What does your life look like?

[Cn1]

This may seem like a strange post. I am not doing this to be nosey, I am doing this to put the situation into perspective.

I am a mum to 2 young children I live with my partner. I work part time on an average salary (but part time hours only) and my partner works full time on an average salary.

I came from a very dysfunctional family (social services involvement when I was a child), because of this I do not know what a ‘normal’ family looks like. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good mum and I am very hard on myself and want everything to be perfect for my children and for them to halve a lovely childhood but I find this overwhelming at times.

Baring in mind we are on just average salaries, (not struggling but no loaded), I would love to hear about things you do with your children, traditions, special days out, even daily things that you do, that you think enrich your children’s childhood.

Bump

@Cn1
I get it, !!!
I come from a weird very dysfunctional family dynamics background too,
I was brought up in children's homes and my sisters and brothers werr fostered out too,

Thank you for starting this mumsnet thread too..

it's at times like this,

I am thankful for discovering mumsnet

Wish i had known about this a long time ago..

Honestly, OP, this is your anxiety speaking. There’s no point in looking sideways at other people’s parenting decisions to check you’re doing ‘enough’. I grew up in a deprived, dysfunctional environment, too (there was inadequate food and space, let alone anything else) but I recognise I need to own my own decisions as a parent. Other people’s are irrelevant. You know your own child/children best. You don’t need to dash about making everything ‘lovely’.

Dont worry about things being lovely.

Do you tell your children how much you love them? Really, if they feel loved you're doing well. It's important to express that love even when they are being..... difficult (one of my 3yos is yanking my chain quite spectacularly at the moment!).

Remember you don't have to be perfect. You'll make mistakes. Possibly big ones. There's no training for being a parent and it's hard. But actually, the odd mistake is ok. Your children learn from them, and how you deal with them teaches them a lot about being honest, that it's ok to ask for help, how to apologise.... All very important lessons.

Things I aim to do:
Get outside every day even if it's just a few minutes
Always read them a story - it's a great excuse for a cuddle as well. Will miss it when mine get too big! My parents used to do family film night when we were too big to be read to.
Look them in the eye and say something affectionate every day. I bet there are things that make you proud. Share them e.g. I told my 3yo how happy it had made me watching him playing nicely with his friend earlier in the day, an how much I was looking forward to seeing him do that again.

It's not big dramatic gestures or even elaborate traditions that make for happy memories of childhood. One of my happiest memories is really banal. I must have been about 4. I was sitting snuggled up on the sofa with my sister and parents. We were watching Fantasia on a saturday evening after dinner. My dad had nodded off cuddling my mum. It was nothing special and I bet nobody else remembers it, but in that moment I felt totally content and secure. I thinkof that moment often.

I do own my own parenting decisions. This comes from a place of curiosity and to get some perspective not to compare my parenting to others.

That’s a lovely happy memory, it highlights the importance of the feeling of security for children. I don’t have memories like this but I do these things with my children so I’m sure they will.

@cn1

I didn't have a very happy childhood. I know how you feel. I do a few little things...

Every night I put my children's side lights on, lay out their pjs, make sure their bedrooms are all cosy and nice and tidy for them.

I try and buy different (healthy) snacks each week that I think they'd like to try

I try and be spontaneous eg, asking what they would like to do and actually doing it!

cuddles ALL THE TIME

I try and say yes a lot

Whenever DD comes into a room I make sure I look happy to see her and spend a second or two gauging her mood. If we've been apart for the day I take some time to tune in with her feelings.

Sometimes I let her win on a daily battle about bedtimes or sugar or whatever. I want her to feel that sometimes she has power and agency even though I can't let her always have it.

I tell her that no thoughts or emotions are wrong - it's what action she takes that matters.

We read together every day and cuddle up when we do it.

I often tell her things that I like about her and things that she's good at. I often recount times when she's been determined to overcome an obstacle or to learn something difficult as the quality in her I admire most.

My mum has just died and I've spent quite a lot of time thinking of what made my childhood so good.

