Breastfeeding - should I cut my losses or persevere?

[Strawberry06]

DS is one week old today and I have been attempting to BF.

When he was born he had jaundice and spent 48 hours under phototherapy. Because of this I had no choice but to top him up with formula after expressing to the staff how much I wanted to BF so we agreed we would try him at the breast first before the top up. He was incredibly sleepy and absolutely not interested in feeding.

Anyway we've only been out of hospital 2 days and I am struggling so bad.

I can manage to feed him during the day but I wonder if he's getting enough? At night he just screams and there's no way of settling him unless he sleeps on my chest. I fear he's still hungry.

I had a visit from a BF specialist today and she said his latch was good and that he wouldn't stay on as long as he does if he wasn't getting enough. But she also asked that when I was feeding him, was my other breast leaking which it wasn't and so I squeezed it and showed her the amount. She said at this stage it should be squirting out. She sorted out the hire of a pump for me and said I should express but I tried it and found it so painful. She said I should especially be doing it at 2am as this is the magic hour yet it's now 3am and the opportunity has passed as DS has been sleeping on me the past hour. I also squeezed my boob and barely anything came out. She also said I need to be waking him every 2 hours to feed which is time I feel I could be sleeping if he is, especially if he doesn't at night.

I'm wondering if those first few days in hospital where I couldn't feed him was when my milk came in has killed our bf journey before it began? Or considering I had a section, it's only starting to come in now?

For reference he was 8lb7 and when weighed on day 5 he's only lost 1% (by some miracle!)

But I've had absolutely no sleep the past two nights, my head feels like it's about to explode cause I have the worst headache and just feel like I can't go on like this.

My mum said there's no shame switching to formula and that I need to think of myself and ultimately what's best for DS. She herself didn't have enough milk, nor did my granny or my sister so I'm wondering if it's hereditary?

My friend who breastfed says not to lose hope and that I can do it if I want to. She says it's normal newborn behaviour however you feed.

DH has been brainwashed by the feeding class we attended where there was a huge emphasis on 'breast is best' and isn't impressed with spending money on formula but will support my decision as he knows how much I'm struggling.

I really just don't know what to do for the best. My head says put him on formula but my heart says don't give up. I'll feel like such a failure if I give up but equally I want to enjoy the newborn stage which currently I am not.

Rather than a worry about not doing it it may be that she just wants to do it? I did.

Some women feel guilty about potentially not doing it and almost need ‘permission’ to give up. Op is in tears from utter exhaustion.

If Op wants to continue then fine, but also fine for her to switch.

Congrats on the safe arrival of your baby and getting through the jaundice! It's normal to be completely exhausted in these early days and to have concerns about feeding (or a million other things!) but the fact is your baby's weight is good.

Breastfeeding or not is a very personal decision and I wouldn't want to try to convince you either way. However my advice like others is keep going a bit longer and see what you can achieve.

My current baby couldn't suck very well (apparently it can be a thing) and it was all very stressful however we got through it and I bet you can too. I personally really believe that almost everyone can have a great supply if they keep offering the baby and or expressing on the regular. I.e.: demand creates supply.

Best wishes!

My advice would be to give a bottle now and again, when you need a break. Reassures you that they have had a feed, you get some respite and rest, great to get baby used to a bottle from the start. It doesn't have to be all or nothing with bf. I had a supply of bottles and ready made and it hugely helped my confidence to know it was there and I could have a break. In reality I didn't use it often, but it was re-assuring and took the pressure of. Fed is best. Other things which helped, loads of water, eating oats, kind of giving in to the demands, great excuse to snuggle in with a box set and enjoy your baby. It seems so important at this stage but it's such a small part of your child's life, as long as they are fed and you are happy in a few years no one cares how they were fed.

Aw OP I really feel for you, the start is so so hard, I remember crying into my baby's head too.
My advice would be to not be worried about giving some formula, either to top up or as a standalone bottle so you can get a break. I was absolutely determined to EBF my first and I ended up in a right mess mentally and physically (partly due to terrible "support"). I think if I'd allowed myself to use formula here and there from earlier I might have been able to do both for much longer.
It's okay to bf and it's ok to formula feed, they're just different ways of feeding baby and both have advantages. But you will find a lot of people tell you to "just keep going" and "try for a bit longer" and it's all meant well but sometimes we need to stop or at least slow down with it and combi feed for our own mental health. The risk of your supply being affected won't mean much if you end up stopping because you're so exhausted anyway.

I had exactly the same situation as you with my second son, he was born early and was jaundice and needed phototherapy so our first 3 days were formula feeding to flush it out. But I did hand express a ml of colostrum/breast milk every hour day and night during that time to try and keep my supply going.
I failed at breastfeeding my first but that was more because I didn’t trust my gut, had no support and assumed that because he was crying he wasn’t getting enough milk. So second time round I had more confidence to just go with it.
Firstly I would ditch the pump. It’s just added pressure in the middle of the night and its going to leave you exhausted. Babies are much better at extracting milk than a pump is and as long as he is feeding overnight I don’t see the point of expressing on top of it all. But it is important that he feeds regularly through the night as that’s when the hormone for producing milk is at its highest and it will boost your supply.
If he has only lost 1% of weight so far then I would say you are doing amazing and if breastfeeding is really important to you, I would give it another week or so. I’ll be totally honest in that I don’t think I got into a proper comfortable feeding routine until about 10 weeks so you are very early days.

