I feel like a terrible mum.

[EndoEnd]

My DD is 16 months old, I absolutely adore her and my life is so fulfilled with her. But I feel like I'm doing a terrible job, all the time!

I find myself thinking back on the day and criticising how I've parented that day, and then feel so much guilt for things that I feel I have done wrong. I tend to lose patience with her towards the evening, when she's tired and I am too. I get a bit snappier then I remind myself to stay calm. She is constantly going around doing the things she isn't meant to, in the dogs water bowl, going into the cupboard under the stairs with the dogs food, ripping leaves off plants, taking stuff out the bin. No matter how much redirection I give she just goes back as soon as I stop engaging with her in her play, she does play on her own so it's not like I overindulge her play time. I just can't work any of it out.
She's getting quite bad with the hitting/smacking and I feel like it's because I've done something wrong and not helped her figure out that it isn't acceptable. When she's whinging at me to pick her up while I'm trying to do things and I don't, I feel like that is wrong and that she's going to feel unattached, but also I don't want her to feel like she can whinge at me constantly for attention while I'm doing stuff like cooking (which is dangerous to have her around).

I feel like I don't spend enough time playing with her. I take her out for a walk everyday with the dog, and then usually another outing, but then I tend to feel guilty that I haven't done anything inside. She can't say many words at the moment and I feel like it's because I haven't taught her well enough. She only had one nap a day and I'm lucky if I get that to 45 minutes, but she won't physically do 2 naps anymore.

I also work long shifts but only twice a week, but part of my role means I am a point of contact for employees in the day for certain things, so sometimes when I'm not "on shift" I can have to do a bit of work on phone calls etc but this is only small amounts and doesn't impact her day as a usually time it all for her nap.

I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong all the time. Please tell me I'm not on my own here, like sometimes I genuinely think someone could do a better job for her than I do.

Forgot to add I suffer with chronic pain, which I can usually deal with but occasionally it does interfere with y parenting and patience. Not an excuse, just insight.

Breathe! She sounds like she's having a lovely childhood. A 16 month old SHOULD be in the dog bowl at least five times a day.

Sounds like your doing an amazing job
Just take some time off to yourself to regulate your emotions so you don't feel impatient
Look at some Montessori methods of getting the child involved in your cooking and day to day chores . I found this helped me loads when I'm trying to get things done . My son will be happy to throw away vegetables peels one by one in the bin whilst I do some cooking. Maybe try and get rid of all the things that she's touching often out of the way such as the plant etc or lock the cupboards Basically have alot more 'yes spaces' so your not always saying no and removing her. It would be less stressful for you

That makes me feel better. Thank you

I do get her involved in daily "tasks" like cooking, hoovering, she does the washing up with me every night and helps with the washing (puts washing in and out of the machine and tumble dryer).
The cupboards do have locks on barring the one under the stairs and I could move the plant. There are loads of yes areas in our house, very little no areas, she just seems to gravitate to those.
I think you're right, maybe I need to try and self regulate 🤔

You're not a terrible mum, I'm so sorry you feel that way. CBT might help with the constant going over things.

My 14 month old is constantly at the bin and anything she shouldn't touch, I think it's normal.

I like the idea of involving her in tasks though, I'll use that!

This made me laugh :-D

Oh my goodness my son is 2 and 4 months and I could have written this, he’s a monster! But he’s learning, developing and having fun (so I keep telling myself). He’s getting better to be fair, things are always changing and everything seems to be a phase. Frustrating at the time but short lived and onto the next one. Sounds like you’re doing a great job :)

You're doing fine OP but you need to seriously lower your expectations and ease up on yourself.

I'm sure your daughter is a wee stoater but at her age they're all the same. She's barely been on the planet a minute. The first year she was basically a semi-sentient loaf of bread just plonked here and there. Now she's starting to explore but all she's got is tumbleweed floating about her skull.

Toddlers are damn stupid for a long time. She's doing exactly what they all do. It's infuriating but you have to just go with it. Just say "no" and redirect her. Don't even exhaust yourself with long explanations she doesn't understand. "No that's dirty", "no that's hot", "we don't touch that" is enough, then move her away and on to something else.

Don't worry about her talking. It'll come and she'll drive you fucking loopy in a whole new way.

