Advice after husband's emotional affair

[musicmummytobe]

Hello, I'm posting on here for advice as I'm feeling incredibly lost and hurt after I found messages on my husband's phone after he crashed out after a drunken night out with his phone on his lap. The messages were along the lines of 'I want to fall into your arms' and 'hardest night ever not being able to message you' It's three weeks since that night and I'm still so hurt and angry, I have no idea how to move on from this. The girl was his ex from when he was in his early 20s (we've been together for 16 years) and he said he was feeling nostalgic and she was telling him how she never got over him and he says he just got a bit keen on the attention and it felt exciting and an ego massage when life was a bit boring. But then I found out he had been planning to meet up with her for a walk and to catch up whilst I was at my parents the following week after I found the messages with our child. He told me this as presumed I had seen it on his phone when I found the messages. He told me he would never have done anything and just wanted to catch up and the plans were made before the message became less innocent. He hasn't seen her since before we met and never saw her during these messages. Now he has a really good job and I work as a dinner lady so I can be there for our son and support him with the parenting and house etc as he has little time. I feel completely alone and trapped as I can't get past this but I have nowhere to go and no money to do it with as I would be absolutely skint without him. The other night I felt like I was making progress on feeling less hurt and then he told me more about this girl and that she was earning similar money to him and had done so well with her career considering she wasn't from a wealthy background (he and the girl are both from a working class area, I'm from a very middle class background) and then proceeded to say how I'd never really had a career as such and how I'd never earned much etc. I couldn't believe the insensitivity of this after what we were trying to overcome. I feel so alone and am having to struggle on to pretend to my son that all is fine and dandy. Any advice hugely appreciated x

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this .

My husband had an emotional affair. It went on for a while but I know it didn’t become physical.
I read the messages between the two of them and I was broken.
I confronted my husband and he was open and honest about it. He cut all contact with her. He gave me space to decide what I wanted to do with our marriage he told his family how he messed up. He fought for me.
We went through counselling and I had private therapy sessions for myself . I hated myself because I loved him, I hated how I felt like a doormat. I was so incredibly insecure about myself.
He never once compared me to the ow. He never spoke negatively about me or our my marriage which made me even more confused. He answered every question I had openly and honestly.
We are now 6 years down the line with 2 kids. That was the darkest period in my life and maybe some
people will say I’m a walk over but we made it out the other side. I think because we both wanted it to work that we’ve made it work. I needed to get myself a lot of support though as I wouldn’t have managed it. All of our friends and family know about it. It was embarrassing for me but I guess in a way it helped me and him as he had nowhere to hide and had to face it.

Give yourself time to think about what you want in life. What I will say is the fact he’s comparing your salaries is awful. You’ve worked hard and are raising a child- that in itself is a priceless job, the hardest and best in the world.
Has he cut contact with her? It makes me worry that he arranged to meet up with her. It makes me think he wanted it to go elsewhere.
Its easy for people online to say end your marriage and walk away but when it’s your life it’s not as simple.
Id suggest you ask him to sleep elsewhere for a couple of days so you can get some space to process this. Please speak to someone irl about what’s going on. I know it’s hard but it will help by getting someone else’s perspective.