Ds 3 doesn't enjoy preschool

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Hi everyone, DS 3 doesn't seem to be enjoying preschool at all and I'm conflicted as what to do.

He seemed to enjoy it at first but the other day the teacher said he had been crying but she doesn't know why. We walked past a few minutes before and he was sat outside on a chair by himself looking sad whilst all the other children were playing. It's unlike him to cry for no reason so I thought maybe something has upset him? Later on he said "we have to stay on the chair we can't move from the chair" which I found odd but tried to not think too deep into it.

Today we dropped him off he's fine going in but walked past just before pickup and he was stood by himself looking lost wiping his face. I assume it's because he was crying I watched him for about 15 min and he stood there the entire time and none of the teachers were encouraging him to play. He also had no hat or gloves on (they were playing outside) and was freezing when I picked him up.

Hes not the best at communicating but he said to me "Go and eat lunch on your own" but he couldn't tell me who told him that. It just seems like everytime we see him in the playground hes on his own and when we drop him off and look into the classroom he stands there looking lost whilst all the children are playing together. He is one of the younger ones whereas the others are nearing 4. We also get 0 communication from the teachers other than "hes been fine".

DH wants to take him out til September but I'm worried that he'll fall behind on socialisation. I really don't know what to do

Do they do time outs? Could that be why he was sat on the chair.

It's so hard. We are having issues with getting my daughter to go too but not sure it will be transferable. She wants to go to school instead. Its hard to get a 3.5 yo to look as far ahead into the future as September. I'm glad we haven't decided to defer her!

Do you have any other options for preschool/nursery?

Thanks for your reply. We did think it could be a time out but they didn't communicate this to us which is why its so frustrating. He just doesn't seem happy there at all. We have a couple options in the area theres another school or a private nursery. DH wants to keep him off til september and I really don't know what to do for the best. It's not that far away but I'm worried about affecting his socialisation that everyone seems to go on about.

My daughter had 3 months out of nursery just before 2 when her nursery closed with 20 minutes notice and we were due to move so it wasn't easy to get a replacement. It did have an impact on her. She had recently had a regression in speech and she became almost a mute. We had a difficult family situation too with some very poorly relatives so all in all it's was a lot of change and a very difficult situation even had she been in child care. So it's hard to know how she would have been if she has been in nursery

It seems odd. Could you arrange a meeting with the manager and get a feeling for how they view it and also query the "not allowed to leave the chair" situation? I think I would be inclined to investigate one of the other settings first but I'm reliant on child care for work. If you aren't are there plenty of toddler/preschool groups you could access?

I agree with above and would ask for a meeting with the nursery manager, explain your concerns and ask what they are doing to aid your son. Does he have a special friend in preschool they could encourage the friendship with or could you try and arrange some playdates? You are only seeing a snippet of his day but its enough to cause you concern. Is the preschool attached to the school he will likely go to? If not id consider taking him out or trying somewhere new.

Being stuck somewhere you're miserable, standing on your own crying and having no one to play with is not socialisation. At least not any kind of good socialisation!

Preschool is meant to be fun, and if he's not having fun why is he going? What's the rush?
If you don't need him to be there, just take him out.

This!

Take him out and keep him home or find somewhere better. They really don't seem to be very interested in him here. He should be having a whale of a time at preschool not alone and miserable.

It all sounds a bit odd. I’m particularly puzzled by the fact that you were watching him being sad and alone for 15min and no member of staff noticed either him or you watching him! The language he has repeated seems strange as well.

I’d be asking to meet with nursery to ask more about his presentation and behaviour from their POV and to raise your concerns.

Thank you all. It's a preschool attached to school which he's unlikely to get into as it's outside of catchment. There is a school within catchment and a nursery round the corner he could go to. It's just what hes told us such as staying sat on the chair and being told to eat lunch on his own. It's worrying.

