Nursery worker suggesting I need to discipline?

[ART2022]

Looking for some advice after a comment made to me by a member of staff at my daughter’s nursery.

My daughter is 20 months old and when I collected her yesterday, a member of staff said she needed ‘a word’. My daughter has been playing with a Teddy that another child had wanted, when the child tried to take it off her she shouted ‘no’ and threw the Teddy, which hit the child on the head. Obviously it didn’t hurt the child as it was a soft toy but could have done if it was anything else.

The staff member asked what we do in this situation at home. I was a bit unsure as it hasn’t come up at home but said if she’s done something wrong I try to explain to her why. she followed up say that most parents would tell their child off and she encourages the kids at nursery to kiss and say sorry in an example like this.

I’m feeling conflicted about what she said. I’m not a ‘gentle parent’ to the point where I’ll never tell her no, but I also don’t think a telling off at this age feels quite right. I feel uncomfortable with forcing her to kiss another kid. Do they understand saying sorry at this age. Is that something I should start encouraging? Her speech is pretty good and she can put 2 words together but would she understand the meaning?

Any help appreciated.

No to kissing, yes to saying sorry, yes to explaining no throwing things at people and that it might frighten or hurt her friends.

My son is a few months older and when he does something we don’t like (ie hitting or something a bit dangerous) we would say “no” and then explain why not, but at least use the word no. Nursery say “not nice”. I’m not sure that he fully understands but he does understand the word no. We are now teaching him to say sorry too.

Kiss and say sorry isn’t appropriate at all. I would be discussing this will management.

If this happened with my child in front of me I would tell my child that we don’t throw toys at people and if we do something wrong we say sorry. At 20 months I wouldn’t expect them to be capable of saying sorry but I would say “Jack, Emily is sorry for throwing the toy. Are you OK?”.

I wouldn't be thrilled with the kissing at all and I'd be making that known but I don't see any issues with encouraging a child to say sorry because that's the societal norm when you've done something wrong just like we encourage children to say please and thank you.

At the risk of sounding like a 5 year old the other child started it by trying to take the teddy. I'd be telling my child no, don't throw things at people but then I'd be telling the other child no, don't snatch things.

Kissing no, but if she’s capable of saying the word sorry then yes I’d expect them to be encouraging to say sorry.

At 20 months I’d keep the explanation as short as possible. A firm ‘no, you do not throw things.’ Is probably as much as they can take in at that age.

I really can’t believe a nursery worker is telling toddlers they should kiss each other to say sorry.
That’s totally inappropriate.

Tbf to the nursery we don’t know that they didn’t. But they aren’t going to tell the OP that.

This. You can't go into long explanations at this age. It's also OK to understand that there are rules which are followed (eg. Walking indoors not screaming, indoor voices not screaming, gentle hands not throwing/hitting) even you don't always understand why.

Where I work we always ask the child to say sorry. Partly that reinforces that they've hurt someone. We encourage them if they can't talk to gently stroke the other child and we say 'gentle hands' but it's good to introduce the word to them.

To be honest, the fact the nursery spoke to you about how you deal with things at home suggests that she maybe doesn't understand boundaries rather than this specific incident being a massive issue (it's not, it's very common). Is she told 'no' or 'stop' and does she generally respond? If she doesn't, is there any form of consequence. Eg. If she threw her food on the floor, what would you do? If she was splashing in the bath so it was going all over the floor and you asked her to stop, would she? And what would you do if she didn't?

Ps. Whilst I don't encourage children to kiss, we're not talking a full on snog! I can see where the nursery are coming from - it's just an expression of love and care which they understand as such. It won't continue past about 3/4 when they can say sorry properly and understand better how they've hurt someone.

Kissing no. But at 20 months absolutely teach her this is wrong. She may not get it at first but she will eventually. I wouldn't call it discipline but if you don't start now when is the right age?

as other have said, agree with saying sorry and being firm about no throwing but a hard no to kissing(!).....not least the nursery staff should be aware this may not go down well with ND kids and could provoke an angry response. Remember you may have a baby sibling alongside your toddler at some point and its really important that no throwing rules or other aggressive behaviour is drilled in from an early age --- I'm sure we have all met parents who excuse their kids hitting other children, biting, throwing sand in other kids eyes etc. See the many threads on soft play incidents for further info!

Telling her not to throw a toy because it may hurt someone or break is not 'telling off', it's helping her to understand how we all conduct ourselves and why. Nice to say sorry but a bit weird to encourage kissing tbh.

I think the kissing is weird and saying sorry completely pointless at this age. I would say something like ‘don’t throw’ (and also ‘don’t snatch’ to the other kid). If it happened again I would remove the toy. At this age all they understand is the tone of disapproval and the consequence. It’s very important to keep it short and not make a song and dance as some kids enjoy the attention. There is a risk of this if you try to enforce contrition and also the problem of what you do if the kid refuses to say sorry.

Forcing her to kiss another kid...how weird. God, some of these Nursery teachers have no boundaries. I have a 6 month old and recently went to a Nursery show round where there staff encourage the children to call them "auntie". When you went in they had a board up saying "on shift today is Auntie Karen and Auntie Emma". I don't think so... surprised OFSTED haven't asked them to stop doing that.

Kissing? Absolutely not nursery kids are germy at the best of times

I'd be raising this with management and if that is their policy, I'd be moving nursery!

Starting so young with teaching her she has no consent or control over her body, who touches her or what she has to do back is fucking awful!!! A groomers dream!

An explanation as to why something is wrong is utterly lost on a 20 month old. Empathy doesn’t develop until around 4. A firm ‘no’ and removal of the toy is the right approach. It’s not a protracted telling off but equally it isn’t leaving them bemused with word salad.

Nursery used to say ‘no thank you’ to unwanted behaviour. Both kids should’ve been told no. I don’t think you need to explain in detail that that age, it’s no, and remove them from the situation.

has keyworker come from a room with older kids?

She's a baby, a simple no is fine at this age. Obviously if she was persistently throwing then you might remove the item or move her away. No to kissing total strangers. Maybe a hug if they were actually friends (say age 3+) and both wanted to.

Fair point, they should both have been told no. But kissing? Ffs.

If we were talking about a 3 year old then okay, but your Dd is still a baby and probably barely understands the word sorry. Encouraging her to show some affection and play nicely, explaining not to throw is okay but making her say sorry is a bit much at that age, unless she’s very very advanced with language.
Making a child kiss another child is a huge no, and I’d be discussing that with the manager.

I’m not in the UK but if I had told a child to kiss another child I would have lost my job immediately, never to return despite four years at uni.

Both children were in the wrong, and this is just the sort of rough justice that toddlers engage in. Yes I would tell my dc not to throw things, I would also tell them not to take toys from other children. I resume the nursery worker spoke to the children at the time, and if so i don't really understand why they spoke to you about it at all.

You can explain all you like but she is a baby still and won't understand. My two didn't understand the word no until they were at least six months older, if not a year older. And even then I always focused on carrot not stick, and praising good behaviour, sticker charts and so on, time outs and letting them calm down if they were angry. But all that is to come - not for now.

Personally I would separate the two babies and distract them. DD2 went through a phase of biting at 18 months/two and I was dreading her doing this at pre-school but she grew out of it by then.

Also at nursery they should be teaching them to take turns (which they get - eventually) but obviously having a toy they are enjoying taken off them is upsetting. Distraction of the other child with something else is much easier, then trying to make sure he gets a go with the teddy later.

And sometimes we expect (very small) children to be better than adults. We generally get quite annoyed if someone takes a thing or experience away that we are enjoying!