How to help my nearly 6 year old being so upset when he looses!

[Jude28]

Hi, conscious this isn’t the first post on this topic but I couldn’t see any advice on the previous post I looked at so thought I’d see if there might be any top tips from some fellow mums.

In short I have two boys ages 3 and 6. They are both active with lots of energy and so we are out and about most weekends and during the week my eldest plays a variety of sports (football, rugby etc) at his school in the after school clubs. The issue is he absolutely hates loosing to the point where he had to be taken home by our helper from tennis the other day as he threw such a tantrum and was crying so much. Unfortunately I work full time and so wasn’t there to see how bad it was but at tennis in particular it seems to be a regular occurrence. I know this is not particularly unusual for his age but recently it’s felt quite extreme. He gets very angry, hates saying sorry more generally and just doesn’t handle his emotions well - again understandable for his age I know!

From my perspective I am glad he has a competitive streak and wants to win / succeed but I obviously want to ensure he enjoys the game no matter what Also to understand that you don’t always win at things and that’s okay. Pick yourself up, practice more, get better and crack on etc. I’ve empathized and said I know it doesn’t feel nice to loose and mummy doesn’t win at things all the time either. I’ve aLeo ignored the bahviour and at times said stop being so dramatic. I’ve tried to play board games to help him getting used to winning/loosing and nothing seems to work in the moment!

Hopefully he’ll grow out of it but I wonder if there is something else I should try - top tips etc. If I am totally honest at times it’s a tad embarrassing when the other kids just get on with it. I also don’t want him to be so upset, so appreciate any advice.

thanks!

Tennis is so public and solo it's no surprise that many of them lose if, when they lose! So different and more visible a loss to a team sport.

I think it's v v normal tho he might be extreme in his reaction and unfortunately it's the experience of repeated losing that gets us good at it, good at losing I mean, not the sport! And in turn that brings resilience. My ds was the same and still finds it stings, especially with younger brother, but he's quicker to recover now and holds it together better in public, while muttering and mumbling in annoyance. I sometimes said 'If you're not enjoying it there is no need to play it' and personally would give one warning if a tennis racquet was thrown say, and home. I won't put up with that, completely unacceptable. I've noticed tennis coaches more relaxed about it as they've seen it all, they'll just have a chat and let them cool off and go again then. He's only small at 6, he'll get there.

Instead of praising him for how well he is doing, praise for effort instead. It's one of the tips I was given when encouraging reluctant children that winning is not everything.

Get the coach on board as well. If we always praise for results, it can be hard for little ones to understand that they have value other than as a winner. Their sense of self gets tied up in the euphoria of winning. So even if they lose, a good effort, you've improved your serve etc can show the positive sides of not coming first every time.

Believe me, I've been there with competitive gymnasts. We still have to play board games and sometimes the board does get flipped when things don't go their way, but games are a really good way to teach acknowledging and managing the feeling.

Nothing is more unappealing as you grow up than a bad loser. Firm parenting needed. Don't indulge him at all as it's such an unpleasant trait to show and can snowball. I'm not sure why you're pleased you are raising an intensely competitive child. I would be concerned at the lack of good sportsmanship.

With my DS I had a targeted plan of action for this because it drove me mad. I started off by modelling good losing for ages and ages, and teaching him how to be a good winner when he “beat” DH by saying “it’s ok,
you played really well dad”. Me and DH would shake his hand and say “good game, well done”.

we then introduced ‘best out of three’ and would let DS win two rounds, so he got some practice at losing whilst still ‘winning’ over all. Once he was managing that well we started allowing him to not always win, but reminding him he knew how to behave when he didn’t win.

sounds like overkill but he is autistic and needed this approach.

This sounds really good parenting. Supportive but firm. Modelling being a good loser would definitely be a good idea.

We had a weekly family game night with boundaries for tantrums. Bad losers didn't get to play. We played plenty of games of chance where anyone could win or lose, so everyone got practice at both.

You get to be good at losing by doing it lots.

Grassroots football sorted this for my son. You say he plays sport at an after school club but that’s not a team. Is there a local football team he can join? Ours was very good at helping them lose well. It wasn’t an overnight fix, there were still a lot of grumpy car journeys home, but it got significantly less bad quickly.

