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Parenting

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Desperately need advice re ds5

18 replies

2pennyLilly · 18/02/2024 11:52

My DS5 is a lovely little boy most of the time but often when he's out with me he does this thing where he just refuses to move. We'll be at the busstop and the bus will arrive and he'll refuse to get on. Or we'll be in the supermarket and he'll refuse to leave. Or we went to the Xmas fair and all of a sudden, he started to act up and decided to throw a tantrum and stop moving.

Never does it with Dad - only me.

On previous occasions, I frogmarched him by holding his hand tightly and forcing him to walk. On the way from the Xmas fair, I had dragged him for about 15 minutes straight and in the end, when we were right at the top of our street, I grabbed him, my nails raked his chest and gave him an awful scratch - he still has a pink scar and that was at Xmas. I felt/feel awful about it.

Yesterday, on the way back from a party, same thing. We we were coming back from a birthday party in the rain, and he refused to walk. I had the other LO in buggy so had to clamp DS5's wrist to the buggy to force him to walk as he absolutely refused. Today, he has those twisty burn marks on his wrist - not severe but still visible.

I'm reaching out because I don't think this is normal. I'm not abusing him, I'm just trying to get him to move but I don't like that the only way I've been able to do it is leaving marks on him, regardless of how stubborn he is. I also don't want to look like an abuser for obvious reasons.

Can anyone tell me if this normal/abnormal and what I should do?

Desperately asking.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 18/02/2024 11:56

Is he able to offer an explanation afterwards?
What are the consequences of his behaviour? It sounds like he is not bothered by tge oaun of the wrist straps etc

user1492757084 · 18/02/2024 11:58

Refuse to care for the boy.
Only babysit him if absolutely have to when he is staying at home.

It is unfair for his father and mother to expect anyone else to keep him safe when you can not ensure that he walks with you and won't stay alone with strangers in foreign places.
Can you ask his father whether his son needs to be checked over for Epilepsy?

Evenstar · 18/02/2024 12:00

This sounds very difficult OP, do you have any other concerns about his behaviour or development? It sounds as though he behaves like this at transition points, does he find changing between activities difficult? Has there been any concern about his behaviour at school?

Violettaa · 18/02/2024 12:00

Physically assaulting a child when they don’t do as you ask is not ok. It’s awful that you scratched him so hard he still has marks, and awful that you gave him burn marks. Really awful.

If he won’t move, you give consequences. If he doesn’t move, you wait till he does. Yes, you might miss time at a school fair. But he will learn that the freezing doesn’t get him what he wants, so will (eventually) stop.

At the moment all you’re teaching him is that using physical force to get what you want is ok.

ilovebreadsauce · 18/02/2024 12:01

Eh? It's her son!

ilovebreadsauce · 18/02/2024 12:03

And yes, I would say yourethods are a usive if they are resulting in physical injury

Toddlerteaplease · 18/02/2024 12:03

user1492757084 · 18/02/2024 11:58

Refuse to care for the boy.
Only babysit him if absolutely have to when he is staying at home.

It is unfair for his father and mother to expect anyone else to keep him safe when you can not ensure that he walks with you and won't stay alone with strangers in foreign places.
Can you ask his father whether his son needs to be checked over for Epilepsy?

It's her own child

2pennyLilly · 18/02/2024 12:09

BoohooWoohoo · 18/02/2024 11:56

Is he able to offer an explanation afterwards?
What are the consequences of his behaviour? It sounds like he is not bothered by tge oaun of the wrist straps etc

At the Xmas fair, I can't recall but I don't think there was one. He was there with a friend, they were playing one moment and the other moment, when it was time to put the lights up, he refused to cross the road to join the others.

I asked him if he wanted to go home, he said yes, then when we crossed the road, and said goodbye to everyone, and started to walk away, he started to throw a tantrum saying he wanted to stay. I then walked us back then he started to meltdown with the group so I said we'd leave. He was in tears but staying wasn't an option with the mood he was in.

Other times, there have been tthere have been identifiable reasons. Like yesterday, his balloon popped and he was upset and so refused to walk. I don't smack so when we got home I said no games for the rest of the day.

OP posts:
2pennyLilly · 18/02/2024 12:16

The marks were unintentional, they're not delivered out of anger or discipline so no, I don't think I'm an abuser. At the same time, if I had a nanny and he had these marks after being in her care, yes, I'd fire her.

So can you guys help me?

I'm not a smacker, and this doesn't happen at home. Marks, only on these two occasions when I've been trying to get him to move. (I can't bundle him up and put him in a car so the only alternative is to walk).

How do I get him to move? There's no point giving me all this negative feedback unless you can be constructive about it. How do I handle the situation when he refuses to move? That's what I reached out on here for. Help.

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 18/02/2024 12:49

Did you try to soothe him when his balloon popped?

Soozikinzii · 18/02/2024 12:50

I would speak to him firmly before going anywhere and say look you do realise we're going to have to leave and walk home at the end ? I will tell you 5 minutes before to warning you then we will go . We don't want any falling out do we ? Tell me if there's something bothering you now before we go ?You must tell me if something is bothering you ? When we get back we'll have a nice treat - whatever it is he likes something small - hot choccy or favourite story or TV whatever . Then give warning before leaving . Remember what we agreed nice hot choccy when we get in ? .is something bothering u? You must tell me if something is up ? Remember what we said ? If still performing as before (hopefully not!). Remember we said youd get a treat for coming straight home ? No treat if you carry on . Still performing - March out with him . No treat and make sure you carry that out .

