New to co-parenting - is this normal behaviour?

[helloyello1]

I've been separated from my husband for almost a year, we've lived separately for 7 months.

I left for a variety of reasons but one of the biggest arguments was parenting. I'm into gentle parenting and he's a shout and scream and do as I say kind of parent. Our oldest is suspected to have autism but husband thinks that autism is nonsense, even though I'm 99% convinced he's autistic himself.

My boys 2&4 absolutely hate going to their dads for the weekend. My oldest particularly gets so distressed to be away from me. He cries hysterically and has to be carried out the house. The youngest wasn't bothered at first but has recently started to behave the same way. I can't call them when they're there or they get really upset. Handover is so stressful as they're both crying asking not to go. They always come bouncing through the door smiley and happy when they come home, they never want to hug or kiss their dad goodbye. He calls them every evening but it's a battle to get them to speak to him. They never ask about him, never talk about him. They don't seem at all bothered he isn't around.

I know they don't do much on his weekends, never leave the house, they stay in pyjamas and the clothes I send come back still clean, folded in outfit bundles in the bag I sent them in. They pretty much watch tv and iPads all weekend.

Husband says they're always happy when they're with him but why do they get so distressed to go there?

Is this normal behaviour or not?

the phone calls every evening is too much. Its normal for them to feel upset leaving you. They'll get used to the routine

It's been 7 months, shouldn't the routine be normal by now?

No because your children are growing and changing. A lot happens in the first 5 years

Moving between parents is hard for kids. Especially when there are
really different rules in both houses. How much do they know about how you feel about their father’s parenting? I was always open and honest with my children about the differences but made sure I didn’t disparage their fathers parenting and gave them permission to have a good time and hid my anxiety/distress at the stories they told me about his harsh parenting… as I saw it.

my kids are older now and just roll their eyes about their dad shouting.

When we were together I would intervene in his parenting if he over stepped the line, for example if the oldest was having a meltdown due to his possible autism, because a routine has changed or something he genuinely cannot cope with I would stick up for him. But generally I would challenge it away from them. Now, I don't at all. I don't see it so I have no reason to.
If my oldest verbalises his feelings towards his dad I always speak positively of him and remind him of nice things to divert him. I never speak baldy of him around them. I don't talk to others about their dad with them around. So I don't think I'm encouraging the negative feelings at all.