Ultimately though your mental health and how you are coping are the most important. There is a lot of pressure on women to breastfeed but a lack of support a lot of the time which can lead to feelings of guilt. A fed baby is best. I would just say that whatever decision you make, make it for the right reasons. I lived with the guilt of not being able to bf my first and I look at him now and there’s no difference between him and my second who was bf. Make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids, you sound dehydrated with headaches etc and try and get a nap through the day to catch up on sleep. Be kind to yourself, it’s a very hard journey x

Uuugggghhhhh "breast is best"!!!
I tried to BF my daughter for 6 weeks and it was the biggest struggle. After a couple of weeks she was part formula part BF and eventually I cut my losses and switched to solely formula - wish I had done it earlier. Formula did her absolutely no harm and we should never be shamed into thinking otherwise. You are no good exhausted and having to wake yourself at 2 am after feeding during the night and day, to me that sounds crazy. You have to care for yourself as much as your baby. Persever if you want to but honestly, from the sound of it, I think going to formula is a good choice xx

Breast feeding can be hard at first. I remember crying every time for the first few weeks but then it got easier and easier.
Fussing and crying is normal. It helps bf be established and your baby is brand new and has no other way to communicate with you.
The first few weeks with a newborn are hard but it does change quite quickly. Unfortunately the exhaustion is common too - keep your expectations low, sleep when you can and take all the help offered.
I couldn't pump for toffee and found it really uncomfortable. Also no leaking until milk really well established.
A top up of formula is not the end of the world but it doesn't actually sound like your baby needs it if he's maintaining weight. It sounds like, despite the tricky start for you both you're both doing really well. Try not to worry too much.

I was in a very similar position to you OP except my baby wouldn’t even latch! I agonised over feeding for a week, barely slept and got to the point I just cried and cried every time I thought about it. I had a baby who wouldn’t latch, I could barely
pump one bottle and yet I still somehow felt guilty and like I was choosing not to bother… Anyway, after a long walk and cry with my husband I switched to formula and haven’t looked back. My DD is thriving. I got to catch up on my sleep whilst DH did all feeds for a few days. Bottles are easy to prepare and truly saved my sanity. Of course, if you want to continue do, but if you’re looking for
permission to stop then you really can OP. You don’t need to feel guilty. In countries with access to clean water and safe environments to prepare formula, there are only small benefits to breastfeeding and these are seen at a population level. Your mental health, sanity and sleep are also very important. Please look after yourself.

Go to formula OP. Even reading some of these “breast is best” posts are infuriating and these attitudes are probably contributing to your feelings of failure if you don’t continue. You will not have failed, you don’t even need to try for even a second longer if you don’t want to. Formula is completely fine, babies thrive on it and you can share the load.

Anecdotally, to make you feel better, my friend works in pediatrics, very pro breastfeeding, helped numerous new mums and is also vegan so didn’t want to give formula at all. Recently she’s had her first baby and tried to BF for a couple of weeks but baby wasn’t gaining weight and after trying everything (and nearly having a breakdown) she’s now combi feeding her. She was convinced she would have no problems given her vast experience helping other mums but it just goes to show it’s not straight forward for everyone. Please don’t feel guilty or pressured to continue if it’s not what you want. You matter too.

It's difficult to advise as the right answer is different for everyone! Absolutely no shame in formula feeding or combi feeding to save your sanity though. These are some things that helped me.

I woke DC to feed after 3 hours (they often woke earlier anyway but that's when I set the alarm for) rather than 2 - if they are actually having lots of wet and dirty nappies and putting on weight there must be quite a bit going in so you might be safe to leave one 4 hour gap so you can sleep.

Also your DH should be taking baby more - if baby will only contact nap he needs to step up and hold them so you can sleep! Go to bed at 8 and stay there until midnight (at least!), DH can give baby a bottle. Your MH is important too, he needs to be supportive. This goes for whether you FF or BF.

I found a handsfree pump (pipetta) really useful as I can feed DD on one boob while pumping off the other, or even while DD was asleep on me (depending on position) - DH could then use this to bottle feed later. Although I didn't start using it until a few weeks in. DS also had a bottle of formula every evening anyway and I continued to BF him until he was 3.

But she also asked that when I was feeding him, was my other breast leaking which it wasn't and so I squeezed it and showed her the amount. She said at this stage it should be squirting out.
That's nonsense from her. Some women leak a lot, some don't. I hardly did and certainly not when feeding from the other side, just a little bit when sleeping.

As for expressing I could only get any decent amount if I fed from one side only overnight and pumped from the other the next morning.

Ahh OP you sound like you are having a rotten time.

Most of your worries are totally normal. If you don't want to BF, don't. You don't have to, formula is an acceptable substitute. Your BF consultant sounds a bit dim tho. If you want to do it, you're doing just fine. Ultimately you are not enjoying this probably because it's new, unknown and conflicting info makes it very hard when your babies welfare is so important.