Maddiemum34 · 18/02/2024 15:01

Make rules and stick to them..if he refuses to move..stand with him and say fine..we will stay here....then once he does move say nothing til you get home..then no treats..no tv..no devices..put him in his bedroom no toys...tell him 1 day..kick off today it becomes 2..then 3 ...i know it frowned on but i discipline my kids too..not hard but i get there attention so now with mine this doesnt happen

Newnamesameoldlurker · 18/02/2024 15:04

Have you tried a countdown? Ie (in a very stern voice) you have 5 seconds to move or I'll have to make you move (and he knows from previous experience you will do this). Then count down very loudly and slowly. This always works with mine
Edited to add- get down on his level and look him in the eye while you do this, hold his arm gently so you have his full attention

pinkyredrose · 18/02/2024 15:04

Violettaa · 18/02/2024 12:00

Physically assaulting a child when they don’t do as you ask is not ok. It’s awful that you scratched him so hard he still has marks, and awful that you gave him burn marks. Really awful.

If he won’t move, you give consequences. If he doesn’t move, you wait till he does. Yes, you might miss time at a school fair. But he will learn that the freezing doesn’t get him what he wants, so will (eventually) stop.

At the moment all you’re teaching him is that using physical force to get what you want is ok.

Oh give over. 'Physically assaulting'? That does such a disservice to kids that really have been assaulted.

Op can you get a buggy board for him?

MotherOfDragon20 · 18/02/2024 15:07

You mentioned another little one in a buggy., could you try getting a buggy board and see if he might be willing to stand on that if he refuses to walk. I understand this isn’t actually tackling the underlying behaviour but it might just take the pressure off when you and about. He’s only 5 so he might just be tired of walking and he is playing up.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/02/2024 15:25

2pennyLilly · 18/02/2024 12:16

The marks were unintentional, they're not delivered out of anger or discipline so no, I don't think I'm an abuser. At the same time, if I had a nanny and he had these marks after being in her care, yes, I'd fire her.

So can you guys help me?

I'm not a smacker, and this doesn't happen at home. Marks, only on these two occasions when I've been trying to get him to move. (I can't bundle him up and put him in a car so the only alternative is to walk).

How do I get him to move? There's no point giving me all this negative feedback unless you can be constructive about it. How do I handle the situation when he refuses to move? That's what I reached out on here for. Help.

Edited

The thing is though, you are intentionally using enough force to leave these marks, on more than one occasion, so it’s not a “one off” or an accident. Also, of course they are being delivered out of anger/discipline, you’re getting annoyed that he will not continue to walk, therefore you are using excessive force to physically make him move. You can dress that up in your mind however you want, but the reality is you are choosing to use physical force, force capable of leaving long lasting physical marks, to make your child do something.

To get past this I think you really need to take quite a few steps back. You’ve mentioned that you’ve noticed things which trigger this behaviour, have a think about what kind of emotions those situations evoke in him, think about if are you handling them correctly, if you aren’t, have a think about how you could handle them better? For example when his balloon popped and he is angry/upset, what did you say to him? How did you act? How did he act? Did you stop and speak to him, explain, reassure… or did you insist on walking that minute thus him kicking off and refusing? Could it have gone differently if you had acted differently, could you have made a different choice?

You absolutely must stay calm in those situations. At the moment, what you are teaching him is that if someone doesn’t listen to us them it is okay to physically force them to do what we say. Is that the kind of message you’d like to teach your son? Is that the kind of man you’d like him to grow up to be? I’d hope not. So start now to model better behaviour. Stay calm, and give him choices. For example, we have to go home, if you don’t want to walk now then we can sit here and chat for 5 minutes, but after that we have to go, so do you want to leave now or in 5 mins? OR as another poster has suggested a buggy board, make that one of the choices- you can either walk home now OR you can hop onto the buggy board, which would you like? Some children especially when overwhelmed with big emotions (like the anger and upset at a burst balloon) work a lot better when they feel they have choices, so give him choices, and when he makes one really reinforce that positive behaviour, lots of praise, lots of reassurance. Reward that.

Distract your child, redirect their attention to something else to get past a situation. So if you can see he is about to refuse to walk, mention something else, something happening later that day maybe, engage in conversation, redirect the energy to something else rather than you doubling down on “we have to move NOW” because all that does is wind him up even further.

Lastly and most importantly though, stop using physical force. Unless he has stopped walking in the middle of a road and is in immediate danger for example, stop laying hands on him. If he really will not walk and none of the above work, don’t shout, don’t argue back, don’t engage in a back and forth which only winds you both up, just stand completely still, or sit with him. For as long as it takes. Let him calm down and maybe when he has he will be able to verbalise to you how he is feeling. Kids that age have lots of very big feelings and they’re learning from you how to deal with them, so stop teaching him that violence and physical force is the answer and start teaching him that calm, patience and communication can get you through most anything.

cansu · 18/02/2024 15:36

I think you would feel better and be more in control if you waited it out. If he categorically won't move then wait until he does. I would also consider some kind of buggy attachment so if he is tired he can ride along. Consider carefully where you go and how long the walk will be. Give an immediate consequence when you get home.

2pennyLilly · 18/02/2024 23:11

Thanks for all your advice. Yes, he has a buggy board but no, he wouldn't go on it either. And I threatened him on the spot - ('Ok, if you don't start moving, they'll be no games when we get home') but it doesn't make a difference.

I've spoken to his Dad and decided that until I/we figure out definitively what works in this situation, I'll have to avoid taking him out anywhere by myself for the time being. While I still don't agree that its abuse, I do agree that it can't continue.

I had a talk with him today about yesterday, (and I've had talks with him on other days about past behaviour too) to ask why and what we can do to avoid it in the future but I didn't get very far as reasoning with him ('when you do this, it makes Mummy sad...') doesn't really work- ie, he'll agree not to do it next time, but does.

Thanks for all your help, all. If anything, you've given me some ideas on strategies to try.

Many thanks.

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