Struggling as a FTM…

[Mummydearesttolouells]

hey ladies

I’m just looking to rant a bit really and would sooo appreciate no negative comments. it’s a long one so I’d probably advise you to just move to another thread lol…

I know to some people I might sound like I need to man up, as my MIL has told me plenty, but just feel like I’m struggling as a FTM lately.
I thought things would get easier as baby got older but I actually feel like things are getting harder.

DD is now 4.5 months. Her reflux is back with avengence (hasn’t shown its face since she had it at 3 weeks old) and its literally worse than ever before, I’m talking bouts to screaming after a bottle and can’t be settled, ends up just crashing due to exhaustion. She’s on ompremozole but have been struggling getting her to take it the last day or so as she hates the taste and literally just pushes it back out! … so it’s not working as well as it could be (got a call with Dr next week about the reflux issues).

naps are a complete bust - I ALWAYS watch wake windows , will start trying to put her down (dark room, white noise, rocking) as soon as I either see early sleepy cues or when I know that the wake window is coming to an end but DD just fights the nap, so some days I think ok I’ll just extend the wake window slightly in case she’s under tired but then it goes the other way and she gets over tired, tried shorting wake windows and no luck either. So yeah naps are just non existent unless I go for a walk with her in the pram but she’s awake as soon as I get home so the over tiredness cycle continues… I surrender to contact naps every time, it’s just the battle of getting her down that’s the problem for me.

bottles are still every 3 hours. I might get a push of 4 hours sometimes but I really thought these would have extended by now especially as her intake has upped to 6oz.

she hates the car seat and won’t fall asleep in it so I have to make sure she’s fed, changed, and just ready for a nap before I can put her in it, sometimes when I’m on my way home for the day she’ll nod off, but usually when I’m on my way out she’ll fight the urge to sleep in it and become over tired so by the time I get to my destination she’s upset and wanting to be put down for a nap! Have tried putting her in it after a nap as part of the wake window, but she does this great game of spit the dummy out… give her a dummy, spits it out, cries until I put it back in, and this just goes on and on until I finally get to my destination .

I actually do avoid going out most days unless it’s for a walk to get her down, as I really can’t be bothered with the ordeals. I go somewhere and spend the time pace feeding on a bottle, rocking down for a nap or having to leave early if she’s getting over tired and really upset. I even left to meet my friend 2 hours early the other day just so DD could sleep in the pram and wake up nice and refreshed. She slept for an hour and a half, woke up for about 20 mins and then screamed the cafe down until I left and walked her round the block back to sleep (she didn’t want a bottle).

when she’s happy, it’s amazing, she smiles and giggles at me and I genuinely feel like I’m doing a great job. But then when she gets so upset from tiredness or reflux, or being in the car seat, I just feel like crap. I feel like I’m not doing a good job and I worry that she’ll grow up wondering why her mum let her get tired and upset, or why her mum let her feel pain and discomfort when drinking a bottle.

I really thought that things would get easier as she got older and understood things more, even reflux I thought would get better as she got older as that’s what all medical professionals have told me.

I really do feel like I’m struggling to make my baby happy. All I do is hold her, cuddle with her, play with her, all the things I should be doing of course, and tbh she has me wrapped round her little finger but I absolutely love it!! But I just always feel like I’m doing things wrong.

I look at my friends DD who is nearly 6 months and she’s so happy, hardly cries, naps wherever, sleeps through the night, takes bottles with no care in the world, and all of that makes me feel ten times worse as just feel like I must be some crap mumma for my baby to be the opposite of those things.

before anyone says anything about PND, I don’t have it. I’ve just had a really shit week and just feel so unbelievably sorry for myself, and unfortunately no one to talk to who will understand.

anyway thanks for listening to my rant, anyone that actually reads it this please know how forever grateful I am that you’ve listened to me drone on!!! And of course please feel free to just keep on scrolling because I know that im just being a wimp!!

@Mummydearesttolouells I could have written that when my dd was that age. I could write one today 2 years on 😂

I used to go to mum groups and listen to them talk about how they just put their babies in their cot for a nap. Just put them in the cot and walk out... 🤯

Now I watch their little girls sit quietly playing in their beautiful dresses while mine (who flat out refuses to wear a dress) looks like she was reared by wolves is trying to find the highest point in the room to climb to.

