Should I be worried DS only plays with girls

[frostyfeb1]

My DS5 (almost 6) is in Y1 he is a gorgeous, kind & funny boy. He's always been gentle and empathetic. Since he was in nursery he's always had firm friendships with the girls in his class. He doesn't really enjoy football or rough play (although he loves rough play with his brother at home). When he was first at school he loved magic and loved to play wizards and frozen - ice powers were of course the coolest kind of powers he could imagine 😂. However he now loves more "traditionally" boy things especially dinosaurs and sea creatures. I've never had an issue with him playing with the girls before except now he's started to notice he's the only not invited to girls parties and says things like boys don't want to play with me only the girls and I'm worried as he gets older and the girls get more close knit he will begin to be left out and lonely. For example the last few years have been mixed birthday parties but this year it's started to segregate and he's been invited to a few mixed parties and 3 all girls but no all boy parties but there have also been all girls parties held by his friends he's not invited too. Lots of the girls have play dates outside school or go to dance classes etc together. My son does go to judo and swimming outside school but doesn't seem to have formed any friendships here - maybe they are more solitary clubs if that makes sense. Just wondering if there are any other mums who've experienced similar with friendship groups and how it turned out for your children as they moved through school?

I'm a bit flabbergasted that you'd be worried by this. What exactly is it you're worried about? Why is your post so full of stereotypes? Wtf are you talking about judo for, will that make his willy grow back if it falls off for playing ice princesses?

honestly this shit pisses me off

Girl only activities are very few and far between though? He could join dancing if he wanted (there were a few boys at my dance school in the 90's so it's not a new idea by any stretch).

I'd keep reminding him that it doesn't matter whether he plays with girls or boys, as everyone is having fun, that's all that matters. He might not get invited to every girls party, but chances are he wouldn't get invited to every boys party either.

This is my son. He had a very close friend with a girl who wasn't too girly but now she has found a girl friend and tells my son to 'go away because you're not a girl' breaks my heart 😩 he's always been drawn more to girls as he's not exactly sporty or loud like a stereotypical boy. I've tried to encourage him to get boy friends, but of course he's just trying to make friends with more girls. Possibly as he has spent most of his life around girls family wise.

I fully understand the OP's concerns.

Our son was exactly the same, he preferred girls and has never had any real friends who are boys. It was fine in the early years at primary school, but in the later years and then in secondary school, he was definitely lonely, as the girls just did their own thing and stayed in "girl's" cliques except when it came to chasing after boys!! It was ironic really because he liked "male" things like football but didn't like the boys who were into football as he thought them too rough/rowdy etc so he'd watch footie on TV on his own or play on his own in the garden! Girls always liked him as a friend, but he never got invited for parties/ activities, etc.

He came into his own at Uni sharing a flat with other girls. In his first year, it was 4 boys/4 girls, but as expected, he didn't really have anything in common with the boys so he didn't do anything with them, didn't go out with them. He didn't argue or fall out with them. He got on very well with the girls, I think they liked him because he's friendly, honest, helpful, etc. By the third year, the girls had joined some others and were renting together, and invited him to join them as the only boy in a flat with 7 other girls!! Nothing romantic (don't think so anyway), but they absolutely loved him living with them. But still the same scenario, they'd go out and do their own thing, go to parties, socialising, etc., but they'd never invite him along which he was sad about, but at least he enjoyed living with them as they did movie nights, cooked group meals together, etc.

It's such a shame, but the trouble is that a lot of boys are pretty rough, loud, boistrous, and some lads just don't like that. Unfortunately, they start to be labelled as gay or soft etc., which is very unfair. Like here on MN, so many people criticise blokes for their actions etc., so we should all be encouraging "gentle" boys to be themselves and support them as they're the ones who'll turn into a better "standard" of future husband/partner/father material than the stereotypical "lads will be lads" that we applaud in childhood and then bitterly complain about as adults!

Thanks for the replies everyone - it's absolutely not what some posters have insinuated that I have a problem with him playing with girls or enjoying girls company more than boys. It's more as some other posters who have been in a similar situation have said that I'm starting to worry about him being left out and having no place within the groups - girls beginning to cut him out in favour of other girls and the boys having written him off as "he only plays with girls". This wasn't an issue at all until til year when he's become aware of some play dates and parties he's not been invited too even though the girls are part of his close friendship group and although he's not mentioned it I'm fairly certain there have been boy only parties he hasn't been thought of for either. He is a sensitive and very observant boy and I'm worried the more he becomes aware of this it will knock his self esteem and confidence. He's such a happy child and does love the company of others so I'm just really worried he's going to begin to be lonely or feel different from the other children in his age group.... not that his Willy will fall off as someone so helpfully suggested

Why are you worried? It sounds like you have very specific idea about what a male child should be interested in. Open your mind a bit and let your child do activities he enjoys and play with whoever he likes.

