DD8 very emotional and upset but doesn't know what's wrong!

[FusionChefGeoff]

DD has suddenly become VERY emotional and the smallest things can really upset her. She's also really struggling to drop off at night and I can't work out if she's tired which is causing the emotional outbursts or if there's something else at play that's stopping her sleeping!

She's never needed as much sleep as her older brother but it's getting later and later now (9.30 now and she's till up) plus she does quite a lot of activities so I'm sure she needs more than she's getting.

But I don't know how! We've recently tried to take the stress out of 'I must go to sleep' as that was getting her wound up - so after half hour reading together she goes up around 8 and is allowed to read until she feels sleepy but not sure this is working either!

There's no physical signs of puberty at all - compared to some of her friends she's still very much a little girl both in body and mind. But I was wondering if there's maybe a lot of hormones at play prior to the obvious changes?? I've ordered a book I've seen recommended here and plan to let her read it and come to me with questions as she HATES us making a fuss out of things like that.

She absolutely swears that nothing is wrong and she doesn't know why she feels sad. She just gets suddenly overwhelmed and bursts into tears.

She used to have fairly epic rages when she eg lost at games but they've gone so I thought she was starting to get a handle on her emotions - then this started.

She must have burst into tears 10 times today and she's been having a wonderful day with her cousins and grandparents followed by a couple of hours on her iPad / watching TV then pub dinner with lots of great family games etc.

We've tried gratitude / journaling which I'm enjoying but it just adds to how long it takes and how late she's then falling asleep.

Any reassurance / tips / advice from those who've been there done that? Thank you

Sounds very much like my Dd who is 9. I've started a few threads on here recently! Solidarity op.

We've had an awful month I would say, and half term was so so difficult, I actually have a call from the doctor booked in for a few weeks time. I was thinking they might check her iron levels in particular, as she doesn't eat much meat and no red meat, and I know low ferritin really messed me up. Typically she's been more her normal self the last 2 days...

We got her an mp4 player and she listens to audiobooks if she can't get to sleep now. I'm also trying to get her up in the morning as that helps. 10hrs sleep is OK I think so if I don't want her staying up late for my own time, she gets woken at 7:15 latest.

@FusionChefGeoff

id say a lot of it is the hormone surge which happens well before the physical changes.

imagine she has PMT 10x worse than you've experienced...

I would give lots of hugs & a bit of teaching about ways of coping.

plus she does quite a lot of activities

You may want to examine this. I really feel that many kids do far too much and it causes them to be burned out and exhausted, even though they enjoy everything. Their bodies need so much rest at your daughter's age.

so after half hour reading together she goes up around 8 and is allowed to read until she feels sleepy

I would switch this up and make "lights out" more defined to see if that helps. I would go up to her room at 7:30, read until 8, and then light out with soft thunderstorm sounds playing. I would not use white noise. Ambient sound can help with sleep issues.

Thanks @Curlewwoohoo it's always better if there's more than 1 in the club!

She doesn't sleep in - which always leads me to think she's getting what she needs and yes she's got an Alexa for stories but they're a bit... shrill really so I might look into more soothing audiobooks!!

He diet is normally really good - although she had a (rare) sickness bug last week and hasn't recovered her appetite yet so that could be part of it.

@FabFebHalfTerm I was really hoping someone would say that as I want it to be normal and not the start of ongoing MH issues. I will definitely keep giving lots of unconditional cuddles and talking about ways to cheer ourselves up

@Aquamarine1029 they're mostly short after school or breakfast clubs so she's home by 4pm and doesn't go back out again apart from the occasional 1 hour indoor cricket. Weekends are pretty chill but I will definitely make sure we're not overloading her.

I'll also use going back after half term as an opportunity to change bedtime and we'll try the more defined option instead

Poor little thing! It just breaks your heart when they get so upset and you can't fix it. I suspect hormones are definitely playing a part as other pp have mentioned.