A lot of it was about time, laughter and conversation. Both parents were really interested in me, my brother and my friends.

We knew we were loved because they took the time to listen, to laugh and to spent time with us - reading, helping out with school projects, eating together and lots of long walks. We didn't have loads of cash but there was always something to do. Most importantly I always felt heard. It's something I try to do with my kids - and to have fun - even if it's just a kitchen disco or making waffles.

I think mine are a bit older than yours but I get it.

Always having food in the house that they like, nothing fancy or expensive... just crumpets, butter, cheese, some particular biscuits that we first tried on a holiday and are now [that place] biscuits.

Making a point of eating our evening meal together as often as possible and everyone taking it in turns to talk about their day.

Reminiscing about places we've been, days out etc.

Going for lots of walks to various local parks.

Making sure that 'treats' e.g. special days out, fancy desserts etc. really are treats.

Encouraging what they're good at and interested in, in a way we can afford.

Asking them what they think about things.

Telling them when I'm really happy and content e.g. 'I love it when we all sit down together to do xyz'.

Thinking together about how we can help others.

Playing family games quite regularly... Uno, card games, monopoly.

Having a 'family jukebox' playlist for in the car.

Having a few of our own daft words for things.

Doing things in all combinations of 1-1, in pairs, one parent with them both, all of us etc.

Making sure that they're still independent e.g. set the table, put their washing away, say thank you for things, make easy snacks, empty own bags etc.

Lots of hugs and I love you/I'm proud of you.

Talking things out but keeping it brief and moving on when someone's upset.

Welcoming their friends.

Doing enough of the commercial stuff that they don't feel left out, but keeping it to a minimum.

@fiskette love this and believe I do similar with my DD.

In a shit twist of fate, I’m raising DD in “lesser circumstances” than I had (I grew up with loads of space, family and cousins nearby, on a farm with ponies etc, lovely little school) but we’ve ended up with no family nearby in a very socially deprived and frankly depressing area and her dad and I are separated due to DA; so heartbreaking for me in many ways.

BIT she is WAY happier and more confident and settled than I was at her age! She loves this shithole town and school etc. I really think it’s down to giving her so much love, attention, validation, letting her have a voice etc etc - which my mum didn’t really do

We stick to the same routine every day.

Up, breakfast, at school by 8 am.

Back form school 4.45pm. Kids watch TV till 5.30pm.

Dinner at 5.30pm.

6-7pm: homework/shower/ play in playroom/park in summer.

7pm: snack, story/chat alone with each child, bedtime.

Both kids tucked up by 8 pm.

It's the same schedule on weekends too.

I do a lot of what allthevitamins does above.

Reading, games, rhyming/word games. Outside a lot. Try not to focus too much on 'days out' i.e.theme parks, anything really commercial.

Lots of green space, outdoor activity etc.

I also don't dumb down stuff - if they ask about stuff I explain it to them (within limits!) in child appropriate language.

Make cookies, go for a walk, read to them each evening before bed, make a special breakfast at least one day each weekend, play with finger paints, grow a flower or a veg on the windowsill, sing along to children's songs, watch a film with popcorn, take them to a library and pick out books. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, just you and your dp sharing little fun experiences with your children.

I think all the above is great but what hasn't been mentioned and which I believe is very important is do not feel guilty about setting some healthy boundaries.
I grew up in a happy home and the one things that made me secure is knowing that I could trust my parents had my best interests in mind and weirdly I only realised that through their boundaries (curfew, enforced consequences, bedtime to be respected) - it was loving and ultimately made me feel that they had my back!

Playing with our children is so important. Even though there's always jobs to be done around the house I try to say yes to playing as often as I can. Sitting on the ground with them going along with their games.
I always try to finish the day by telling them at bedtime how much I love them and how proud I am to be their mommy. I just hope it's these little things they remember rather than big days out etc

I also come from a dysfunctional family background (poverty, alcohol abuse, absent parenting etc).

