Ex “unable” to see children

[TheMushroomFamily]

This has bugged me so much and I just can’t work it out so wondered if anyone could understand it!

When I split with my ex he had a 3 bed house and as soon as we split he told me he would start renting out the rooms because he “would need to give me money for the children” yet I have never seen any of this money, and as it’s through renting rooms cms can’t touch any of it and it just comes up as he is unemployed/ no maintenance. He has never once paid anything towards the children from renting his rooms out which is what he claimed the purpose of it was. However due to this it’s also meant that he has never not once had our children overnight or at his house since we split because he’s “renting out his rooms so no space/ not appropriate.”

Why would someone deliberately create a situation where they are unable to have their children at their house or overnight? It means he also barely sees them because he has nowhere to take them and he doesn’t fancy hanging around on the street with them or paying for expensive days out every time he sees them. Of course anyone could guess it would be difficult to have nowhere to take your children. He doesn’t drive so talking them around isn’t easy and most separated parents have their children in their home. So why would he intentionally do this? He isn’t claiming he doesn’t want to see them before anyone suggests that’s the reason he claims to be desperate to see them and desperate to be a father but can’t because he “has nowhere to take them” so why would he create this situation that is his own doing? At first I thought it would be temporary but it’s 7 years now and he is still doing it with no plans to change things.

What a shithead.

Has he asked to see them at your house?

Because he's a lazy bastard who doesn't want to get a job so would rather live off the money from renting out rooms?
Up to about £7k a year is tax free (though child support should still be payable on it I believe). But if he's renting out two rooms that's probably more than £7k a year which would affect his benefit claim and mean he should be paying tax on it. You could simply report him, or you could threaten to do so unless he pays you the money he should.
Not much you can do to make him a better father unfortunately.

Yes he use to see them here when they were a lot younger he actually expects to see them here and doesn’t see why I’m not ok with him visiting them at my house it’s only the last few years I’ve put my foot down and told him he is unable to see them here

Yeah absolutely stand your ground. It's not up to you to provide a location for him to see his children and I can imagine it can seem intrusive having an ex in your home. I wouldn't like that either.

You can ask CMs to do a variation for unearned income.

Rental income can absolutely be taken into account for maintenance.

Has he always been lazy and work shy(hate that term)

If he really wanted to be in his kids life he would get a job so he didn’t need to rent out rooms. But he’s a lazy git and easier to play the victim - oh I can’t see the kids as “I have to rent out rooms” no you don’t ….

Plus then he would have to have clothes, bedrooms toys for them etc etc and that is why he preferred coming to yours as you had everything… well done on saying nope you can’t come here!!

Yes part of me felt like he wanted to keep all the mess and chaos here then have a nice clean and tidy kids free home to go back to?! Not have to deal with cleaning up and cooking and all the stuff that comes with having children so easy to see them here keep it all here and disappear off to a kid free house where he only has to clean up after himself. But then I hear of fathers fighting to have their children overnight and taking their exes to court to be able to see their children overnight and this man has every opportunity but doesn’t want to?!

Call him out directly and protect your dc. Distance them from this loser. They aren’t missing anything, he sounds like a very poor example to them.

Oh they nearly all do that.
Don't bother with the children but often say things like "I'd have them full time if I could".

Was he controlling when you were together? Some men refuse to take the kids because they don't want the ex being able to have a life of her own...even EOW.

Because he's a twat, that's why.

I actually wonder if this is part of it as well as the times I’ve asked him to take them out instead it’s like he doesn’t like leaving me alone he will either invite me along (I always say no) or bring them back very quickly and claim they asked to come home (kids said they didn’t)

I just worry he will blame it on me when they are older

Can you engineer the contact a bit more so that he has no option but to be responsible for them for a reasonable length of time, and to have them at his house? Ie, make plans of your own (or claim you have done). Even if he doesn't have space for them to stay overnight, he could have them for a whole day at a time, (eg every Saturday from 9am until 7pm and get used to actual parenting for a whole day in his own house. It might just help pave the way to a stronger relationship and him actually feeling himself to be a parent. At the moment he's just visiting them really isn't he?

Reminds me of an old neighbour who would rather smoke and snort drugs with his lodger/friends than get a job and face his responsibilities. Used to get up around 2 or 3 and play loud music till 4 or 5 am. Everyone used to say 'tell the landlord' but he was the owner.

Honestly if I didn’t know any better I would think that was him!

I’m not sure how I would do that, he lives quite far away so I don’t think he would take them. He would probably call the police and report me as missing knowing him! He lives too far away so wouldn’t have them for the entire day he wouldn’t keep them on the streets 9am / 7pm and he wouldn’t take them back this his as it’s 90 mins away.

If he's 90 minutes away, would it really be feasible for him to have the kids regularly at his own home, even if he wasn't renting it rooms?
Has he ever taken them on holiday? Or to visit his family? That might be a good place to start if you are keen to encourage him to take on more of a parenting role.

God what a pathetic excuse of a man and father.

I would not even let him see the children. He is tight, greedy, selfish and mean.

oh and he is an appalling role model as a father!

When he next asks to see the kids tell him you want paying and a regular contact schedule. If he refuses then stand your ground.

He lives too far away so wouldn’t have them for the entire day he wouldn’t keep them on the streets 9am / 7pm and he wouldn’t take them back this his as it’s 90 mins away.

Right so he's indicated in every conceivable way that he has no interest in your DC. There's no need to contact him again, is there?

You said I just worry he will blame it on me when they are older

I mean he is obviously going to do that. He's almost certainly doing it now. So what? He's not going to blame it on you to your DC, as they will never see him. He's not going to blame it on you to anyone you know, as he doesn't know anyone (and even if he did, who cares). How often do you imagine you will be seeing him when your DC are grown up? I think my parents have probably seen each other twice in the last 25 years.

Seriously - who cares what he thinks.

Yes for the weekend eow and in the holidays (could have them half the holidays) can’t see why not? Friday after school till Sunday evening. No never taken them on holiday and he doesn’t really have any family his parents have passed and he has siblings but not very close to them.

Yeah that’s a good point I know he will say it either way

https://www.gov.uk/renting-out-a-property/paying-tax

Property you personally own
The first £1,000 of your income from property rental is tax-free. This is your ‘property allowance’.

Contact HMRC if your income from property rental is between £1,000 and £2,500 a year.
You must report it on a Self Assessment tax return if it’s:

• £2,500 to £9,999 after allowable expenses
• £10,000 or more before allowable expenses

Unless I am very mistaken, he is a) not reporting his income to HMRC regardless of whether he's hit the threshold of £7500 a year for tax or not b) if he's not reporting his rental income to HMRC he's dodging his child maintence because his income isn't zero c) His income might affect any benefits he's recieving...

Aside from that 'no able to see my kids' is just a pathetic responsibility dodging way to say 'im not interested in my kids'.

I think HMRC might like to hear from you.

No he is not declaring but I’ve looked into this and they require proof / evidence

The AVERAGE room rent per month in the NW was £522 (figure for last quarter 2022).
Thats £6264 per year. So for two rooms that'd be £12,528 before expenses.
(source: https://www.spareroom.co.uk/content/info-landlords/average-rent-uk)

If hes coming back from HMRC as unemployed and that income isn't showing up...

Have you tried shopping him to the DWP for benefit fraud? Cos I think he'd fall foul of that.