Teach toddler to deal with anger

[ISDA2020]

Hi all!

I was hoping someone could give me some tips. I’m very very pro teaching toddler to embrace what he’s feeling etc and express it. He’s so good at telling me if something makes him happy or sad or angry etc.

But recently when he’s frustrated or angry he has started to scream and hit.

I’ve told him firmly that hitting is never allowed even when you’re angry. However I’ve told him if he needs to shout or scream to get the anger out then he can go to his room and do so.

He’s actually so polite about it it’s adorable however I was wondering if this is the best approach?

I’ve also told him he needs to take deep breaths, take a break etc when he feels angry but he forgets this most of the time.

How would you approach this?

Sounds fine I would just take a bit of care on the thing about in his room, actually feelings are pretty new and scary so toddlers need your support ideally, so I would prefer to stay nearby and just try to contain any overspill. You're mainly trying to avoid training any negative patterns of behaviour into them at this point. Although removing yourself from the situation is a reasonable response to anger as an adult, I would focus on communication and getting support (from you) for the next few years.

Another tip is to use books, there are loads of super simple kids books about emotions in general or specific emotions that are useful for giving them and you the language and preparation to deal with things.

Good luck! Sounds like you're doing well.

He sounds like a lovely little boy, well done you :) We went through this phase too, it is difficult. I took the same line as you in encouraging her to adopt different behaviours when she is cross. We read The Colour Monster a lot to help with the concept of different feelings. I also like 'how to talk so little kids will listen'. But I think the main thing is the consistent reaction when he hits - I would stick with just 'no thank you' in a low firm voice rather than any other explanation. Then swiftly get up/move and distract him with something different if you can. It is just a phase and it will get better. I think we had a few weeks of it being quite intense and then it settled to now just the odd occasion. Depending on age you can also introduce the concept of green light (good) choices and red light (bad) choices. There are some resources on line to work on this. I would also agree with pp and personally wouldn't encourage him to go to his room. Just because they need support with emotional regulation at this age and shouldn't feel it's something they need to deal with on their own.

He's far too young to be sent to his room, he is having overwhelming emotions and needs to be with someone while this happens.

Be careful not to try to get him to behave likes he's 6 when he's only 2.

It is very normal to hit and scream at 2, in this phase you need to verbalise the emotions for him.

You're putting very high expectations on him in terms of remembering to breathe deeply - this will make him more prone to tantrums not less.

It might help for you to do more work on how you feel about being around upset. It reads like you want him to skip the tantrum phase - but it is vital for his emotional development.

I realise I'd assumed 2, he may be 3? But still you're asking him to be very rational, which is impossible.

I can sometimes, not always, get my toddler to either not hit or turn it into a last minute touch with a fast "gentle hands" if I see he's about to lash out. The big one that is helping is that we prep before potentially triggering situations by reminding him that if he feels worried or like hitting he asks me for help (literally "mummy help") so I know he's overwhelmed and can step in/move him away or whatever. He's two.

I think you're doing really well.

As others have said, at his age it's probably not appropriate to put him in a room alone to deal with anger (fine to suggest alone time to an older child though). Also, it's a bit of a myth that you can "get the anger out." Things like screaming or hitting cushions etc make the anger carry on longer and cause more distress, so don't encourage him to use shouting to help calm down. We had limited success with pretending our fingers were birthday cake candles that had to be blown out, but really it's only human nature at any age to get angry now and then.

Just my opinion but I think we as a culture are currently quite scared of anger in children, and I think we overreact sometimes. I don't think this is good at all. We risk communicating our fear to the child, as though we the grownups are powerless in the face of the child's anger. This is TERRIFYING for a child. So the most helpful thing you can do is show confidence that this is just a feeling and mummy is not rattled by this because she's seen it all before. It's just crossness which happens sometimes and it will go away and then he will feel better.

I don't really recommend laughing at a raging child (it will, rightly infuriate them further 😁 I speak from experience), but as he gets older you might be able to start looking back at anger incidents after he's calmed down. With a two year old he's too young. It will always be a major diplomatic incident that his blue plate was in the dishwasher and there's no point going over it just move on.

@johnd2 100% agree. I just thought maybe he could use his room like a safe space sort of thing but will be more careful with this. You are very correct, I do not want him to build up any negative ways of dealing with his anger, I want to get it right!

@SErunner thank you for your kind words. I’ll definitely be more careful about the room now. I’m always with him and I thought maybe it would make him feel like he has ‘his own space’. Thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll take him shopping with me to get it, make him feel more involved.

@LightSwerve hi! He’s 3.5 yrs old. His tantrums don’t bother me at all, nothing much does. I’m not easily fazed. It’s just the hitting situation, as I want him to be have proper mechanisms for dealing with his anger. A 3 yr old hitting does not hurt, so I’m not bothered by it but I’d want to be able to help him develop ways of dealing with it. I have never ‘sent’ him to his room like he’s in trouble, but suggested he can go there if he’s feeling super overwhelmed and doesn’t want me to hug him etc. But the feedback here makes sense and I’ll remain vigilant about trying to comfort him and distract him.

This is true, lately it’s been when he’s asking for excessive screen-time or when his time is up and it’s time to say bye to Paw patrol. I get that it’s almost end of the world for him in his world. I do absolutely love him to bits, tantrums hitting and everything in between.

I’ll be cutting out the ‘shout if you want to let out your anger’ and employ more of a distraction, cuddles, I’m here for you even if you feel like this technique.

Thank you all for your help!

I recommend a book called ‘alligator is angry’. My 3 year old loves it and there’s prompts at the end to have a chat about when little one feels the same. Sounds like you’re doing amazing though, you not being overwhelmed by his emotions will do him wonders! Lucky little boy.

Added to the list! Thank you so much