Mum guilt re:toddler

[Abzsx]

My 25 mo has been such a mummies boy, I did pretty much everything as DH worked longer hours

we just welcomed our 2nd DS into the world 2.5 weeks ago and DS1 has been amazing and so good with him

hes adapted to daddy and grandma picking up some stuff I’d do (nursery drop off/pick up) he goes to nursery 3 days and I have him alone 2 days then 2 days family time

Im worried he isn’t too fussed with me now. He does come to me for comfort but with other people doing what I’d do I’m worried he won’t see me as a care giver as much as right now I’m mainly on newborn care as I’m breastfeeding

i feel like just giving a bottle so dh can have our newborn and I can do bedtime etc with DS :(

Does he love me? Pre baby born he used to not let me move like was swinging off my leg. I feel it’s lessened but his overall tantrums have? So maybe he was anticipating something scary and has realised it’s not scary it’s okay (baby being born)

just feeling sensitive and that he doesn’t want me that much anymore :( I’m worried he’ll prefer someone else

From this it sounds like you have a wonderful little boy. I think the newborn hormones might be giving you a bit of kicking here. It sounds like he is responding really well to the new arrival but possibly also still processing the change. I would just keep taking life day by day. I wouldn't say there is strong reason either way to introduce a bottle for dad it's a what is right for the family thing. I know it's tricky to do but could you offer the newborn a feed just before bedtime to see if you can get a routine where you feed baby pass him to dad and do bedtime with your eldest?

My 3.5 yo is very much a mummy person and we have been encouraging dad to do more bedtimes just to reduce her dependence on me. For example I previously have had to still do bedtime even though I had spent the day in bed ill. Currently dad does it 4 days a week and I do 3 days. She will go to dad if she has too but her preference will still be me and frequently says "only mummy is my friend, daddy isn't". Since been a few months old daddy has taken her every Saturday and Sunday morning so I could catch up on sleep as she is a terrible sleeper and this didn't change her wanting me by default.

You haven't lost your little boy. Congratulations on your second little boy and I hope you find a way to navigate this new world of yours xx

Thank you he’s extraordinary he really does adapt to change amazing (since being born we’ve moved house, when he moved room in nursery etc and now this - he is quite adaptable)

DS2 is cluster feeding and it seems to be the case around bed time / just before he screams for a feed. DH tries rocking him soothing him but he starts rooting and chewing him indicisting he wants feeding and usually feeds a lot until around 1am then I can get a few hours

I knew I’d feel a bit like this because I kind of did revel in the mummies boy behaviour from DS and now he’s taken to other family doing tasks I always did (cos I enjoyed! And can’t wait to get back to it) I don’t feel jealous but a bit like don’t you miss me? :(

im being silly I know I’d be upset if he was upset all the time and jealous of DS2 and showing negative behaviour toward him etc

It's still such early days of being a family a 4. Super difficult if you have a cluster feeding infant. It will get easier. Maybe see if there is some time at the weekend for some quality time with your eldest.

It's hard when you have resilient little ones. My daughter is like this I'm always second guessing whether she is getting all she needs as she just rolls with life.

You are in the difficult days of a newborn I do think things will get easier and more balanced for you spreading your self between two boys in the coming weeks. Have you spoken to your partner about this?

Your eldest doesn't love you less, he is just growing up as he should. That means getting gradually more independent and more flexible. By caring for him and forming a strong attachment to him you have set him on a path of healthy emotional development. Well done! It's hard to let them gradually become less dependent on you, but that's part of your job as a mother. He'll still love you.

I wouldn't introduce a bottle for that reason, but free however is convenient to you. My twins had an evening bottle so I could read with my eldest after dinner and give her my full attention. But cluster feeding is a relatively short time. My youngest is 3months now. I still do bed time for the eldest 3 (DH was out tonight, and often is several nights a week). DD has stopped cluster feeding so she's usually awake while I settle eldest, then I feed her and pop get in the sling and she sleeps through her brothers bed time (mostly) and then I try to get her down. Admittedly that didn't work tonight and I'm typing this as I jiggle her in the hope her started cough doesnt wake he up again and I can put her in her cot before my back starts complaining too much....

It's important that your eldest doesn't feel they've lost you. I found it was usually easier to give them focussed time earlier in the day, rather than in the evenings when baby is more likely to be fussy. You lose bedtime for a bit, but you get it back when baby feeding sleep/settles down and becomes more predictable.

Can you still do part of bedtime, as it sounds like that's particularly important to you? I read lots of bedtime stories with DD2 feeding and DD1 snuggled into my side. Sang lots of lullabies to DD1 with DD2 feeding as well. If you do a bath before bed, you might not be able to do the actual bathing, but you could sit and feed DS2 and chat about what DS1 is playing and so on.

Similar age gap between. Mine but DC2 now 9 weeks old. For first 6 weeks husband was home and did pretty much all toddler wrangling. Husband works away so Ive been solo the past few weeks. Bedtimes aren’t always smooth. But we all sit in bed I feed baby and toddler cuddles in and we read books and cuddle till he falls asleep. Helps that toddler has a double bed in his room. I’m very lucky that so far baby is very chilled mostly but also a baby who wants to be held a lot particularly in the evenings and I feel bad for toddler as he’s not getting as much one and one time. I felt quite disconnected from him for the first few weeks but it has settled as time is going on. Hormone’s definitely have a lot to answer for.