Should I send DD to nursery more?

[Mamabear04]

DD has not long turned 4 years old. She was with my full time up until she turned 1 and I went back to work part time. When this happened DP looked after her 2 days a week. When she turned 3 she started nursery but struggled to settle in to a big busy nursery so have only been sending her 3 afternoons and DP still take her a full day. She has been becoming increasingly hard to manage and I wonder if either I am not parenting her very well or if she is just out growing the home and needs more stimulation. I do worry it's my fault. In the mornings I try to her her and her little brother out the house (he's 19 months). We go to toddler groups, bike rides, feed the ducks, visit people, go to parks and play cafes. When we are out and about she is generally well behaved but as soon as we step through the door of our house she stops listening and runs riot like she has x3838393 more energy still. I'm not sure what to do. I can send her an extra morning or full day but I do worry as she still has days when she doesn't want to go to nursery but then I'm also worried that I'm stunting her and that also DS will start to copy her bad behaviour. An example of this would be today, I took them for a bike ride and then we played in the garden until the rain came on. When we went inside I prepared lunch (maybe I spend too much time on this but I like to get veggies in them). During this time they were playing together and running around. I told them to stop and she kept at it until DS fell over and hurt himself (this always happens and I have told her not to run in the house because of this). After lunch she was throwing soft toys around including her favourite comforter and it hit the TV. I told her she is not allowed to throw toys in the house, that they could break or scratch the TV. She continued to do it so I took took off her and said she wasn't listening and I will give her special comforter back in an hour when she goes to nursery. By God all hell broke loose. Maybe I didn't handle it right but I'm trying my best. Does she need more time outside the home? I feel like a bloody awful parent right now (probably because she told me I was bad mum and to get in the bin!)

She'll be starting school in September so now is the best time to get those extra hours in and get her used to full time school, does sound like she's acting out due to boredom or not enough stimulation.

I'd get her in more too, she sounds like she's bored and needs more activities and things to focus on. My DS was a nightmare at 4 before he started school and I think he was just bored.

I'd do an extra morning or a full day - it's helpful to get her (and you and your DS) used to that morning routine of getting to school when it's busier and everyone else is going too.

When my daughter started nursery at 10 months she did 2 days a week. She went up to 5 days a week at 13 months and by day 4 of the first week she was like a different child and engaged with nursery so much more and was happier to be there. We dropped her down to 4 days at 17 months

Just before 2 she had 3 months with no consistent nursery as ours closed just before we moved house. She was at an ad hoc one a few days a week and with either me, my partner or my mil the rest of the time and she was so unsettled her development was already regressing and that got worse. She never wanted to be dropped off at the nursery but was happy there. She became much more attached to me like she was when a year and we were in hospital. Within 2 months of being at a new nursery 4 days a week her development had a huge jump and she went from being a bit behind to bang where she needed to be. She was also more chilled with the world. A few months later she skipped a room at nursery as she wanted to move up with the slightly older kids that were moving up. Before she started this nursery we thought we would have to delay her start at school but we are more than happy for her to go in September and she keeps asking when she can start. In the run up to starting school is a good time to build up the hours.

Get her in more! Some kids start school at 4 just turned 4. If my youngest were a day older she'd have started school last September instead of this September.....she's at preschool 9-3 Mon-Fri!

Aww you certainly don't sound like a bad parent at all! Just one trying her best with some challenges- 4yo headstrong girls aren't easy (speak from experience 😬)

She does sound like maybe she is getting abit bored at home...nursery could give her more stimulation and socialising with others her own age.
Parents and young siblings just can't always provide what kids of the same age can.

She’s not far off starting school so I’d have her doing more nursery days for no other reason than easing the transition. Also, they properly socialise and play together at 4 so it’s good for them to spend more time around their peers. And there’s no shame at all in admitting it’s tough going at this age, when the nap is gone and they have so much energy and an opinion on everything! Unless money is a factor I’d send her 4 full days. That’s great prep for school, she’ll be busy and stimulated and it still allows for a weekday at home to do stuff together.

We increased DS1’s pre school (9-3 at our local primary) days for exactly this reason, despite me being on mat leave. Alongside being absolutely wild at home he was also outgrowing cheap and easy activities, such as toddler groups and feeding the ducks. He’s nearly 4. He is a lot more regulated with the structure, play with other children and physical exercise that it can provide. I have no regrets.