The headache is very likely dehydration. Bleeding, feeding, and crying will do that to you. Lots of fluids and calming down will help that.

If baby has maintained his weight in the first week, you are doing well. Sleeping on you is normal. Cluster feeding is normal. Not being able to pump or hand express is normal. Nothing is as efficient as baby. Every 2 hours is not necc in babies who are gaining and have a good output - what are his nappies like? How many wet / dirty a day? I wouldn't wake him at night more than once. Very few women don't have enough milk, that's usually not the issue. Mostly it's women interpreting a baby who seems to feed a lot as not getting enough.

A simple haakaa pump on the other side during a feed can help collect enough for a top up without being too much hard work if it helps.

You are not a failure! Your baby, your choice. It's better to decide these things after a bit of sleep when the baby is not screeching than at the end of your tether and tired. Either way, he will be just fine.

Every time he is awake he is screaming, biting his hands, shaking his head side to side, mouth open, looking for the breast.

When/if I put him back to my breast he'll either refuse it completely or he'll go on but remain adjutated. I fear he's absolutely starving and probably thinks well a little bit is better than nothing.

Regarding the weight, up until early morning yesterday, he's been having 50ml top ups. These were after every feed but we gradually reduced them and he only had 1 on Monday and Tuesday. So the fact he's put on weight could well be down to that.

My daughter was on and off the breast and it was due to reflux and allergies. It started around 1 week and the 2 am feed she would root for a feed look at my breast scream latch for 2 seconds and arch her back and scream and repeat after about 10 minutes of this and cuddles she would calm and feed. Fast forward to 4 months this was all day she didn't feed for more than 5-10 seconds unless lying down so only really fed over night.

In the first week their communication is almost limited to I want something safe and nice, it feels nice when I was on the breast having a feed. Of that's not what I wanted pull off but it was nice yesterday so maybe I should try again go back on. Or I want a feed but oh that doesn't feel right - reflux, allergy, tongue tie, fast letdown, slow let down, poor latch, mouth too small, nipple shape, big breast, small breast, full moon, half moon, total eclipse. So many reasons that have nothing to do with hunger and some times it takes time to figure out what it is.
I know you are low on energy but I found it helpful to keep a note with each feed how it went. On the tracker I had it allowed to add a comment to each feed so I could see the patterns hopefully.

I ebf for 8 months, tried combifeeding from 2 months but couldn't get it to work and the formula fed from 10 months until 2. There was absolutely no difference. Breastfeeding has its pros and cons and formula has pros and cons. One isn't better than the other but they are different and for some the pros of one suits one mum better than another. The one time I found breastfeeding the hardest was when we didn't have a safe formula option for my daughter due to multiple allergies. Finding it difficult and my wellbeing was very poor and having no choice was detrimental to my mental health and I ended up in hospital due to it. I will tell you this. You have a choice how much or little you breastfeed. When it works it can be brilliant but it's not for every mum or every baby. If you have to introduce some formula for your sanity and wellbeing but breastfeeding most of the time do it. If you want to formula feed most of the time but keep some breastfeeding for now do that. If you want to switch fully to formula, do that. People only care about formula Vs breast until weaning and they the only care about ultra processed Vs organic. Someone will always find a stick to beat you with, focus on what is right for your family.

Good luck!

This sounds incredibly difficult OP.
It possibly sounds like baby is uncomfortable and it could be reflux/an intolerance to milk (CMPA?). My Dd2 had this and BF was very difficult and painful and she had colic in the evenings. Non stop screaming. Is hard to tell when they are so little as they are all 'normal' baby symptoms but perhaps more extreme?
If you think he's hungry then perhaps topping up is best for now. I BF both mine and wish wish wish I'd been able to combi feed as neither took a bottle and I felt so trapped and exhausted during the difficult times. So there are pros and cons to each option.
No one will judge you for going either way or both. Do whatever keeps your baby fed and your mental health intact.
Xx

The first 4-6 weeks are tough going and you are in the hardest bit just now.

You are tired, hormonal, recovering. If you want to persevere then just take it one day at a time.

It will be get a bit easier, then a bit more and then it will get easy.

He's only lost a tiny bit of weight and that will come back in the next week or too. As long as you are getting wet and dirty nappies and the weight goes back on then he's getting enough.

If you really need sleep then giving a bottle of formula doesn't mean you have to throw in the towel and give up breastfeeding.

It comes to yo what you want to do.

But so far it sounds like you are doing a great job and doing all the right things. And it sounds really normal.

What is his output like today and yesterday? Breastmilk is very quickly digested so if he's getting very little you won't see much in the way of wet or dirty nappies.

It's hard to say without seeing him but the constant hunger is very normal in these early stages because the more they suck, the more milk you make. So the baby is putting in orders as it were. If you really think he's hungry, add some top ups back in? Bedtime, midday, whenever you think he is hungriest, and see if that stops the constant feeding cues slightly? It is difficult because obvs every FF puts in one less 'order', but it sounds like it would save your sanity and if it does curtail most of the BF, it might not be the worst thing?