DH wants to keep him off til September where he can go to the school preschool within catchment. I'm worried this could affect his socialisation but he said theres plenty of things we can do with him.

This is DHs argument. He said whats the point in him going when he isn't being encouraged to interact. He used to be confident and outgoing and now it's like he is scared of kids. He wouldn't go on the park the other day because another child was on it! He's completely changed and it's worrying us.

Leave the preschool, I don't generally say that I'd normally say to have meetings and see if you can find a resolve etc - but based on what you've seen and the fact it's affecting him outside of there when he meets children I would definately leave

Do any groups with children plus you that you can go to until sept to build his confidence with children up again, then go to the school within your catchment as a fresh start with hopefully a more confident child. Right now where he is, he is losing socialisation skills and confidence, not gaining anything - and with a little break from all children things (maybe a week) then starting to go to some with you, it will come back

Well its through a fence which leads onto a pathway that lots of people walk through. I think its a little strange its not hidden. There was only the teaching assistant watching the children I don't know where the teacher was.

I do think this is for the best but everyone is making me feel guilty about it saying it's going to affect him. When the funny thing is, he was happy, confident and playful before he started there!

Oh honestly don't feel guilty, it's affecting him being there. The longer it goes on the more that his anxiety of other children will continue. It's so important in terms of his long term socialisation that when he joins his 'forever school' in September that he is confident and able to mix with the kids.

This environment is not doing that and I think continuing it will make him anxious/less able to make friends in sept. You have time to work on it in social settings with you there and get that confidence back up :)

Thank you for the reassurance. We're hoping as he will be a little bit older that his communication will be better and he'll be able to make friends. Especially if we do activities with him in the meantime!

Unless it was very different weather for you today it's not hat and glove weather so that wouldn't bother me at all.

But yeah, if he doesn't like it and you don't need childcare what's the point? Just move him somewhere else or keep him at home.

He used to be confident and outgoing and now it's like he is scared of kids.

That suggests the pre-school is negatively affecting his socialisation, not enhancing it. So if that's the reason he goes, I'd stop him now.

To be honest, from what you've said, I'd be stopping him going anyway - even if it had to be for a different childcare option. If you don't need him to go, don't send him. He can practice socialisation just fine with you, as long as you give him plenty of opportunities to engage with other children.

This. Unless he has to be there remove him. I'd try another one anyway, it doesn't sound very nice

We don't need him to go at all as I'm on Maternity Leave at the moment. We were just doing it for his benefit, but it doesn't seem to be benefitting him at all. He has cousins that he can see regularly and we can do lots of activities such as groups, swimming, parks, play centres and september isn't too far away so I think it may be good for him to have some time out.

Oh my goodness, that made me so sad to think of a little boy standing there alone and looking lost and wiping tears from his face!

Please, take him out. He doesn't need preschool, no child needs it if they have a loving carer at home, but there comes a time when children are ready to make real friends and play with others - this comes any time between 3 and 4 IME (I worked for 6 years in a lovely preschool) but your little boy isn't ready, or it's the wrong place - he'll be so much happier at home until he matures enough to get something out of preschool, but that time hasn't yet come.

Good luck!

I think I would still have that meeting with the manager but hand in my notice at the end so your experience is documented in some way.
If there is a more systematic issue with that preschool it might help others in the long run.
As long as you are mindful of socialising which you absolutely sound like you are I wouldn't hesitate.
When I was a kid we did playgroup two mornings a week. Kids don't need 9-5 with other kids. They need regular groups ideally with the same kids but an hour or two a couple of times a week is more than enough.

Good luck!

Preschool teacher here - pull him out. Poor thing. I’m assuming he is 30hrs if he’s staying for lunch? If you can get him somewhere else I think that would be a positive thing for him, but if you don’t need the childcare then don’t feel about keeping him home for a bit.

We rejected a nursery for DD based on what I saw/heard through their fence when walking past with her as a baby.

Is there a forest school close by which may suit him better ?