Why is this so hard

[gemini1990]

On Mat leave with a 9 month old and 3 year old.

I am getting next to no sleep due to teething and illness. Being bitten constantly by my baby who has this morning drawn blood from my nipple - ouch.

3 year old is non stop and so hyper.
Feel like I spend the whole day saying no, stop, don't do that, shouting, putting the 3 year old for time out, clearing up and failing, trying to keep the house tidy and failing, trying to get healthy food in to them and failing, wanting to play with them and not having enough time and failing.

I have two days childcare a week for the 3 year old but it doesn't feel enough. I spend the entirety of those days catching up on house work, trying to give the dog a good walk, food shopping, food prepping, putting washing away and trying to actually play with the baby or do a baby class.

I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel I can't get off of.

DH works long hours and outside of work does do his bit but he isn't around much to be honest. He has a long commute. He earns well and we have a cleaner once a week for a couple of hours.

I just feel like I am drowning.

Any tips on how to make this easier?

Sorry you're feeling like this @gemini1990 The only advice I can give you is that this is pretty normal, and you shouldn't worry that this is your life forever or that you're doing anything 'wrong.' Mine are 16 and 12 now, and you kind of just survive this bit and move on to other bits which can be just as challenging but in different ways. But it always works out. Hang in there!

Thanks @WinkyTinky

I look at other mums and they seem much calmer and like they are doing better than me 😭

So much so I don't feel I can even talk to anyone about this because I feel such a failure!

That sounds tough. I wonder if it's time to stop breastfeeding if you're getting bitten? DS seemed to spontaneously give up wanting to bf when he got to about 10 months, if it's making life more difficult then personally I'd stop, but it's up to you as I know some people find that very hard.

Don't look at the other mums!!! When I was in your position I never got out of the house before 2pm, hardly ever took my younger one to classes, and we're all fine! You are in no way a failure

This is going to be me in a few months time. I have a 2 year old and a 1 month old. At the moment I’m only just about keeping on top of things because the baby sleeps quite a lot. But I feel like I do nothing but run around cleaning / doing laundry / trying to shower when the baby is asleep and toddler is out. Can completely relate to hamster wheel.

I’m absolutely sure that everyone feels the same, so you don’t need to beat yourself up about that bit. Not sure I have much advice though, sorry 🙈

Up childcare if you can.

Always have a plan for the day/week, even if basic, so you feel more in control. Park Monday, stay and play Tuesday, feed ducks Wednesday etc.

Leave house by about 9-9.30 depending on baby naps and give 3yo a good run around somewhere.

Find a friend with kids similar ages and hang out.

Have a stash of emergency activities if you're losing your mind - sticker books, naff activity you got off the internet, etc etc

Get your dh to do more and also reduce your standards. Healthy meal can be jacket potato and baked beans, you don't need to be Delia.

Pay for help where you can eg dog walker. Stop anything unnecessary like ironing, cleaning more than you really need to.

These years are a higgle piggle, focus on trying to enjoy your kids instead of worrying about whether things are clean and look good to others.

And no one is calm 100% of the time!

To be honest I don't even have clear memories of mine at this stage but I think having loose routine and trying to get out somewhere everyday helped. I agree, up childcare to another day if possible.

I don't think this is useful advice (solutions to bf problems are not usually 'stop bf')

But biting might be a sign DC is bored, has had enough - I'd say 'no' sharply and put DC down, stop feeding at that point. Biting = end of feed.

I could have written exactly your post three years ago @gemini1990 ! I felt like I was failing constantly. I too was bf, toddler was challenging, my DP's job meant that he was never here (thats still the case now) and any days i had with childcare for my eldest felt like I was running around trying to frantically catch up.

I have no real advice other than to say you are not a failure - parenting 2 young children is bloody hard, especially when your partner isn't around much.