Are you eligible for the 30 funded hours? If you are only sending her 3 x afternoons, you will probably not be using her whole allowance so you might be able to increase her hours without incurring a lot of extra costs (maybe just some extra consumables charges). I agree with pp that even if it's just to help with school transition, it might be worth getting her used to longer days in preparation for Sept.

So I would send her for longer days but after having DC2 I cut down my hours at work dramatically and so it's not really financially possible for us and it doesn't really make sense with the at home. Nursery's are really hard to get into where I live so even with the free funding could only get her afternoons and Fridays. I've always loved having her home with me and the only reason I sent her to nursery was to get her used to the busy environment and so she can develop socially. She found it hard to fit in because a boy hit her on her very first day and it honestly took her about 9 months to find her feet. I do see a change in her the past few months, she is confident, headstrong (as PP has mentioned 4 year old girls can be) and full of energy. I think I'm just not able to fulfil like you are all saying. I guess I just need to bite the bullet and start sending her on Fridays as well. It's a shame because I really missed her when she started nursery but I guess life changes and it's healthy for her to grow and become more independent...gulp!

If increasing the hours is an option or not by much I would look at switching from 2 afternoons to a full day. It gives her a bit longer to emerse herself with nursery on that day and give her more sense of rhythm to the week rather than a little bit of time here and a little bit of time there. Since January we have started a third activity on my day off. It used to be activity A in the morning, activity B in the afternoon but now we alternate activity A and Bs on the morning to do swimming lessons in the afternoon. It has thrown her. She doesn't like that she doesn't see the same people every week, she doesn't know what she doing from one week to the next. She loves both of activity A and Bs one is seeing grandparents but I can't fit three activities in the day and overall there's a bigger impact on learning to swim but it's not ideal for her. Just an example where a bitty day can be unsettling for a 3-4 yo whereas today you are at nursery. They know exactly what is happening and who they are going to see what they are going to do.

It would be good for you too to get that gradual reduction in time too in the run up to school. Our little babies are definitely turning into little people. I feel that too! It's ok to acknowledge that and how it is adjustment for us as much as them as they venture out in to the world on their own.

I would love to send her for a full day but like I said the nursery only has afternoons available so that's not an option. She actually doesn't mind the bitty days, she has a lot of energy and loves new experiences. I think part of the problem is I'm trying to balance activities and daily routine with a 4 year old and a 19 month old. For instance, today it was raining but I loaded them both up in waterproof gear and we went to a park. They both had loads of fun but DS is going through toddlerhood and got upset and had a tantrum when we had to come away from the puddles, DD wanted to play imaginative games which I tried to do but also have to keep an eye on DS as he is still unsteady on his feet. DD also could have stayed out for a lot longer and walked a lot further but DS was exhausted and needed to go home. DD was so good when we were out and patience while I dealt with DS but as soon as we get back to the house she starts acting up again.

My daughter loves the actual days but she no longer gets excited about them and she no longer talks through the week about what we do on a Wednesday like she used to

On a Sunday she used to say. I do football tomorrow at nursery then I'm at nursery and you are in the office, (I do an earlier drop off on a Tuesday). On Wednesday I see x and y and we have a crumpet for lunch and see grandma. I want to see grandma. She would be so excited because she knew what was coming. Shedoesn't now, she absolutely enjoys all the activities but she doesn't look forward to them like she used to and she is finding it hard to separate out the day with me and the weekend so she gets upset that daddy isn't there or that she has to go back to nursery on Thursday as she thinks it's the weekend so has another day with mummy because she's lost that routine and frame of reference.

Are there any other options for childcare? It's a bit of a rock and a hard place situation if there's not further childcare available regardless of whether it would be beneficial!

Is there a local pre school you could do additional free hours with? You can split it between settings.

Not really any other childcare options. All the childminders round here only have toddlers so she would be in the same situation as at home.

I initially applied to the local school nursery a year in advance of her turning 3 and she didn't even get in! Only got a place 8 months later and she had just started to settle into her nursery and make friends, trust the staff so I didn't want to move her. I spoke to the nursery and we can send her Friday mornings until she starts school. At least that's something!I guess I'll just have to think of a way until then...