I have DD who is 3.5 and DH and I work FT and have a rented house.

Monday - Friday is much of the same. One of us does breakfast, usually on the sofa watching TV before nursery run and then onto work. The other then does pick up. We use public transport. Try and spend a dedicated ten mins with DD playing one on one before dinner (normally on the sofa) before bedtime routine.

Weekends we get out every day - we pretty much do everything as a three. So we both take her to activities eg swimming or gymnastics. Its not a chore for us, we I guess feel guilt at both working in the week so weekends are pretty child centric.

I can tell you areas where I feel like I worry or sometimes obsess over. Like cleanliness - I wont let her go out in stained clothes etc. I worry about things like the bedding not being clean enough and get paranoid about her becoming the smelly child because thats what happened to me.

I sometimes worry we are TOO child-centric because i have nothing to mark it against in terms of experience - we were rarely taken anywhere that was just for us as kids. So I get paranoid I am spoiling her. I dont drag her to a supermarket etc.

I worry eerytime I feel like I pull the same face I know my mum did when she was pissed off. and overanalyse how I lay boundaries and discipline.

I do feel like I can sometimes worry too much or compare myself like things such as not eating up the table much, but she is happy, healthy and thats what i need to remember.

My DDs are older, teen and preteen. We don't actively do big days out or special family days very often, maybe 1-2 a year.

What I would say is that we are really good at the little things and communication. I've seen resentment and feelings of neglect ruin relationships in my family and I'd hate that to happen to us. We talk about what we like and don't like/ want or don't want. The kids are involved in decision making, not like my DF dictatorship.

We always have dinner at the table together and each pick a high and low of the day which helps give a little snapshot into our lives.

We like our own space and are often in different rooms doing our own thing but happily come together to play a game, binge watch a TV show, watch a movie etc.

I'll spend time with the DDs, going on shopping trips, doing a home spa night etc.

We have a pretty 'normal' life I think, but nothing that would be of much interest to anyone really! I would say we fall on the more comfortable side of things, definitely MC and probably the better off of our social group.

We get up at 7:30am and get ready for school. To school at 830. Then dh and I both starting work by 9. I tend to work until 3:30, though sometimes I finish at 2 because we have animals to take care of so I do animals before I go collect dc from school some days. Some days I do them later and dh picks the kids up.

After school, we mostly come home and play outside or they watch tv. Sometimes we might go to the library. Or one of the dc has an activity I need to drive them to - like cross country for school. Usually one day a week, older one (age 11) has a friend over until dinner time. Or goes to a friends house. Dh and I usually both around in the afternoons, with one of us more busy with work than the other. One dc does scouts one night a week and often goes climbing one night as well (her 'sport').

We have dinner around 7pm and then bath/shower/bedtime. I sit with them and read and chat before they go to sleep.

Weekends, we do DIY/gardening/animal care and tend to go for walks/to the beach/outdoor stuff. We don't really do a lot of 'days out'. There's not much to do around here and we've done it all already. We have a NT membership, so that's a cheap and cheerful day out - we have lunch or cake there - do that maybe once a month. They have friends over on the weekends or go visit friends, sometimes have a sleepover. We go to county shows, food festival, village fete type things in the summer. This time of year though, it's a lot of tv at home, or I might take older one to the cinema maybe once a month.

I'm not sure we really have any 'traditions'. We go to stay in dh's family's beach hut every summer for a holiday. We don't really do holidays abroad, as not my cup of tea. I do take dc for city breaks abroad sometimes, but no like AI in the sun type holidays. I'm half American, so I do a Thanksgiving dinner every year. That's all I can really think of.

I have a lot of hobbies and interests myself though and so does dh. So we tend to prioritise doing those and the dc come along with them too. We are not the sort of family where everything is super over-scheduled though. We have lots of quiet, chill time at home. We potter about. Kids play in the mud and the river. We do some gardening. Rather than big days out to Legoland or amusements or anything like that. We're also both over career-driven so everything has to balance between work too.