Defiance, back chat and sass

[Mamabear04]

DD has just turned 4 years old and I I struggling to know how to parent this new phase of childhood. I mainly don't know how to deal with it when she back chats (what should I say?), refusal to do something when I ask (how do I get her to do what I ask?) Etc. She is going through a phase where she has realised when she wants to do something she can and just does it and when I stop her all hell breaks loose. For instance today I was hanging up the washing she started jumping on it, I told her not to and that it will make it dirty, she said OK but then started doing it again and so I said she ca t help, she then tried to stop her 19mo baby brother "helping" and then just picked up the washing and absolutely stopped listening. Little instances like this seem to be happening more and more frequently and I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with them. Any advice would be fantastic!

What consequences are there for her behaving this way?

So that's something I'm finding a bit tricky as I'm not sure what's age appropriate anymore (partly why I'm asked for advice). When she did this today I told her to go to her room and play quietly (she doesn't like to be by herself but DP was working from home in the room next door with the door open). She refused so I said in a very stern voice to do it again and she did. After about 5 mins I took DS upstairs to hang the rest of the washing up (so much washing, so little space!) She said "oh hi guys" like nothing had happened and I told her to go back in her room. DS follows and she starts acting up in very small ways like goading DS to play a run and jump onto the bed game (risk of banging heads on the wall), etc and then I just ended up shouting at her (not my finest moment). I usually try to enforce a consequence ie if you throw your toys, I'll put the toys away and you won't get to play with them etc but for this behaviour I don't feel it's working if that makes sense? I'm just not sure how to effectively parent it.

How does your parenting work generally - are you open to punishments/discipline, or more along the lines of gentle parenting and 'natural consequences'?

If your 4yo is doing something problematic, you've told her not to and told her why you've said that, and then she keeps on doing it - well she clearly knows it's wrong, so it's either time to issue a punishment for that disobedience, or to figure our what a natural consequence to that behaviour would be.

Thinking it through in natural consequence terms - well you probably need to take that washing and re-wash it and then hang it up again later. So you have less time to spend with her doing something fun, and when she asks you explain "no I can't play with you/we can't go to the park - I have to do the washing again where you made it dirty". You don't trust her to help hang out washing, or to help with other jobs. "Sorry you can't help mummy with this because you didn't listen to instructions, you jumped on the washing when I told you not to, I can't trust you to listen to what I say".

If she's going to behave like a very young toddler who doesn't understand instructions, you need to treat her like that and she doesn't get to be a big girl who helps with jobs and does fun things with you.

I've always been a consequences type of discipline parent. I have tried confiscating toys and limiting treats as a punishment and they never helped her behaviour so I just don't think they help with her now.

I think the consequences thing isn't working anymore though if I'm honest. I feel she is at an age where what she is doing is verging on naughty and I don't want to let that slide. I'm not sure how to navigate it as neither consequences or punishments seem to work...am I missing another way?