Thank you. He does play football and rugby and I think the team bit is encouraged more there for obvious reasons but glad to know grumpy car journeys aren’t just an experience we’ve had. Thanks for your reply! 😊

Thank you. I’d say our attempts at board games are a bit hit and miss at the money. I like the idea of a family game night and will look at introducing that to make it more of a regular thing! Thanks 👍

Thank you for the advice. I actually thought of this - perhaps on weekends as all having a knock about on the tennis court, taking it in turns to loose without getting emotional will hopefully help to show him how best to behave and ack we don’t always win etc. thank you! 😊

Validate how he's feeling. Tell him you know it's upsetting when he loses and that's normal. Let him know that almost everyone feels disappointed when they lose and even top players lose. Its a natural feeling. He can't help how he feels but he can learn to react better.
Maybe give him some coping strategies. Like, If he loses, he should take 3 deep breaths then shake hands.

Thanks for your thoughts. My husband and I are both former military and I’d say we our approach to parenting does certainly come with boundaries. I personally think it is healthy to be competitive and it’s not a case of raising an intensely competitive child - he’s 6 and that’s part of his personality. However I agree good sportsmanship is essential and the team sports he plays are part of the approach we want to encourage in learning to play well as a team. I’d say he’s a great team player tbh, but just doesn’t seem to have worked out how to loose well, which is why I posted here, on the hope of getting some tips in case we were missing anything. Thank for your thoughts

A very valid point thank you. I’m fishing work early next week to get to see him play and will try and ensure both the coach and I work on praising him for his effort levels which are always 100% a great tip, thanks again! 🙏

Thank you for your thoughts. You’re right I think tennis is a particularly tricky game - there’s one winner (often his friend he plays with) and one loser (him) so that obviously bothers him. Resilience as you say is key and one of the biggest areas I try and focus on - we never know whether they will be great at sport, academic or not, so the best thing I can do is build in that resilience and part of that will be learning how to loose. Muttering under his breath is to come I think, a the moment it’s slightly louder 😂🙈 - he’s not thrown a racket yet, it’s more getting red and flustered and upset - as you say he’s only young and he’ll get there. Thanks for taking the time to post 👍😊

We've also used some growth mindset and talked to our DC about how (in games of skill and/or athleticism) the games you lose are the ones you learn from. An easy win feels good but it teaches you nothing. My older DC is into chess and when he gets thrashed by an adult we always say "excellent, you will have learned a lot from that game".

I did exactly this too, played best of three games where he was allowed to win and the over exaggerated modelling of a good winner really worked quickly and DS followed suit and was quickly saying 'good game, maybe you'll win next time' we did quick games that didn't take too long or involve skill, like Dobble, Uno, snakes and ladders.

I do still struggle with getting stubborn DS to apologise though, if anyone has hints on that one. I usually just apologise on his behalf, which takes the pressure off and avoids a meltdown and he is more likely to apologise now since I started that, but other tips welcome.

Thank you. I have tried this and will do more. As you say he can’t help how he feels but he can help how he reacts. I use the breathing technique on my 3 year old when he’s having a tantrum - I’ll reintroduce it to my oldest as I think that will help. Thanks for the reply 👍

This is helpful and something we do when he plays rugby on a Sat morning. It’s been more challenging as my husband and I aren’t often able to make tennis but we are going to try and get away early to watch a few of his lessons and I’ll use that as an opportunity to talk about what he did well, his effort levels and so on! 👍

Some good advice above but I would equally stress how to behave when you're a winner - nobody likes to play with a gloaty winner or a sore loser.

I've tried to get mine to understand more broadly that although everyone does enjoy winning, we ultimately play things together for shared enjoyment. And that enjoyment very quickly gets spoiled if anyone (winner or loser) behaves badly. We all have to lose sometimes, and that being able to be one of the kids who is able to lose well (and win well) will mean you'll always have plenty of others happy to play games and sport with you because they know you'll be a good sport. Always finish with a handshake and a compliment as a habit so that you know exactly what to do even in the moments you really don't feel like it.

We did this too but for every day things as well - who can bundle the most socks, who can pack the toys away fastest etc

Play Games as pairs so he has adult support whether he wins or loses.

Remind before each game, some of us will won, some of us will lose. I wonder who it will be this time?

Point out some games are pure chance, others are about having a skill, others are a mixture.

If the point of a game is to win, then you’ve wasted the time you played whenever you lose. Point out playing is fun, and the purpose is to spend time with each other, not to see who is best/who wins. It’s also about practicing skills. It’s not just about winning.

Short games = less time for stress and tension to build up.

It’s all a bit emotional and complicated. Understanding all that really helps.

In our house we have very much ignored the win/lose outcome. We all said week done to the winner but far more importance to comments on our enjoyment of the game, nice to be together, what shall we play next time etc.

Random but have you watched the new series of Gladiators? We’ve been watching it with DD who is also not a great loser, and pointing out how the Gladiators are always nice when they win or lose, they hug the competitors and say something nice about them (and how Legend always talks about how good he is and that’s not nice!)