keeping the TV off and getting on the floor and playing with her and talking to her lots.
I just feel awful because I think I've affected her development. She doesn't point, she has started waving occasionally, she is trying to clap but she doesn't say any actual words yet. She does babble but not constantly.
She took her first steps recently so I'm not worried about physical development.
My 6 year old has learning disabilities so his speech is very delayed but I'm sure my teenager was saying words by now?

Sorry for such a long post, I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, my mum is the one I would have gone to with any worries. I've mentioned it to my husband but he says I'm being silly.
I have so much guilt xx

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 29/02/2024 22:57

She is just 11 months.
She is walking. No need to worry about speech now but talk to your h v. And if your ds is under a paefiatrician ask for a check for your baby to put your mind at rest
Presumably your dh engages with her and does not have concerns?

Naptrappedmummy · 29/02/2024 23:00

My son is 11 months. My first child was much the same as you write here (I had PND, then covid lockdowns so lots of time inside with TV on and didn’t engage as much with her) and she is now a totally typical 4 year old with no issues. She did most of those things (pointing, saying words) after 1 though.

I’ve engaged loads with my son, we’ve had no TV time at all, and he isn’t saying any words yet either but babbles a lot. He claps, waved a few times but seems bored with it now, and has just started pointing over the last week or two.

Just keep engaging with her, reading to her and playing, but she sounds absolutely fine for now 😊

Elisheva · 29/02/2024 23:08

She would have got a lot of interaction and stimulation from her older siblings. And she’s a third child, they pretty much bring themselves up!
My first went to baby sign, baby music, was weighed weekly, went to a parent and baby group etc. My third pretty much went to Asda, school run, and watched her brothers doing clubs. And she’s grand.

32degrees · 29/02/2024 23:32

You poor thing.

First of all- well done you for surviving and continuing to care for your children during so much anguish and trauma. Give yourself so much credit for being able to put one foot in front of the other. So many would have collapsed.

You've done amazing.

Your baby will be fine.

Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 01/03/2024 23:07

cestlavielife · 29/02/2024 22:57

She is just 11 months.
She is walking. No need to worry about speech now but talk to your h v. And if your ds is under a paefiatrician ask for a check for your baby to put your mind at rest
Presumably your dh engages with her and does not have concerns?

Thank you for replying.
I don't think I can go through my sons peadiatrician, I think it would have to be a completely different referral for her. She has her one year check next month so I will speak to the health visitor.
My husband isn't concerned at all. He says we have interacted with her plenty xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 01/03/2024 23:08

Naptrappedmummy · 29/02/2024 23:00

My son is 11 months. My first child was much the same as you write here (I had PND, then covid lockdowns so lots of time inside with TV on and didn’t engage as much with her) and she is now a totally typical 4 year old with no issues. She did most of those things (pointing, saying words) after 1 though.

I’ve engaged loads with my son, we’ve had no TV time at all, and he isn’t saying any words yet either but babbles a lot. He claps, waved a few times but seems bored with it now, and has just started pointing over the last week or two.

Just keep engaging with her, reading to her and playing, but she sounds absolutely fine for now 😊

Thank you. That does make me feel a bit better. Maybe I am expecting too much from her xxx

OP posts:
stayathomer · 01/03/2024 23:08

There’s plenty of time, don’t worry and enjoy getting onto it x sorry about your mum x

Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 01/03/2024 23:11

Elisheva · 29/02/2024 23:08

She would have got a lot of interaction and stimulation from her older siblings. And she’s a third child, they pretty much bring themselves up!
My first went to baby sign, baby music, was weighed weekly, went to a parent and baby group etc. My third pretty much went to Asda, school run, and watched her brothers doing clubs. And she’s grand.

Thank you. She doesn't get a lot of talking and playing from her siblings though. Teenager loves her but is usually with friends or in his room. My 6 old is speech delayed and does take up a lot of my attention because of his needs. He loves his sister and she loves him, they more play alongside each other then with each other at the moment xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 01/03/2024 23:12

32degrees · 29/02/2024 23:32

You poor thing.

First of all- well done you for surviving and continuing to care for your children during so much anguish and trauma. Give yourself so much credit for being able to put one foot in front of the other. So many would have collapsed.

You've done amazing.

Your baby will be fine.