But it does get easier. My two are now 3 and 5. There are still really tough moments and I still feel like I'm constantly saying 'no' and 'stop!' but there are also times when I can relax, watch them playing together and realise I've not done such a bad job.

You will get there too.

When mine were this age, lockdowns started and I got put on furlough against my will, cd barely leave house if we wanted to - we did endless playing in garden (blanket, play tent, dinosaurs in tub of mud, water play etc) or going to woods and nature reserves, or playing with things like noodles in kitchen kind of helped. Disco light so we cd all dance with curtains closed and use up energy on rainy days.

Mainly what helped was having a plan to make one day different from the next. Having a bit of time to myself each day, even if only ten mins.

We also watched a lot of telly!

I would get a buggy board and a halti lead. One for the dog, one for the child (you choose which way round). That way dog has long walks and you can get child off/on board to give them exercise.

Don't be afraid to put 3yo in a play pen for 20 mins here or there's They've gone out of fashion but it'll stop the house getting trashed and give you time to sort things during the day.

All the above

Soft play soft play soft play. Get there early and stay there. Sit down with your littlest while the other one runs riot.

Free church groups - do the same you don't have to be religious to go

Go to the park whatever the weather and take a flask of tea/coffee and a little picnic and just sit down

Blow up lots of balloons and let your 3 year old go mad

Get the iPad on - it is what it is at this point

Use pastry playes and cutlery for a few days so you don't have to worry about washing up for a few days - yes the environment etc but just give yourself a break

Self care - lavender in every room, face masks etc

Make ice lol lites out of fruit and yoghurt that will keep your 3 year old calm for 5 minutes

Go out for the day as much as you can. Seriously it stoped the house being trashed so much. Make a healthy packed lunch and load the washing machine and just get out. Soft play was my best friend at those ages dd1 was exactly 3 when dd2 was born.

It was really hard but it got easier. My dds played together lovely when dd2 got a bit older and all through primary. Once your youngest can play it gets more fun I promise.

It’s not just you, it feels hard because it is hard. Extremely hard.

i remember being close to tears, sat on a freezing cold bench bf my 3 month old at the time with my toddler who was screaming at 9am in our local park. We’d been up since 5am haha. It does get easier, promise. I found going back to work helped me tremendously and having good nursery and a nice balance of me being at home with them. We still have extremely hard days though and they are 2 and 4 years.

lower your expectations, get out once a day - even to the shop/library and once bigger you can mix it up a bit more x

OP I only have one 3 year old (very lively indeed) and I totally resonate with your feelings. My DH works very long hours. I also have no dog, as it sounds like far too much work.

Can you get some extra days for the 3yo at nursery?
Can you find a class the 3yo can do where you can sit out with the baby? Mine does gymnastics for an hour and parents sit outside the window. It gives me a chance to breathe and read my Mumsnet emails.
Can you choose one morning a week where you have a pyjama party? No-one gets dressed and you have tv on and order in breakfast or something. Take the pressure off the day.
Can you get 3yo and baby out to the park somewhere safe where 3yo can run about and you can have a coffee most days?
Do you have friends you can meet up with baby and have tea and a chat?
Can you do a COOK order and fill your freezer with healthy meals so you don't have to cook everyday?

Sorry if my suggestions are rubbish. I've only got one but I'm alone most of the time and it's a struggle. Time will pass and it will get easier. In the meantime find all the shortcuts you can. Xx

It's a tough age gap, mine were similar and I coped by having DH around as he was between jobs, and having DC1 in nursery 5 days . If you can up your eldest nursery days it would make such a difference. She would do drop off classes in the afternoon so I wouldn't have to wrestle with both of them.

I liked getting out of the house as early as possible, the soft play near us used to open at 8am and we'd have it to ourselves most of the time. Keeps the house tidier if they're not at home.

I would batch cook after bedtime so I could cook without them being in the way, and it would just mean heating up at mealtimes.

It is hard work at this stage, so do not feel you are failing - you really are not alone.

