“Good” 5 year old gone “bad”

[HellPMe]

I am beside myself, really at wits end and scared quite frankly. My DD (5) has always been one of those kids who were never babyish and whose cognitive understating seemed beyond her years. Only child, great imagination, very loving etc. Started school in Sept and settled well. But after school and some other times - OMG!! It’s like having a different child. She suddenly is abusive to me/ whacking me, saying I’m stinky, not listening and bawling her eyes out if I can’t arrange a play date in the spot. It’s hard to explain but she goes really bonkers, really extreme emotions - hyper and then crying at the drop of a hat. Poking other parents. Reverts to baby talk and is obsessive re dinosaurs.

I am fairly calm and offer hugs and don’t shout etc. But sometimes I can’t take it and ask her what’s wrong (knowing full well that answering that is beyond her years really) and start to feel disregulated and upset.

Her dad is separated from me and has her weekends. In a nutshell, he’s a dick. Spoils her but also can turn on her - as in telling her off for essentially being a child.

I have no idea if her behaviour is normal. I certainly don’t see other kids doing or saying anything like this. Also wondering about ND or trauma from two homes/parenting styles etc

Any help or advice appreciated

I think its fairly standard for a 5 year old. When they generally speak and seem to behave in a more mature way, it's more of a shock, I think. Mine was very similar at that age. It took me a good while to get my head around it.

Home with you is a safe place after holding it in all day.

@TeabySea wow, that’s reassuring, thank you. I’ve just returned to her bedroom after her saying she hated me, and she’s all loving again. Just riding the waves I guess?

Starting school is a massive shock to their little systems and it can take the whole of reception, even longer, to adjust and really find their feet with things like sitting still, being ready to learn and finding people they can play with.

Read about restraint collapse

I could have written this. My DS was 5 in November. He’s always been such a good boy, rarely tantrums, eager to please etc. The last few weeks he’s been awful. Screaming if he doesn’t get his own way, throwing toys at people if they get in his way, horrendous temper tantrums. I’m hoping it’s a phase as it’s not very nice!!!

She may be bright and articulate but emotionally she’s still 5. And starting school is exhausting for them. Had she been in nursery before?

Hard to tell from your post but could be ND. Seeming older than her years can be related to this. Early to talk and read? Almost hyper imaginative? Good at school then terrible at home?

Could be something else of course. Either way, sounds like she needs ways to feel more regulated.

She could be overwhelmed. At her age she might have lots of seemingly sophisticated language etc but often there's no huge depth of understanding. It's best to avoid asking a dysregulated kid of 5 what is wrong. Instead frame it for them. Tell them what is wrong and what will happen to solve the problem. They don't feel safe if they can't feel their adults are in charge. For example, 'I want playdate' screaming ensues, get to her level and look her in the eye and hold hand saying, 'I see you are sad, we are going home for toast, play date a different time' (or whatever). Or if they are really creating merry hell don't use words just mirror their emotions back at them, 'uh oh, it's sad, oh dear, we are going now'. Look into the the 'Emotion Coaching' approach, it's great.

My youngest son is exactly the same after starting school in September. He’s very sensitive and quiet and doesn’t like a noisy environment and I imagine a class of thirty 4-5 year olds would be manic. He’s copying some things he sees and hears in class and pushing boundaries. I try to distract him and explain how his actions and words make me and DH feel. His behaviour seems better when he’s done some sort of exercise- we always walk to and from school and will go the park or play in the garden some evenings if the weather’s ok. I’ve also started giving them dinner earlier as hanger makes things much worse!!

My sister's little boy has been exactly the same after starting school in September. He was also in full time nursery previously so not like he wasn't slightly prepared - it's just a huge shock and the exhaustion is real. He's getting loads better now. She finds giving him some quality 1-1 time when they get home helps. But basically they're just learning to regulate their emotions and you gotta ride the wave a bit.
Sounds really hard OP, dreading it with my own kids 🙈

Thank you all. I think yes, maybe as she’s articulate that we have expectations beyond her capability emotionally. I’m usually pretty aware of all that (her father is terrible at it / saying things like “you’re 5 now, big girls don’t cry etc” 😳😳. Which I find horrific. And would confuse her more.

I totally never would usually ask her what’s wrong - like I said, I know that’s unreasonable. But many gentle parenting “reframing” techniques backfire on her - she’ll just attack me, tell me to get away from her and that I’m making it worse. She does calm down, my heart just breaks at how she must be feeling.

It’s comforting to hear similar stories. She had been at nursery but with far fewer children and in a nurturing environment with hugs etc. The reception teacher is quite a no-shit male which isn’t great for her…

@minipie that's what I tried and failed to articulate. Linguistically my DC was ahead of peers, very articulate with a great vocabulary but emotionally exactly the same as all other 4 and 5 year old.

The reception teacher is quite a no-shit male which isn’t great for her…

This sounds important, as you say her behaviour has changed since starting school, and she is emotionally disregulated and seems very unsettled.

Look up and download some resources online you can use to help discuss her feelings, there are plenty, and some include drawing or game playing to make it less like a direct conversation.Might mean she gives you some reasons.
I think people are underestimating a 5yo's ability to describe what's going on for them somewhat here....and asking what's wrong is important (even if in a more indirect way eg; 'Mummy has noticed you are seeming quite sad and angry at the moment, and I was wondering why that might be' If you don't ask how are you opening up an opportunity for her to tell you 🤔 aslong as you don't push her too hard.

If she has a 'dick' as a dad, another disciplinarian stern male might feel too much and very triggering for her.
Also, a child's first reception teacher should be nurturing, caring, accomodating and sensitive.That is so important.Yes school is a massive transition, and my little girl struggled enough even with a wonderful teacher who was all the above, but it seems there's more going on here that needs addressing.She has been at school for some time now and it's obviously getting worse not better, as would be expected as she becomes more settled.

I would seriously be considering changing her class or if that's not possible even her school....she has to see this man every day and if he is not meeting her emotional needs that could be impacting on her massively.

What is she like going into school, any reluctance there?

@Twolittleloves oooh good point, thank you… hadn’t put that together. Well I’ve actually watched him in action, the teacher, he’s a lovely man, but DD has a strong preference for the female teaching assistants, and I can tell she’s not confident speaking up to him. Think this stems from her father (she is confident calling him out but he’s unpredictable)… she has settled in well otherwise ie a “perfect” child at school. Has friends but think plays on own a lot, as she did at nursery.

Yes I do try to angle for what’s wrong and she’ll often pipe up at bedtime with any grievances; which I’ve helped sort with her. Hasn’t had any like that recently (apart from with her father; so again that may be the link)… only at school that’s she’s really bored, but will then reel off fun things they’ve done.

I’m happy with the school and she’s settled so think changing her would cause more upset.

So hard, I put loads of pressure on myself to make up for her dad being crap, us separated, her an only child etc, that I’m feeling I’m failing her.