Cross three year old

[Whattodo789]

Hi everyone,

I’m just after a bit of advice on how to approach one aspect of my DS’ behaviour. For context he turned 3 in December, and we also have a younger DS who has just turned 2.

He’s generally a really well behaved little boy. He definitely pushed boundaries, which is normal, but we’ve always been firm in holding our boundaries and saying no when needed etc.

With tantrums we first try distraction, which works 80% of the time, but if it doesn’t we sit close by to him and just say ‘Mummy/Daddy is here and ready to talk about it, let us know when you’re ready for a hug and to talk about it too’. DH and I are really happy with this as it works well and they’re both polite and kind little boys.

However over the last 3 weeks or so DS1 has started to get quite angry whilst he’s having a tantrum. Instead of just crying on the floor like usual, he’s started stomping around and picking things up and throwing them around the room. This obviously isn’t acceptable. He could break the items or hurt his brother or himself in the process.

I’m just not sure how to handle that situation? He’s too far gone in the tantrum to hear me when I say no, it’s like he’s switched off to external noise, and if I trying to physically restrain him it makes him so much worse and I’m using A LOT of force to keep hold of him. I’m a small woman and he’s quite tall for his age, it doesn’t feel right to use so much physical force against him.

Does anyone have any ideas or other approaches to try? I’m lost on this one and don’t know what the best thing to do is.

just a side note, this isn’t happening everyday, maybe about twice a week. He goes to nursery 2.5 days a week and has had not problems there, plays really well with the other kids etc.

My DS is the same age. I just pick him up and remove him, and sit him on the bottom of the stairs. Then I say something like it’s ok to be cross but we don’t break our toys, throw things or hurt people (as applicable) and that he can come back when he’s calmed down. As you say you can’t get through to them when they’re being like that and I’m not going to let him trash the place and break toys. Then I leave him to it, since for him it’s usually attention seeking behaviour and he trots back in about 30 seconds later perfectly calm. On the flip side he gets lots of praise for playing nicely. And we’ve been reading books about being cross etc. Thankfully it’s a phase that appears to be on its way out now, it peaked about a month ago. You know your child best but there’s no way mine would be able to talk about it after the fact- he’s tantrumming because he’s struggling to express whatever it is so there’s even less chance of him being able describe it when the feeling has passed. Even my 6.5YO struggles to say why she did something naughty: ‘I don’t know my brain made me do it’ 🤣 I wouldn’t expect a 3YO to be able to have a discussion like that! Solidarity though.

I'm with InThe. I think the language you're using and your expectations of him are too much for him to cope with which may he adding to his frustration.

Hiya, @CadyEastman @InTheRainOnATrain

Thanks for the insight, I’ll definitely take that on board!

It does seem to work okay though. He comes out of the tantrum, then sits on my knee and I ask him how he was feeling. He’ll say ‘I was sad’ or ‘I was cross’. I’ll ask him what made him feel that way, and he’ll tell me whatever the problem was. Such as ‘DS2 took my toy and I wanted it back’, or ‘I really wanted an icecream.’ Then we come up with a solution together and it’s all good. Is that too much? Should I not do that with him?

It’s more just every now and again he tips into throwing things and I don’t know the best way to stop him from doing that, because obviously he can’t be throwing things around the room.

I just don’t think a discussion is going to help at all with why he’s having the tantrum in the first place. Also, if you’re giving him a lot of attention for having had the tantrum, and then seeking a solution which goes part way to him getting what he wanted it may even be encouraging them… IDK you know your kid best! But giving them as little attention as possible worked for us. Doesn’t mean that’s the right solution for yours though. Good luck!

@InTheRainOnATrain yeah I can see your point there. I might give ignoring it a go and see how we get on! Thanks for your thoughts.