What am I doing wrong?

[Workingmum994]

I’m a 30 year old mum to a 20 month old little girl. She’s loving, smart, happy and I love her so much. I feel however, that I’m letting her down.

I work part time, so she is looked after by my in laws Monday and Tuesday and goes to a childminder on a Wednesday. They always report back that she has been “good as gold” and “perfect”. When I pick her up, she’s excited to see me and smiley. However when driving her home it’s as if she lets out all of the emotions she’s built up in that day.

The issue I face, is she “plays up” for me. She is very clingy, to the point where I can’t walk a few steps to another part of the room. She follows me everywhere and doesn’t like playing only. She has to be with me all the time. She also become quite whingey when I do have to do something (but we’re in the same room).

I find it hard because I feel like I’m the problem, when she isn’t like this with anyone else, not even her dad.

I need to add that I am aware of mood swings and terrible twos etc, and I understand this is a part of parenting, but I feel this is different.

What am I doing wrong and how can I improve things?

Please be kind, I’m feeling deflated and fragile.

She acts out with you because she knows your love is unconditional. With others she can’t guarantee they will still love her if she ‘misbehaves’ but she knows you will also love her.

It’s a good thing, but that doesn’t stop it being difficult for you.

The book how to talk so little children listen is good for how go deal with various behavioural things.

You are her safe space and sadly that means u get all the emotions.

@Justkeepswimmingswimming gosh, that made me tear up. I have always wanted to be a mum, but I’m struggling. I have recently been diagnosed with myalgic encephalomyelitis and I am struggling day to day. I just need to learn to regulate myself a bit better.

Thank you for the recommendation, I will have a look into that book! X

@Tryingtohelp12 its hard, but I hope that I’ll always be her safe space and she will feel able to share her emotions with me too. Thank you for replying x

That sounds tough. As general rules, tell her what’s happening and how you want her to behave eg when we go to the shop I need to keep hold of my hand, praise things you want to see again eg well done to trying to put your coat away and apologise when (everyone does!) you lose your temper or make a mistake.

For tantrums I think you need to work out what works for each child. One of my children I could distract but the other I had to sit on the floor and wait until she wanted a cuddle.

Pick your battles and be consistent with them.

Don’t forget to take your multivitamins.

If she's whinging when you need to do something, try getting her to 'help', however trivially. ('Helping' at this age is defined as not slowing you down so much you are going backwards.) She can help put washing in the machine and take it out again, hand you pegs to peg it up, have a cleaning cloth/dust pan/whatever, help take shopping out of the bags to be put away, and so on.

I have fewer suggestions for angry tantrums, but for upset/sad ones, both my DDs used cuddling me to help regulate themselves. It can still be trying when you're under time pressure, or its the millionth time that day (and hard on the ears), but I found it helped to focus on the strength of the bond and trust that that requires. It's a huge thing they're saying when they launch themselves at you in out-of-control tears – that they know you've got them and can help them, no matter how or why they're falling apart.