I get it frosty - my ds2 was very similar - still is though he's now 14.
Friendship groups have changed over the years, at times I guess hes not quite fitted in with the girls and reverted back to more male friendship groups. One around year 4 I think, and another year 7 (starting big school)- these seemed to be points when there was less mixing of girls and boys overall! It did mean he was in between with a lot of parties - not quite in either group, and missed out on some of them. Though the girls did include him once parties got smaller, and if he was interested in the activity.

I'd say don't stress too much but if you can, encourage friendships with a range of his peers including boys

Love this

My yr 2 ds is the same, he spends his time in school doing role play games and is very happy with all female friends. Out of school he enjoys dancing a lot but has just started getting upset that he's the only boy in dance and that he doesn't get invited to any parties. I have tried organising play dates with some of his female friends but he gets upset that they're not reciprocated.

Are you for real?????

Why would you be worried? I'm very disturbed by your sexist, regressive and possibly homophobic post.

Have a serious think about what you're doing here.

@SwordToFlamethrower what am I doing? I haven't mentioned this to my son at all? I don't encourage him not to play with the girls and happily chat with him about his day and his adventures at school regardless of who he's been playing with.

I'm just quietly and privately worried that he is going to begin to be left out - which already seems to be beginning in some situations?

Thanks to everyone who's replied with simailr experiences - your sons all sound lovely and I'm glad it seems to have all worked itself out in the end for most even if there have been little periods and blips in between where they have become more aware or left out for a short time.

Have you actually bothered to read the thread at all???

When my DC suggest an invite list for parties, I try to sense check it to make sure no one is accidentally left out (eg invited 14 out of 15 boys in the class) etc. if there was only 1 boy or girl on the list I would wonder if they would be ok with that. It might be worth pointing out to some other parents (if it can come up naturally in a conversation) how happy he is playing with the girls and doesn't mind being the only boy in a group. That might help the party situation.

There was a similar thread recently, you might find some replies on there helpful too:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5001856-mums-of-boys-who-hang-out-only-with-girlss?reply=132890662

You're absolutely right - that whole "boys will be boys" mentality makes it much harder for boys that just aren't naturally rowdy/agressive/sporty.

I have to say I'm delighted to have a son who's so comfortable in himself and doesn't overthink gender stereotypes or what other people expect of him and have no doubt he'll eventually be a wonderful husband and dad.

Just a further note about football specifically - I've noticed that both my.boys white enjoy a bit of a kick around at the park with me and their dad, but they are resolutely uninterested in playing football with their friends, as by the time kids get to 7/8/9 it seems to become SO serious! None of his friends want to just have a kickabout at breaktime - they want proper playing with no room for mistakes or different levels of ability, which puts my boys off completely. I find this is very much the case with weekend kids club/kids league football too - it's really off-putting.

Harsh there.

OP is just asking for advice.

My now adult son is like this . He's still best friends with a couple of the girls since they were 3 years old. He's still never had a male friend in his life . They girls come on holiday with us , they've always been allowed while growing up to come for sleepovers etc and two of them STILL come for sleepovers now . They have a really lovely relationship 🥰 certainly not anything to worry about OP

Fellow gentle son mum here. Mine is now 12 and does not get invited to the boy parties/sleepovers, but he is relieved about that as doesn’t want to go. He has maintained his girl friendships and will have play dates and sleepovers with them, but they tend to be when it is one-on-one situations. Some of the girls don’t include him in parties, but he’s ok with that as he doesn’t want to do what they are doing.

He has found a couple of like minded boys who he hangs around with some of the time at school, but I wouldn’t class them as very close, but it’s a friendship option if he wants it. It’s evolving and as long as he is happy that’s all that matters.

Your son sounds like a lovely boy and I’m sure it will be fine.

It’s a shame about the replies you’ve had that have completely misunderstood your OP with their need to show off their wokeness.

That's so true Zebras. I had several parents comment that they didn't want ds to feel uncomfortable as the only boy at a party, and once they knew he didn't care the invitations picked up!

My DB was like that when he started school. The only boy invited to girls' birthday parties.
He's now in his 50s, happily married with a good network of friends and family.

Would he like dance classes?

I agree that dance or music could be good prospects for activities that will foster longer term friendships through shared accomplishments.

When my son was a young chorister, it happened that a little group of them formed who were much more interested in creative play / storytelling on their breaks, and it was commented on how helpful it was that they set an example to the younger boys coming on behind them that their breaks didn't have to be all football...

(the story telling evolved into ideas for film making, which never quite got there. But they've now written an excellent musical - mainly while they were in senior school)

This was my post! Thanks for tagging it.. i wasn't sure how to do that