My 2 year old hits my 18 month old...HELP!!

[noideamumma]

Hi all,

I have an incredibly funny, intelligent, polite little girl (2.5yrs) like most her age she has hit the 'terrible 2's' head on. Very much not listening to anything we say, screaming out and about when not getting her own way, and just point blank tantrums.

Recently over the past week or so if she is told anything against something she is doing, being told not to do that certain thing (in a controlled manner from us) she will go over to her 18 month old sister (who i will add has been receiving physio due to her lack off muscle gain in her legs so is only able to bum shuffle currently, but making progress 😁) and she will hit her on the head, kick her, push her over resulting in her banging her head etc. My daughter seems to find it funny in some instances and seems to know it will cause a reaction from us, i think she knows full well it is wrong but continues to do it??

But why?? She will just be told off and end up being upset herself more so? It has been a real struggle the last few days to even reason with her. She is such a lovely girl it is so hard to see her be like this! Please if anyone has any advice/tips? I would really appreciate it!

Thank you :)

My experience was that they needed constant vigilant supervision at all times. You can’t reason with a two year old and trust them to behave well at all times.

@Cantdoitagain1 i agree, i just feel like all im saying every minute is 'please dont do that, thats not nice etc' she must hate me 😩🤦‍♀️

Again, I’d be careful about labelling the two year old as “not nice”. Just intervene and redirect before anything can even happen.

As above. Aaaah I remember this "fun" stage. It is hard.
But also
Plus think of the allbeit negative attention she receives whilst being punished.
Flip this around if you can. So, poor behaviour=less attention for the 2 year old. Heap attention on the injured sibling instead. Then 2 year old learns the correct way to gain attention is through good behaviours.
Easy to say, hard to do, especially in the moment when juggling everything.
You can also learn a script as you deal with it and practise when calm if it helps. E.g. "no. not safe. Stop. Now." Then body block your younger child with your back turned to the 2 Yr old and fuss over the smaller child. E.g. "poor you, it looks owwy, have a big kiss"

When a bit older, add" You can't stay in this room until you are safe. Come back in 1 minute when you are calm" then remove and close the door for 2 min. Then open door and repeat as necessary.

Alongside the sanctions above, try to build in more 1:1 time with your 2 year old when u can e.g. when younger child naps. You. Ould try a sticker chart for gentle/kind behaviour coupled with HEAPs of praise for kind sistering "WOW you are SO kind, thank you for getting .....s nappy"

Kindly I think you are being too polite/nice to her and not firm enough.
We do not hit.
Absolutely not
remove her from room to somewhere safe and boring - like the hall - for a minute or so, if I sing her.
She has extremely low impulse control, isn’t rational and wants to just do what she wants and get a reaction.
No pleases are necessary in this scenario. Firm and instant consequences may well help.

You could decorate a special "big girl box" out of cardboard together with your 2 year old and fill it with special games that u can only play together and without the younger sibling. E.g. lego
So times when u r occupied with younger child, bigger child can put things she wants to do with u in your special box, then when u get your 1:1 time it's ready to go? E.g. when younger child naps/earlier bedtime.
It may be that your 2 year old misses you more bow that her sibling is old enough to take up more of your attention. If u can address this it could help?

This is not how you should be talking to her. You're being completely wet and she'll continue to run rings around you.

Watch her like a hawk, don't leave her alone with her sibling, if she does it or goes to do it you physically remove her and say firmly "no, we do not hit!"

There's no reasoning to be had. She's just a toddler and she barely has two marbles rolling about her skull. She'll grow out of it but you have to be firm with her and intervene. If you're not firm she won't grow out of it: she'll continue to run rings around you and her behaviour will get worse.

You'll do it a hundred times over but that's toddlers for you.

I agree with @Autumcolors that's a hard boundary for me, particularly hitting on the head.

Absolute zero tolerance.

No please or thank you.

Look at your own behaviour because you may unwittingly be giving her more attention when she behaves like this rather than good behaviour.

Make sure you make your discipline prompt but boring and give her as little attention as possible.
So tell her hitting is wrong and immediately take her to another room or put her somewhere safe and ignore her for 10 minutes (or whatever the consequence is). Give your attention to the baby.

Then "catch her bring good" praise her when she is calm, playing well with her sister, following directions etc. Tell her what she is doing right and give her lots of positive attention, words, hugs etc.

If DH or another adult is around, let them do the "boring discipline". They take her in the other room and read a book to themselves, or something that gives NO ATTENTION to dd for 10 minutes or whatever the consequence is.

Whatever you do, don't get upset and react when she does something wrong, instead IMMEDIATELY respond and Grey Rock (boring, no attention, no reaction to a tantrum etc). If you fuss and rush to her and spend a lot of time correcting her you are giving her what she wants - your attention - but for negative reasons.

Grey Rock response is used with narcissists, but the same response (lack of attention, being boring) works just as well with any negative behavior generally.

Also make sure during positive moments THAT is when you explain expectations of behaviour i.e. " noone in our family hits anyone else".

I think she knows what will get the biggest reaction. The naughty step might work, time out, go to room, remove a toy or you can go for star chart for good behaviour, pennies in a jar, a trip etc. At some point your youngest child will retaliate.

Classic power hierarchy, she feels hurt by the person above her in the hierarchy so she finds the next person below her and passes it on.
of course to you it seems baffling because of course you are the benevolent dictator of the house, but emotions bypass all that logic!
take care.

Also the bum shuffling is probably perceived as a challenge, if her special skill is being mobile and her younger sibling is getting all the attention for that skill, she will feel even more like she's being replaced.

I guess my tip is try to think about what's going on for her rather than going for the tonne of bricks approach, as you say it feels like you're constantly on at her and it doesn't feel nice for anyone

You must protect your younger child. Absolutely no wet pleading with 2 year old. Remove her from the situation and lavish concern on the younger one. At the moment she is getting more attention, albeit negative. Just very firmly and consistently tell her no and remove her. She will soon get bored. When she is nice to her young sibling then lavish the praise. I feel so sorry for your younger child right now

This!!!!