How do you handle tantrums?

[TantrumTrouble]

I am a FTM. My 16 month old has started, well, loosing her shit the past week or so. I have been able to distract her for the most part but today she wasn’t having any of it and started slapping/nipping me when I tried to redirect her.

How do you deal with this? I want to take a firm/clear approach from the off so I don’t confuse her.

She's 16 months, you don't need to be firm at this age. She's telling you she has a need, you need to work out what it is. As she moves towards 2 the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen' is really helpful.

In terms of her hitting etc, just a calm 'no thank you' is sufficient, then move on like you say you've been doing.

Just getting out of the tantrums now, so I’m still a little wounded lol but I survived DC2’s terrible
two’s (just turned 3).

I agree with PP, I found the best approach was to stay calm (sounds so simply, but the hardest part IMO) and use minimal words. When little ones get in the thick of their tantrums, they can’t really take anything in anyway. I’d usually just sit on the floor at a bit of distance, saying a few short sentences, but generally just gently encouraging calm. Then when he calmed down, I explained ‘we don’t do blah blah because blah blah’ cuddles and move on.

As you say OP, firm, clear and also consistent. I also always mention some ground rules before we go out as DS’s gotten older. Tantrums in public: DS knew very quickly that we would be going home. Not in a shaming or punitive way, but tantrums in public are next level and I’ve never felt compelled to put myself through that 🤣. My DD1 was an angel, DS2 is my karma for being such a smug little so and so.

I’d also throw the book “no drama discipline” into the mix, some great points.

Mine has never tantrummed so I don't know if my response to grabbing/hitting would be helpful but this is how I deal with my toddler (2.5 years)

(I will just say here that I don't think my son never tantrumming has anything to do with my parenting- I think don't children are tantrummers and some aren't and it's just one of those things. Mine tests me daily in plenty of other ways! And his tantrumming days might simply be yet to arrive!)

Today he grabbed my face when he was getting overexcited. I immediately pulled away, showed my (genuine) shock and pain. He stopped in his tracks. I said very firmly "no! We do not grab people. That hurts me!" Then I said "I think there might be something you could say now to help me feel better because I'm feeling very sad." He said "sorry mummy" and gave me a cuddle. As soon as he did that I said "thank you that's so nice, I feel better now. Remember we don't..." and he replied "grab people." Then I switched straight back to everything being light and fun again. All forgotten and move on.

I do this with anything like hitting or grabbing.

Also today (not quite tantrumming but acting really silly and getting hyper so might be a helpful tactic), he was getting restless and silly in a cafe and lolling about on his chair, waving his hands around while people are having hot drinks, started to get hyper and a bit loud. I warned him once, then twice, to sit nicely on his bottom because he might knock something off the table. The third time I removed him from the cafe and took him to a quiet spot away from people outside and had a stern word.

As before I get him to repeat back to me what I've said so it's understood. "When we go back to the café what are we going to do?" "Sit on our bottoms on the chair." Then again snap straight back to light and fun again. I think it's important they see that if they're listening to you, everything is pleasant and fun. If they're not listening, the fun stops. I always physically remove him from the situation to really highlight this.

16 months is still so young and tbh at that age I just wouldn't feed a tantrum. Let her rage it out, make sure she's safe, remove yourself if she's lashing out at you and keep what you say simple "no, we don't hit/kick/bite" then move away/move her off you. As soon as she stops tantrumming I'd go full on with attention and fun, straight back to playing with her.

@SErunner It’s not that I didn’t know what she needed, she was having a meltdown because I wouldn’t let her play in the dogs bowls.

After my distraction technique failed, I decided to pick her up and move us into the living room away from the dog bowls, out of sight out of mind and all. That didn’t seem to work either as she proceeded to scream and bang on the living room door. It passed eventually, but I am just not sure what I am meant to be doing whilst she is in mid meltdown.

@MummaMummaJumma How long would you sit on the floor and encourage calm? As long as it takes or is there a limit?

@Sticksareforlookingat Thanks for the advice about letting her rage it out. She had a tantrum once for nearly 45 minutes, I felt like I had lost control of the situation as I was practically pleading with her to calm down and wondering if she needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Thanks all for advice, I’ll look into the books.

Huge old fashioned playpen at home.

I would pick up tantrumming child and place in playpen and let them get in with it whilst I occupied myself with a chore nearby etc.

If we were out, no matter where we were, we immediately left so that others were not subjected to the screaming.

I found both tactics worked very well for mine as they quickly realised that screaming didn't get them the attention they thought they would get.

Both only ever had a few tantrums.

@TantrumTrouble honestly hun, some of them were long. I’d just have to ride it out with him. Trying to cuddle etc made it worse, but each time I noticed by staying calm (as one possibly can with a toddler screaming), and staying near by, the tantrum time was less and less. My son was also a headbanger (fun 🤪), luckily this only lasted a short while as I just moved him somewhere safe and noticed that just before he slammed his head down, he’d slightly slow down before impact, so I didn’t panic. Little ones are learning boundaries, and how far they can push us. They also feel very overwhelmed with the emotions that flood them when they can’t do something, it probably feels like their whole world is falling apart. Have a look at co-regulation parenting. This too shall pass, but it’s bloody hard when it the thick of it!