Feeling some regret at having second child :(

[Snowdrop80]

I have name changed for this because I feel awful writing these words and I can’t tell anyone in real life without sounding like a terrible mum.

DS1 is 4 and is in reception. It’s half term this week. DS2 is 17 months old. I’ve had a couple of days off work to spend some quality time with DS1 and go to the cinema, soft play etc while DS2 is at the childminders where he would usually go on a mon/tues while I’m at work. It’s been an absolute dream. DS1 is so easy and I feel calm and happy. When I’ve got DS2 with me I feel stressed and overwhelmed all of the time.

I love them both equally so I hate saying this but sometimes I regret choosing to have a second child because I’m not coping well most of the time. DS2 is a very whingy, velcro baby who wants carrying on my hip all of the time. He is breastfed and I wanted to stop soon but he seems to be breastfeeding now more than ever. He has never slept through the night and wakes multiple times. The poor little love also has a couple of heart conditions which will need surgery in two years but in the meantime he gets unwell a lot. Still not properly walking other than a few steps here and there which I don’t think is helping the whinging we because he gets frustrated quickly. I can’t go out in an evening because he won’t accept DH putting him to bed and screams and screams for me. I can’t sleep train him because his cardiologist has advised me not to but I couldn’t do it anyway. DS1 also has his challenges as he is autistic but he’s at an age where he’s now more independent and so fun to be around. I struggle to deal with both of them together because both of them want my attention all of the time in different ways and I get overwhelmed and end up snapping at DS1 and then I feel guilty all the time for not being good enough for both of them.

I’ve seen a few posts where people have said that they feel like they regret having a second baby but this is when the baby is usually really young, not 17 months old. I feel like it should be getting easier by now and it’s not. I think I’m just looking for reassurance that it will get better.

I know where you're coming from and sometimes have a similar feeling of how easy life would be. And I don't face the extra difficulties you're facing. I just keep thinking that there will come a time when dc2 is out of nappies, no longer naps, speaks more, and we can do certain activities as a family that we can currently only do with eldest. And they have such a lovely bond and will always have each other. This stage is temporary and it will get easier.

@Pantheon thank you for your reassuring words ❤️ I will try and keep reminding myself that it’s temporary. It’s just felt hard for so long

My grandmother was an incredible stoic lady. Her first born was born with a heart defect and spent very little on his 9 years with her outside of the hospital. My mum came along a few years later and 16 months after that my Auntie. My grandmother only took 1 paracetamol a day with hip damage that the surgeons usually saw with people on morphine. Yet she still spoke about how hard it was when they were all small managing my uncles condition with two other children. Having health stuff to factor in takes away the extra capacity that most people usually for juggling life so do cut yourself some slack. 17 months is still little and reliant on you for meeting their communication needs and they are still getting settled on their feet. I think you will see an improvement over the next 6 months. My daughter got a lot easier once she could communicate her needs. She was exhausting at 2 because she only communicated by pointing and with the best will in the world everyone else needed us to translate her points for her to communicate with grandparents for example. It doesn't sound like much but it was like this constant low power drain on my energy. I could never get lost in activity as I always needed half an eye on her and her needs. It coincided with a gap in childcare that didn't help.

That constant low level drain with the low level drain of managing health conditions. It doesn't leave a lot for you and you need time to catch your breath especially if you never get that break with bed time either. My daughter is 3.5 and it's literally only been in the last 2 months she has accepted my partner at bedtime! You will get there. It's ok to not find things easy. It's ok to wonder what you are doing and why. You will get there but do reach out for help. is your HV of any use? I'm about to start counselling with my HV. MH daughters paediatrician put us back in touch with her to help me.with my daughters allergies and reflux and my other health issues. She has offered me some sessions with her to talk through life. She's just done the training so not sure how it will go but I hadn't thought that could be on offer.

Obligatory caveat that I love both my children... but I totally understand how you feel. It's horrible feeling so overwhelmed all the time and I often feel like I'm failing one or both of them constantly. I'm envious when I see parents of only children having what appear to be lovely stress free family days out.

I think the sleep thing is a big factor. Neither of mine are great at sleeping but last night they miraculously synced up and both did a decent stretch of sleep. It made so much difference and everything was so much easier.

DC1 was a velcro baby at that age, and it's so difficult coping with the whinging and physically challenging always carrying. Now lots better, though will lapse when unwell or if we've not spent quality time together. I try and use DC2's nap time to do a very concentrated 1-1 activity with DC1, think painting/baking etc. then after that DC1 will happily play independently for a decent amount of time. I find DC2 also is happier to play independently once I've done a really concentrated play session. Phone away etc.

Also I'm much happier now I've lowered my standards. Use tv much more to give myself some breathing space Not a huge amount, but strategically dotted through the day.

Think so as not to go mad we have to think of it as a long term thing. At some point we'll all hopefully have two children who play together, and once they've grown up they'll have each other to lean on when we're long gone.