Dad said he feels no bond

[makesmerealsad]

We have a two week old baby. Out of the blue last night dp said he doesn't feel a bond with the baby.
This has come from nowhere, dp is great and a hands on dad, so I would never of guessed he is feeling this way.
Obviously it came as a shock and really upset me so I burst into tears (which probably didn't help and made him feel worse about it)
This is our fourth child and dp has such an amazing bond with our 18 month old. He looks just like him and is a real daddy's boy.
Dp has made a couple of comments about how dd doesn't look like him, how he can't see himself in her and he said this again last night when he told me he is struggling to bond with her.

Afterwards he said it's just a silly thought and it'll pass, he said he probably just needs a couple more weeks, which may be true but he's never said this about any of our other kids, so why is he feeling this way about the new baby ?
He said maybe it's because it's still so early since having ds but I don't know.
Wondering if anyone has any words of advice for me because I'm struggling with this to be honest , it's making me feel so sad, I don't want him to feel like this about dd. When I said what do you mean you feel no bond, he said he just feels nothing, and he's sure he should feel more than he does 😔

I think he's probably just tired and overwhelmed as are you.

You have a newborn, a toddler, and two older kids. That's a lot!

I would just let it go. He'll get there. 💞

Gently, this is not about you. Some parents, including mother's, take a while to bond with their babies after birth and that can actually be a very scary place to be as we are not taught how completely normal or actually common that is; we are taught that you instantly fall in love beyond words with your baby. Don't make your DH feel badly about what is actually perfectly normal.
Baby is still only 2 weeks, that is incredibly young. I also imagine with 3 other kids, including one as young as only 18 months old your DH has been somewhat preoccupied with them more than being able to spend as much time with your baby this time around?
The bond will come in time. As long as he's making an effort to spend time with Baby when he can and he is caring for her properly, the bond will come so just reassure him that it's normal and let him get on without adding to his worry that there's something wrong with him; it won't help.

Yes you're right, and I know it can be normal I think it just came as a surprise to me because he's been so loving towards her and acting like he has with the others (which I know is a good thing) it just seemed to come out of nowhere, he said it while we were bathing her and I was like what do you mean ? And when he said he just feels nothing that's when I got upset.
It's the way he said she doesn't look like him, but they're not all going to look like him are they, that's not how genes work. She doesn't look like me either, I'm not sure who she looks like to be honest lol but babies change all the time don't they.

I hope it does pass. Yes our lives are very busy these days with the two little ones, I know I've had a 9 month head start on dp with building up a bond so maybe this time it will just take a little time for dp

I understand it was a shock OP. As others have said , this is about him not u.. He has been carrying this around with him.for a long time. He is probably glad that it is out in the open. I'm.sure it will come. When u are able make time u have a bit of time just as a couple if u don't already.

I didn’t feel much of a bond with my DS when he was born.. it grew gradually over a few weeks/ months. DH and I both felt the same.. like someone had just given us a baby to look after.

I’m in two minds about whether it’s good he feels he can discuss it with you openly, or actually he shouldn’t be burdening you with it at this point when you’ve got a two week old baby!

Also I only have one other DC, but with 4 in total I’m sure your DH is probably trying to prioritise the others to give you time with the baby so he is probably in a different headspace to you.

Not sure how a 2 week old baby can look like anyone other than a newborn to be honest 🤔
But I know what you mean and I completely sympathise.
It was insensitive at best.

Hi, not really sure how to put this but with my wife already picking up on some of the feelings I’m having and the fact I can see it’s effecting her I don’t feel I’m able to tell her the extend of how I feeling for fear of making things worse.

we have a newborn baby boy he’s now 9 days old. we also have a 5 year old girl. my bond with our little girl was instant and I never experienced any trouble bonding with her. I was so excited when I found out I was having a son and I really expected to have the same feelings for him as I did our little girl. But they are just not there infact I find myself almost resenting him at times. I don’t know if it’s because my partner is breast feeding this time where as she didn’t with our little girl and I felt a lot more involved or what it is but I just can’t seem to find those Same feelings I had for my little girl. I have no interest in him I don’t want to hold him and when I do I feel numb like there’s nothing there. Is there any other dads who have experienced these kind of feelings? will they pass? Why do I feel like this? It’s making me so depressed

I didn't feel a bond with my second for the first 3 weeks because he looked like an alien prune. After that I fell in love with him. It's great that he's mentioned it as hiding it or pretending it's not a thing would be way worse. Also it's great that he's being hands on.

I’m sorry OP that must feel upsetting. It’s probably really hard on you DH as well. Some men do suffer from a version of postpartum depression, worth going to your GP @Frosty29 if things don’t change. It might improve on its own, I think again it’s more common than people think but not often spoken about, I’m sure the bond will come in time.

It’s good he’s felt comfortable enough to talk to you about this. I think you should be reassuring him that this is normal. I loved my daughter but I definitely didn’t feel that overwhelming bond right away, it took time. With my DS I felt it right away. I love them both completely equally now. As long as he’s hands on and a loving father I’m sure it will come.

This might only be my experience but I also think sometimes the newborn stage is hard for dads, all they do is feed sleep and cry and a lot of the time they only want their mum sometimes dads can feel a bit like a spare part, in my experience fathers really come into their own when the baby is a bit more mobile and interactive and can take a little bit of rough play. No idea if it’s scientifically accurate but I seen somewhere that children get the biggest oxytocin boost from cuddling their mother and by playing with their father and that seems to make sense to me.