Three things I would suggest:

• let the tidiness go - it really does not matter. A home with young children cannot by definition be tidy, nor should it be.
• remember that for your 3 year old your daily activities are play. Involve her/him in what you are doing - count the socks into the washing machine, see whose are the biggest, wash potatoes in the sink, mop the floor, get nappies for the baby - everything will get done much slower, but your child will be entertained, engaged, involved. You do not have to find something to keep him/her quiet while you do stuff - he/she needs to do it with you.
• forget about other mothers! I am willing to bet that to the other mothers/parents dropping off at day care they think you are doing fine! - just as you think they are.

I would echo many others on getting out and getting the three year old active. For us, it made the rest of the day go much better. Would the three year old ride a scooter or bike (balance or pedal) far enough and safely enough to give the dog a decent walk sometimes?

We also ran errands on foot (or bike/scooter, once DD1 could be trusted to ride appropriately in crowded areas, lock it up at the bike racks when you get there or shove it in the buggy basket). Lots the big one can get involved in, can you get me that box of cornflakes, let's count 5 apples into this bag, etc.

Inside exercise options also saved our sanity at points (we had a toddler during lockdown in winter in Scotland). A small trampoline got lots of use, as did a big box we used as a tunnel. If you have a longish hallway or room, use that – obstacle courses, chasing a ball (yes, this is remarkably like fetch), hop like a bunny, stomp like a dinosaur, just plain running up and down. We played skittles as well, using a big playground ball to make it easier, lots of running back and forth to get the ball and set the skittles (empty bottles or whatever) back up.

I will also second the advice from @Mischance about getting the three year old involved in the household chores. Some things they can actually be useful for at this age (DD1 was a dab handing over two clothes pegs at a time and actually made pegging out washing faster). Other times, 'helping' is defined as not slowing you down so much you are going backwards – but they're entertained and the job eventually gets done.

I went back to work at five months with a similar age gap. This bit is hard work. Outsource it. Going back to work was far easier and saved my mental health despite the cost.
Twenty years on never a single regret.

Re DC and chores - DD used to love cleaning - spray bottle with water in, a cloth, let em rip on kitchen cupboards or windows etc. Dries off fast enough. She used to do this for ages and I could sit back an watch.

Cardboard boxes can also keep them busy for a long time - colour it, cut windows, pretend it's a car, bring teddies in for a picnic etc. Play tents do a similar thing.

I once went with FIL and DD to a playing field, fully visibility and enclosed with a hedge - he dared her to run all the way around, she did so totally happy then he dared her to do it again - ba-bum, tired out toddler who is proud of herself and zero exertion for parent :)

Exercise videos for 3yo are also a good shout, tires them out but the same level of effort as watching normal TV

9 months is a common time for biting. Say ow, and stop the feed every time, they should stop before long.

Lower your standards or up your cleaner's hours. Put things away as you go along and teach you 3 year old not to get loads of toys out at once and to tidy away. Have a big tub in the lounge to chuck the toys in. Don't iron if you are then the laundry is quick. Quick easy meals. Online food shop.

Can you put your three year old in childcare an extra day. Make sure you then use those days to things that relax you; dog walks and relax with the baby at the park, with a friend or at a babygroup (choose wisely, some are relaxing whilst some are hard work).

There is some really, truly amazing advice here thank you so much.

Stopping breastfeeding isn't really what I want to do, I fed my first for two years, but have forgotten how to deal with the biting!

Had a good cry this evening as felt like such a failure today but I'm going to start afresh tomorrow with some of your suggestions!

I was in this position with no childcare and what I did was get outside every morning and exhaust the 3 year old so they nap. Then in the afternoon go to a class or group that accommodates both the baby and toddler. Continue with general exhaustion until 3yo bedtime. Catch up on chores then once baby is down for first stretch of sleep.

It was tough but it is just a temporary tough phase and will get easier.