Relax, you're doing just fine! Looking after a 16 month old is full on and they are into everything! Sounds like you are overthinking and beating yourself up over nothing. Your days are busy but try to have a good bedtime routine with lots of cuddles and giving her your full attention and reading stories and singing lullabies - make it a special time for the two of you ❤️

You’re doing amazing! Sounds like my life! Our 21 month old loves the dry cat food bowl, I accidentally bought an absolutely massive bag of cat food so now I’ve popped a safe cup in there for him to crack on and refill her food when we’re doing stuff in the kitchen. I bought him a brush, dustpan etc as he likes to try to ‘help’ me, I regularly give him a bowl of bubbly warm water for him to play/scrub the floor with me and it’s fine, he loves it and who care if there’s water all over the kitchen floor? He’s having fun, that’s all that matters and then after the cat food his favourite is washing his hands!
It can be daunting while cooking the constant ‘up!’ But I pick him up for a minute show him what I’m doing and he’s happy. I even give him a chopping board on the table or floor with a blunt knife to ‘help’ chop something that I’m not going to use but he can cut like a banana or pear. At these ages, they absolutely adore ‘helping’ and with the cleaning it gets them into a healthy habit. I haven’t hoovered so much in my life until he decided he loved it and he’s got his own Henry now to ‘help’ 😂
You’re doing amazing!

@Poundtown your comment really made me laugh!

@EndoEnd you're doing a great job! Your daughter sounds just like my son, and he's absolutely fabulous. He's 17 months and one of his favourite things to do is wrestle the bin across the kitchen! He also only naps once a day, and he doesn't have many words either, despite us reading with him all the time AND having an older brother who just doesn't stop talking. His brother didn't talk "properly" (in phrases and then sentences) until he was 2.5 and now he just won't stop.

At that age it's their world and the rest of us just live in it and exist to annoy them by telling them all the things they can't do that they really want to (bin dive, fall over the back of the sofa, grab a hot cup of tea, pull the TV down on themselves, I could go on). You are doing such a good job! Don't doubt yourself.

You’ve probably heard of the “terrible twos” …. They’re a lie!
once children start moving they’re REALLY hard work!

miniature versions of yourself without regulation, understanding of safety and not enough language to tell or negotiate with !

the good news is the more you talk to them, the more they start to understand, then you get the cheeky sideways look when they learn they’re pushing boundaries! (Try not to laugh and stay firm! 😂)

they get a bit easier. You’re teaching EVERYTHING at the moment.

enjoy. x

I would add, find your balance about what you say no to and what you move out of reach. One of my friends moved EVERYTHING 4ft of the floor when her children were little.
worked for them in their house, but they were like wrecking balls everywhere else !!

teach the child not just adjust the environment. … a healthy balance that works.

Oh my god- when our 3 year old was 16 months she’d be trying to sneakily go for the dog bowl but give herself away laughing about it- which was hilarious.

It all sounds completely normal and good- you’re both doing all the right things. Except you can definitely work on going easier on yourself. Perfection is a prerequisite for nothing but pain and you are 100% the right person to take the best care of her. You got this!

Reading this I feel exhausted for you. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself.
My boys have been in full time nursery since they were 8 months old and when a toddler you can ask them 50 x not to do something and they’ll still do it as they don’t get it. I used to put barriers and stair gates to block everything that they can’t touch as telling them not to was way too tiring. We had to get rid of stands, block off the bins as I hate them touching it, locks on all cupboard, plug covers etc… and if possible a play pen but that didn’t work with my youngest as he always wanted more space to walk around.
All the mum guilt is wasted energy. They don’t even remember anything at this age. My boys are the happiest, energetic and incredibly kind kids and I have zero guilt that they are in nursery/school from 8.30-6pm Monday to Friday. They have way more fun than hanging out with me as my eldest always gets bored at the weekend and I take him to do lots of different activities.
You’ll exhaust yourself unnecessarily with all that worry.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment! I feel soooo much better hearing all of your children's lovely characters and learning my DD is just like the others! She's so spirited which is one thing I love so much about her, but my god I'm exhausted 😂
I need to ease up on myself, you're all so right. Thank you 🙏🏼