But, she's so funny and so smart and despite having mild PTSD from the first year, I honestly wouldn't change it.

I think some babies just get frustrated with being babies, like they are striving for the next thing all the time. I suspect you'll get it bad at walking and talking times too. Just so pissed off they can't do it yet.

Hang in there, it does get easier and you are not a bad mum! 😊

Sending love.

Totally agree with the above reply.

I promise it gets better and you'll barely remember this time. I remember the hardest time being 3-5 months. You expect it will have got easier by this point (because for a lot of people it has) but for me I was still barely getting any chunks of sleep, all naps were contact and as much as I tried to enjoy and soak it all up I was worried that I was getting her in bad habits and would she ever sleep for more than 3 hours.

It does get better. Sleep does slowly increase and you learn to not care that your baby needs contact naps and actually when mums are sad their baby doesn't cuddle them anymore you have some real positives.

Rant away. Some babies just are a bit higher maintenance. But that just means high quality!

You've got this. You can do it. She loves you and you only care and worry so much because you love her so much.

I wish I could go back and compare less, ignore what others did more and just enjoy the good bits and know that the memories of the hard bits fade so so fast.

Sending strength.

Some babies are hard work. They just are. The internet and books are awash with advice as to what we can do to make these tiny humans comply with adult routines and preferences but some just don’t.

You are not depressed (if you don’t think you are). You are not doing anything wrong.

Keep going. She’s loved and healthy and she’ll be ok.

Both my two were nightmare babies and toddlers for different reasons. Now they are 6 and 8 and are honestly truly the best thing ever. I have a theory that high needs babies make better big kids.

I know that at this time it feels like it’s going to go forever. It won’t. Stay strong. One foot in front of the other. Not loving this bit does not make you a bad mum it makes you human. There will be other bits. There will be baking cakes with a toddler. Reading with a pre schooler. Homework in infants. Parties and christmases and first trips to the movies and learning to roller skate. Motherhood is sooooo much more than newborn motherhood.

xxx

Totally. Some babies are a lot harder than others. And I also like to think that they'll become the highest quality little people because of it ❤️

@Problemnumber99 omg reared by wolves made me really chuckle!
I totally feel you with the baby groups. I went once with DD and she just screamed the place down as she got so over stimulated. All the other babies were perfect, laying there all calm.!
your right it definitely seems like she gets frustrated just by being herself lol and doesn’t seem to know what she wants most of the time!

@daysfilledwithdappledlight reading your reply actually made me quite emotional for some reason! Your right, most of the time I do care far too much what others think and I do far too much comparing - I think I just have a fear of people thinking I’m not a good mum as all I’ve ever wanted to be in life is an amazing mum. But I suppose I need to prove that to myself and DD, no one else. The time truly does go so fast, sometimes the weeks feel so long and I just think When will this get easier. I hate wishing the time away but definitely thought by this point I’d be super mum!….

@MyLemonBee it’s really true! Routines do work for some, and if I’m honest I’m such a routine person myself I kind of figured DD would take after me. But I’ve learnt that babies are their own little people and clearly she takes after DP with thr lack of routine and care lol…. you definitely stuck a cord with what you said about motherhood is more than just newborns… it’s really true and without wishing the time away too much I do just have to focus on all the positives to come.

ladies, I can’t thank you enough for replying to me and being so kind. Everything you’ve said has made me feel so much better, and for once I actually feel understood and less ashamed of how I’ve been feeling. Hopefully I’ll remember to post in another few months, and maybe I’ll be feeling completely different!… but thank you again, and I’ll be keeping a lot of your word close as I’ve never felt so touched by some of the things you’ve said. Thanks again ladies xxx

I can reccomend the medication dummy , it's so helpful for getting meds into small babies. Once you have the reflux under control then everything else will ease. Babies frequently drink more to try and ease the reflux, wanting to be held is another thing with reflux, as is the car seat. It took us months to get it right. Between cmpa , reflux and a soy allergy it was a lot to figure out but once we did then things definitely got better.