What if you tell her it’s ok?

that sometimes we have big feelings and we don’t know or there isn’t an obvious ‘why’ and that’s ok and it’ll pass

we can put a lot of pressure on children to provide answers.

if there IS an external reason it will become clear.

if not then that’s ok.

it does sound like she is in a phase of needed more downtime and quiet time.

we had some of this at a similar age.

but that was mid pandemic so I assumed it was her reflecting back the stress of lockdowns.

it did pass.

my now 10 year old is still Highly sensitive with big emotions from time to time but less than a couple of years ago.

Sounds like hormones. Lots of girls in my DDs class has this around that age, including my dd. Apparently there is a surge around 8/9.
It did get better for about a year around 10 then pmt started. Now I have two girls and myself all with similar cycles....send help

My daughter recently turned 10 and has been really emotional for over a year now. I asked school last year if something was going on and they said the girls in her year group were all very similar with hormones playing havoc for them.

I read an article recently about 8 year olds being one of the hardest ages to parent..... my 8 year old DS has been a ball of emotions, anxiety and outbursts. Friendship dynamics at this age also start to change so I'd see if you can find out how things are at school if you can, some kids just won't open up though. I also think some schools really step it up in year 3 and 4, there's a lot of writing (too much in all honesty) and stress all round.

Woops just realised typo she's 9! Still all seems to point to hormones. I definitely have said that it's ok to be sad and that sometimes we don't know why.

It's that bloody parental tight rope again isn't it: don't push them to find an explanation but don't dismiss or ignore signs of obvious distress!

I'll make sure we're having lots of quiet time and low demand days as well as encouraging some good self care stuff too.

@campamshamalam I am not looking forward to this next phase!!

Snap OP. Just snap. Solidarity

It might not be this OP but there's a lovely woman, Natasha Daniels, who I found really helpful with some stuff my kid experienced. Viewing him through this lens helped me understand why a lot of things I was doing to try and help him weren't getting us anywhere.

He is neurodivergent - like I said, this may not apply. But there might be something in her stuff that helps, even if the label is off, so wanted to share. I found her during lockdown when any kind of help was at the end of a 2yr waiting list and I'm very glad I did, so like to pass on in case it helps others.

@Grumblevision thank you so much that's really helpful and I'll have a look at her other videos too. Anything that helps me look at this in a new / different way is much appreciated

My dd at 8 went through a patch of this. Shes 9 now and it did settle down. My other dd is now 8 and she also had a shorter patch of it recently and I remember thinking it was so similar.

Think its an age thing.

Could be she is just going through a phase prior to a growth spurt when she is “outgrowing her own strength” as my granny used to put it and is a bit run down?

Or she is starting to show signs of ND? It’s interesting she was so reactive when her cousins and gps were around and it was outwardly a fun day. The overwhelm could point to asd perhaps? Girls tend to mask so all the pressures of school can burst out at home. Does she have any sensory issues?

I agree with PP who have said it’s hormones. I was completely blindsided when mine went through that stage and there were lots of big emotions and tears.

I was like this at 8. I didn't get the answer until I was 25. I'm bipolar. This is why I have never been able to identify "why" I'm crying or feeling sad or anything like that.

I had 15 years of being asked over and over again why was I low. Was it school or fall out with friends, family. I just am and actually that is the answer. My brain is wired differently and that means for no explicable reason I fall into depressions that are hard to get out of.

I'm not saying this will be the case for your daughter just putting an example forward for genuinely not knowing why you are sad or upset. The worst thing people did for me was to keep pestering me for the why. It made me feel wrong and defected and "othered" so I wouldn't push too much for an explanation. Give her time and space to feel as she feels and work with the school and GP to try to untangle the reasons in gentle way.

Just to say you never know when things will hit, and pass. My DD was very hard work till she was 5 (constantly defiant and having massive tantrums, pretty much from birth she was a screamer). I was dreading the teen years but since 5 she's been pretty delightful and she's 15 now. My niece is similar age and going through a very very hard time but she was OK at 9/10. It's very hard when you're in it and sometimes/ often there isn't an explanation. Lots of love is the only way to get through it.

My 9yo is very similar. I’ve found audio books to be really helpful. Your library might have an account with borrow box which is amazing and you can listen to them for free.

we’ve taken the pressure of sleep away which has helped. focus is on getting some quiet rest rather than being asleep by a specific time.

Lots in her year are similar apparently!