Violent 3 year old

[Maccaandy]

Hi all, I’m really struggling with my 3 year old. He has violent outbursts, possibly once a week, where he throws a tantrum but ends up hitting teachers as well as my wife and I. He throws things at us, and bites us. The nursery he’s in have said he can only be in for an hour at a time because they can’t handle his outburst.

The nursery have said there aren’t any developmental issues to be worried about. But he can’t control his emotions when he gets so heightened.

We’ve engaged a child psychologist to review the situation, and are currently awaiting a report. She has verbally said that there are no obvious signs of developmental issues. I really need some advice about what to do when he’s so violent though - I’m hoping he will grow out of this.

I’ve read a lot online, but most things tell you what not to do when they get violent, not what to do.

When he’s at such a state where he’s hitting and biting we take him to his room and sit with him. If he hits us, or throws anything at us, we step out of the room, shut the door, and leave him for 1 minute. We go back in to talk to him and he goes for us again, so we step out of the room. This can go on for 30-45 mins. Eventually he will regulate and be the sweetest loving child you could ever have met.

are there any tips on how to handle a violent child? Anyone been through this and come out the other side. It’s putting such a strain on our family, I’m totally at a desperate stage. Not having him in nursery too is killing us because we both work. I really need some help.

I’ve been through this. Much easier now at 5, but managing and regulating emotions still a challenge. And he’s very bright with no developmental issues at all.
Some things we’ve tried with varying degrees of success:

• breathing exercise. Two I like are start breathing, where they trace the splayed fingers of their hand breathing in and out slowly and smelling a birthday cake (deep breath in) and blowing out candles (short puffed exhalations).
• Sometimes a tight bear hug, sitting on the floor, and restraining him. This only works of you can keep yourself calm enough for it to not feel like you’re fighting him but that you’re soothing him, which isn’t always easy when things are that high.
• have a mantra that you repeat, mine is ‘safe and happy’, ie we all have a right to be safe and happy, so I need to hold you here so that we can all be safe and happy.
• change of face. If it’s getting too much or not working with one parent, then another takes over with no judgement or shame.
• change of place. Particularly effective if you can move them outdoors as the fresh air seems to change the mood really well.
• above all, just trying to stay calm. This is a do as I say not as I do situation, because I have lost my rag more times than I care to recall. But if you can stay calm then you can consider the situation in terms of keeping everyone safe and trying to understand the triggers or emotional needs being expressed rather than seeing it as naughtiness and reacting in that way. But it takes super human strength sometimes.

Take any and all help offered. Parenting courses etc through the HV can be good, particularly just for helping you clarify your thoughts and get on the same page as any co-parent.

Also crucially, don’t blame yourself. Some children are just more tricky than others. That’s how it is.

we have written a one page profile for my child with school. If you google them, they can really help make sure all adults having the same idea of their difficulties and the same responses to their outbursts. This predictability might hopefully reduce the violent episodes which are possibly driven by anxiety and uncertainty.

sending strength. It is very very hard!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. It’s really helpful, and fully appreciate the support.

My ds had this when he started school. He saw a play therapist at school he taught him to use a swimming noodle to whack things and vent his fruatration/emotions. So at home he would whack his bed for a bit, or the walls if he was in that angry mode. There was also an alternative suggestion of dropping a yellow pages, but yellow pages were pretty rare by then!

He was basically told he could whack with the noodle but he was not to harm himself or anyone else...that was the rule.

The noodle was used for about 4mths and then he just got out of this odd stage and was completely fine. COuld be something to try....give him an alternative outlet and just let him express it...but in a safe way.

Super useful. Just purchased a noodle from Amazon.

My sister is a teacher and she said that children she’s supported who are going through this can be taught to punch downwards. Same idea as @Valhalla17, not to hurt themselves or others or damage the room, but just find something soft and punch downwards.
my sons school also use the Zones of Regulation. I don’t love it, but don’t hate it either. Might be worth looking up. Sounds like he has lots of red zone moments and there are strategies that go with each zone to try to get back to the green zone where you said he mostly is.