Fully potty trained... except won't poo on the toilet!

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

My son turned 3 two months ago. He knows when he needs wees/poos, can hold them, can use the toilet/potty for wee. He's been able to do this since before he turned 3.

However, he won't sit on a potty or toilet. He does all wees standing up, and asks for a nappy when he needs a poo. He'll hold it and get a pain and become quite distressed, so now I just put the nappy on him.

Nursery won't let him go nappy free until he can do it, obviously. He's getting confused about why he has to put a nappy on for nursery, and asking for one at home sometimes to have a wee.

Anyone had this problem, and any good tips?

Despite your title, he’s not fully trained at all. To be fully trained he needs to reliably wee and poo in the potty or toilet, and he can’t do that. Did you really follow his lead about training?

Unfortunately some children do end up poo withholding and it can become a big issue. If you can’t get him to go (try getting him to sit on the potty and watch Poo goes to Pooland and blow bubbles, then you’ll probably have to go to your GP and get laxatives to make him go.

I’d also teach him to wee sitting down as Reception classes usually insist upon it.

Use a pull up rather than a nappy. You can call them poo pants. Keep putting it on for poos. Once he goes down the path of feeling like he's not allowed a nappy and he needs to hold in his poo, it can be really difficult to reverse. It's normal for poos to take longer. Try to encourage him to go to the bathroom to do it in his pull up. Every time he needs a poo offer him the choice, pull up or toilet? And casually mention a reward if he chooses toilet, but no pressure. It may take a while, even a year, but he will get there and the main goal is to avoid major constipation.

Not fully trained them. Take away the nappy as an option for doing a poo. I think you're causing the confusion in saying that's ok.

I would be annoyed at the nursery though. As they've put you in that position, put pull ups on him and tell him he can still use the toilet as normal for wees, he just has to wear his poo pants so the teachers don't forget to put them on if he needs one.

Oh dear, that's a pain.

Yes, I get that's he's not actually fully potty trained. What I meant was, he doesn't have accidents. He's been days at a time without it, been for days out etc, but won't poo. He ended up with a pain and pooing overnight, which he hasn't done since he was a little baby.

I've tried rewarding for sitting on the toilet (he won't sit on the potty, and tbh I think he's too big! It looks uncomfortable for him) and watching something. He did it once, but wouldn't do it again no matter the reward. I don't want it to turn into a source of stress or a power struggle, but I think it might have already...

My son has never mentioned school making him sit!

Yes, I'm really worried about major constipation. I tried saying no more nappies, I prepped him and then we went for it, and that's when he held it for two days.

Also came to say this isn't the norm, reception classes don't have enough staff to follow children who are independent in going to the toilet to even find out whether they sit or stand.

Same here. I’ve just asked my reception aged DS and they can choose to sit or stand

If he’s on the toilet I presume he has an insert type seat so he’s not having to hold on to the sides of the normal loo seat to stop himself falling in? That’s more relaxing. And a stool he can put his feet on?

There is some terrible advice here OP. School do not insist on boys seating to wee. Don't try and force him before he's ready or you could end up with him withholding. Have a look on the Eric website for some better advice but ultimately you're probably going to need to take it at his pace. I would talk to nursery about them trying to force him back into nappies full time, if he's not having accidents it's completely unnecessary.

Poos often come a lot later . My girls both got a pull up for a poo until they had been 3 for a few months . They wore knickers at nursery, as they only did poos at home.

Edited to say - my younger one tended to suffer with constipation so I decided it didn't need to be a battle and they could wear a pull up for a poo. We told them to sit on the toilet while wearing a pull up while pooing and eventually they used the toilet.

I'd try baby steps, at his pace – a nappy or pull-up for a poo if he wants one, but he does it in the bathroom. Then sitting on the toilet (but wearing the nappy). Then sitting on the toilet with the nappy unfastened. I think some people then cut a hole in the nappy, before trying without a nappy entirely.

Join Movicol Mummies on FB. Lots of parents going through the same and some great advice on there.
Also read 'What to do when your child won't poo' which will give you some great insight and set your expectations.

Thanks so much for all this helpful advice. It's really reassuring to see that this is quite a common issue. We've got an insert for the toilet, we've got the pull up pants, so I'll just have a look at that Eric website and try to make some gentle progress.

Yes, DD2 was potty trained at three for wees but the poos took another few weeks to sort out. She was a bit scared of pooing on the toilet or really just could never be bothered to stop what she was doing to go to the toilet.

I got a book which I read with her at the time and she found it hilarious, it helped her feel more confident and take the fear out if it I think. Might be available in your local library.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Peek-Poo-Guido-van-Genechten/dp/1408800195

We had this with our little girl with poos on potty. We took advice from the ERIC website to just go with her preference for the nappies for a while as she has chronic constipation and was withholding and making it worse. Nursery we’re happy to pop a pull up on if she needed one and go nappy free the rest of the time so maybe talk to them again? If constipation is an issue make sure this is well managed first, my DD is on cosmocol long term for this. I think the problems originated from it being painful to go to begin with. After a few months of being potty trained for wees we coaxed her into sitting on the potty with the nappy on for poos to get her used to doing them sitting down. We had a bit of resistance at first but pretty quickly she would happily do this. A few months later knowing she wasn’t in pain and was used to sitting down for them, we set a deadline (for us it was her birthday)and basically just told her 3 year olds poo on potties and don’t wear nappies anymore. Talked about it for a while in advance to get her used to the idea and always in a positive light, like it’s an exciting thing 😅 then when the birthday rolled around she just… did it? Honestly it was so stressful for months and I thought she’d never get there but she did. Maybe you could try something along those lines? Definitely recommend the ERIC website for advice. We had a lot of people say “just bin the nappies” but listen to the experts on this one as constipation can become a big problem if it’s not well managed and withholding starts to come into play. Good luck.

Oh and we also bribed with chocolate and stickers - these didn’t work at the first steps though and only at the very end of the process for us!

Plus a good diet to help with the natural progression through the gut.
Bribery is entirely acceptable. DD wanted a scooter. I said she could have a scooter as soon as she got the hang of doing her poo in either the potty or the toilet.
Going for a poo is a sensation that scares some children once they become aware of it. I think it's helpful to talk about that with them and tell them it's ok, and that their body tells them when they need to go to the toilet and holding on for too long can give you a tummy ache.
I think it can be a good 6 months or more after being dry that kids get the hang of poo as well. Just be consistent and patient - he will get there.

Thanks so much everyone. I did exactly what @Beentherelivedthat did with my older son - set the deadline for his 3rd birthday, talked about it beforehand very matter of fact, like it was just what happens when you turn 3. Sorted for wees and poos in 2 days. So I wasn't expecting this battle with DS2!

My little boy was exactly like this. We continued to put a nappy on him for a couple of months when he needed a poo until he felt ready to use the potty or toilet. Eventually he just wanted to use the toilet instead. You’ve received some bad advice on here because forcing him will make the situation worse and he could end up withholding.