Grandparent help

[Mummykittykat]

I am unsure in what to do in this situation… I have 3 children. My in laws used to take out my 2 oldest fairly regularly on their own but this has got less and less since my niece born. In laws spend all time talking about niece. They never contact us to ask after our children not initiate any visits. MIL looks after niece several days a week and sometimes over the weekend. I understand she is probably very tired after this.

However it has been near 10 months since they took out my children. My oldest has started to notice this and that they appear to favour niece and always have her. This child no longer wants to see them.

my youngest is only a baby and in laws shown little interest in her or taken her out in her life. Middle child is still young enough not to notice other than we see them less. I am unsure what I do about this? None of my children talk about them anymore or ask to see them. In-laws also promised children several times they would come take them out and they haven’t.

I understand niece will have closer relationship with in-laws than my children by the fact they look after her. That is fine. However it is bugging me now that my child sees such a difference in treatment. I think they are just happy getting their grandparent fix elsewhere and easier to see our family all together for birthdays, Christmas etc and not take out our children.

I am not sure what I do? Do I just leave it as is? Or do I speak with in-laws?

Do they see their DGPs at other times? Like you say they might simply be too tired to take yours out in their own.

I’d probably raise it with DGP. However, playing devils advocate, my brother has 3 and my mum has categorically told him she can’t take all 3 together because it would be too exhausting. It probably should have been discussed but sounds like she’s naturally progressed to caring for DN and caring for your children isn’t an option for her anymore. Maybe suggest some one on one time?

This is surely your dhs problem to sort? They are his parents. How much does he do for them?how invested has he been in their lives since his adulthood?

Is your DP around? It’s really his job to speak to his parents first.

We’re definitely in the situation where GP feel they get their fix with other GC.

Both my and DH siblings had children a long time ago and well before we did, 15+ years before. They were therefore given full childcare by GP, taken out all the time and in one case pretty much lived with them for about 10 years. They continue to support them financially now as young adults.

When our DC was born we were told in what felt like quite jokey terms at the outset that they couldn’t do the same for us as they’d already done their bit with other GC.

3 years on and we haven’t had any help or support whatsoever. Not a minutes childcare yet they are happy to still run around assisting other now adult GC. They also support them financially whereas our DC gets nothing from them.

We just accept it now as DC is nearly 3 and things will never change. It does mean that our DC has a very limited relationship with GP though and nothing like other GC have.

Just to clarify that we would never expect them to take all 3, more just the older 2 as they had relationship with them and even if they take those 2 we are talking couple of hours every couple months.

no point in partner speaking as they just fob him off and nothing changes. He gets on ok with his parents when he sees them but he never bothers really with anyone he is quite happy in his own company. That is not out of badness that’s just his personality.

Maybe that's just their personality then, happy in their own company.

But they were not like that previously used to take my children out a lot before my niece came along and they do loads with niece in terms of childcare and taking her out, sleepovers etc to be honest I am a bit done with it all, can’t make someone interested in something if they are not

I tried to speak to ils when in exactly the same situation many years ago.. I gave up in time. Backed away and took my dc with me...
Karma actually got ils during Covid. After their dd taking over their lives with her 6 dc for years... Free childcare and holidays provided.. That dd never called them up or enquired about them during the whole of the pandemic.. They were apparently deeply hurt.
Bit like me and their dgc were for all those years...

It’s a tough one.

My son commented that my mums house is like a shrine to my niece due to the sheer volume of photographs on the walls and on sideboards of her.
There is one of my son which I gave to her about 5 years ago.

She never asks about him, has never spent any time with him.
My niece was a permanent fixture at her house, holidays abroad, her own fully decorated and furnished room, piles and piles of presents at Christmas and birthdays.

Now my mum is older I take her shopping, she fills her trolley with gifts and stuff for my now grown up nieces kids. It’s Easter eggs at the moment for them.

Nothing for mine.
Fucking annoying.

I think what I mean is maybe they feel the effort isn't reciprocated. So they did loads for your older two in terms of essentially helping you out, and you've said yourself your husband doesn't bother with them. Maybe they're getting more reciprocation from your niece and her parent who is their child?

But that has been long standing the way my husband is, long before I met him. They have never expressed any annoyance at that.

Regardless of how my husband is I have always made effort birthdays, Christmas, special occasions, kept in touch via what’s app with photos of kids etc and initiate any contact we have with them.

I wouldn’t say they did loads in terms of “helping us out” but they used to see my older 2 fairly regularly. Yes it is my SIL child and they all see each other on a near daily basis and she uses them for on tap childcare.