Thank you for your lovely words. You have made me feel a bit better. It has been very hard xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 01/03/2024 23:12

stayathomer · 01/03/2024 23:08

There’s plenty of time, don’t worry and enjoy getting onto it x sorry about your mum x

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 01/03/2024 23:32

I can't remember about clapping and pointing but both my kids got their first word only around 11 months. And neither had any more for another month or so after that.

No words at 11 months is completely normal, the important thing is she's babbling which you say she is. The words will likely start to follow within the next few months.

Lovely to hear she's walking too, kids are all different. I said both mine had one word at 11 months but conversely neither of mine could walk then! So it's all swings and roundabouts.

Sorry for the loss of your mum. Im sure she would be really proud of you though how you have accessed the support you need and kept pushing on for your kids. All the best.

Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 02/03/2024 00:54

WeightoftheWorld · 01/03/2024 23:32

I can't remember about clapping and pointing but both my kids got their first word only around 11 months. And neither had any more for another month or so after that.

No words at 11 months is completely normal, the important thing is she's babbling which you say she is. The words will likely start to follow within the next few months.

Lovely to hear she's walking too, kids are all different. I said both mine had one word at 11 months but conversely neither of mine could walk then! So it's all swings and roundabouts.

Sorry for the loss of your mum. Im sure she would be really proud of you though how you have accessed the support you need and kept pushing on for your kids. All the best.

Thank you so much. I think I am expecting too much and probably because of my guilt because I feel I haven't spent as much time talking to her and stuff.
I said she isn't connected to me but then today I noticed because we were round people she doesn't see often, she kept coming to me for cuddles and it made me so happy xxx

OP posts:
JosieB68 · 02/03/2024 01:29

Don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure your little one adores you more than you know. See what her HV says at your yearly check up about development.

you’ve been in survival mode and hopefully now you can go from survival to thriving with the help from the counselling.
If you can maybe try another class with her, maybe something like swimming where there’s less focus on socialising.
One day your daughter is going to love you as much as you clearly loved your mum. Big hugs x

Original poster
Galaxy1989 · 03/03/2024 22:49

JosieB68 · 02/03/2024 01:29

Don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure your little one adores you more than you know. See what her HV says at your yearly check up about development.

you’ve been in survival mode and hopefully now you can go from survival to thriving with the help from the counselling.
If you can maybe try another class with her, maybe something like swimming where there’s less focus on socialising.
One day your daughter is going to love you as much as you clearly loved your mum. Big hugs x

Thank you so much.
I'm definitely going to look into doing something else with my baby, I think it will help both of us xxx

OP posts:
Superscientist · 04/03/2024 12:45

I had severe treatment resistant depression and psychosis when I had my daughter and I don't remember much of her first year. We were both in survival mode and she got whatever scraps on energy I could give her which often wasn't a lot.
My HV did a referral to the infant parenting service and through that I had vig therapy to help my bond with my daughter. It was the best thing I had for my pnd. It involves being filmed playing and whilst that happens you have a chat with the psychologist. The following week she brought several 5 seconds clips which answer questions we set out in advance such as does she like me or does she enjoy being played with by me.

I'm also about to start counselling with my HV focusing on life as a mum and coping with my mental health and my daughters reflux and allergies. It's a new things and I will be the first mum she has done it with. I would approach your HV to see what is available in your area.

My daughter is now 3.5 and she is wonderful. From 16 months I have had a day off a week, it's for my wellbeing but it means we get a day at toddler/preschool pace with minimal chores. She doesn't know that I struggled so much when a baby. I didn't believe she was real for months and months and after that she wasn't mine just a baby I was being forced to look after despite how torturous it was. You wouldn't know that now.

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/03/2024 12:49

You’ve had a very tough time

your dd is going to be just fine.

my ds2 shows a clear “preference” for me and it’s really annoying tbh! And he didn’t talk until he was three.

Islandermummy · 04/03/2024 18:28

You are a loving mum. The fact you are worrying about this only underlines that.

Our DD wasn't speaking at one year. Your baby has had loads of one-on-one time with you, and cuddles. Loads of childcare books say it's great to just let the child get on and play : you don't need to play "with" them.

You're doing great. And it's not too late to change anything (as you're doing). You can start introducing a bit more "fun" when you can manage it.

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