Critique my weekly schedule - drained introvert needing advice

[bowwowwowser]

Not sure if this is parenting or life-ing, but I am so exhausted all the time. The relentlessness of parenthood is getting to me and I need to change something.

If I didn't have children, I'd probably spend a couple nights a week tucked under a blanket with a book. Pre-kids, I had lots of friends and artistic interests so I might go to the cinema or art exhibition 2 nights a week. A year ago we moved and I don't have friends where I live, so my schedule below is the same week in and week out.

Background: introvert, early 40s, married, work full time, have children age 3 and 4. Husband very involved (takes care of DC, cooks less than me but does more of other stuff).

This is how it goes right now:

Weekdays:
I wake naturally around 5 a.m., which is fine if the children have slept through. I have a coffee before they get up at 6. From 6 - 8 a.m. on the days I don't go to the office, we get them up and dressed. On days I go to the office, I leave by 6:30 a.m. and DH handles the morning routine. I leave the office around 4 p.m., race home to make a quick dinner for DC, and pick them up at nursery at 5. Dinner at 5:30, pajamas, play, and one cartoon before DH is done with work. DC go up to bed around 7. Then I eat dinner and watch TV with DH. Around 8:30 p.m., I tidy, set out clothes, and get in bed to read. I probably read about two pages before I fall asleep before 9:30 p.m.

Weekends:
Same morning except no work - I still wake at 5 a.m, coffee, kids up around 6. One weekend day DC4 has an activity, the other weekend day both DC do an activity together. Otherwise it's playgrounds, lunch, maybe a visit to grandma or a baking project. Each parent gets one weekend afternoon hour off per day; otherwise we are all together. I usually read a book in my hour "off". Nights are the same.

Could be this is just parenthood and (nearly 5 years in) I'm a major wimp with an unreasonable need for recharge time. I love my children but I feel absolutely exhausted. Any ideas from fellow parent introverts who have small kids -- how do you recharge (and find time to do it)?

Gro clock. Set to 8 at weekends (work up to it) and have coffee together before they get up.
Get out one evening? I do yoga, so it’s pretty restful and you can wear slouchy clothes.
Can you make it a weekend afternoon off each, so you could travel to meet up with friends or go to a gallery?
My sympathies though, it is hard. I have 5&3yr olds and its really tough.

Can you have a supply of kid teas in the freezer, so you can go straight to pick them up and not worry about cooking for them every night and the extra journey?

I just put a child sized portion in the freezer every time we have anything suitable, so it’s no extra work.

One easy change could be to try and incorporate what you say you'd do without children: "spend a couple nights a week tucked under a blanket with a book". Start with once a week and don't do any tidying, just have a nice night off.

It would also be nice to have a bit of time with friends - could you try that one evening next week?

What do you do on your commute - is there an opportunity to do something for yourself? Maybe a lighthearted podcast if you drive?

Can you book a day of annual leave and have a day for yourself to do whatever you'd like?

You have my sympathies - the early years are tough!

Make dinner time easier for yourself and batch cook/freeze. Use that time to sit and be instead.

As the kids get older it gets easier in terms of physical stuff, but they're awake more!

You're up very early, I'd be trying to get more sleep then, use blackout blinds or similar. Those 3 morning hours mean your evening is short as you want to get to bed. If you're up for an hour before kids, lie and read.

Some times it's about shifting our expectations. I had to reframe things in my mind, like being out without kids. At one point I was so resentful of my husband when I was out without the kids, as all I wanted was to be home alone. I had to train my thoughts that this time away was relaxation even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted.

Yes, I would pick DC up on way home rather than coming back - I always find the transition of coming home/leaving the house is draining TBH. Unless the nursery is walking distance from home or something.

Quick teas or batch cooking or let them watch their cartoon while you cook.

Would it work to make dinner for everyone at 5:30ish?

Could you stretch the "time off" so you get a weekend morning/afternoon each?

Do you find watching TV with DH relaxing/recharging or is this more draining because it is social - could you cut this down to say 2 TV nights per week and the rest of the week is yours to do what you want with? If you did want to make local friends then an evening activity once a week / every 2 weeks is a good way to get to see the same people regularly and build relationships.

Could you do family tidy up time when DH gets home so it's done and you don't have to think of this in the evening? DC age 3 and 4 who are tired are going to be variable with joining in but IME if you just keep modelling it in front of them and then praise them to the hilt any time they help (but don't nag them/force them to help) then they will get into the swing of it more and more.

Yes eating together may be much better, you'll not have to cook again after bedtime. I missed that, or even if you cooked and played something up for DH. Sod cooking twice.

This isn’t special to introverts. Working and looking after small children is fucking knackering. I’m as extrovert as they come and I’m exhausted

Do you have hobbies other than reading? Because doing the same thing all the time in your downtime isn't very varied.

Maybe throw in some different wind-down activities to mix things up.

My daily routine sounds the same but with more hobbies to drive the kids to and I have a total sensory overload by 8pm I can't face talking to or being around anyone so I go into my home office and read some nights so I'm not near anyone. Sorry not helpful but yes it's exhausting, and relentless.

Might be the case, @Rainallnight ! Just speaking for myself though, I chill by being by myself, and that rarely happens with kids. I have some extrovert friends who are parents who enjoy chill-out time with their spouses and kids, whereas I'd like to be solo.

Thanks all, for your ideas. Lots of good ones.

@Lostthetastefordahlias Both DC have gro clocks and neither have been swayed at all! They are up at 6, regardless of when they've gone down.

DH finishes work about 6:45 (unpredictable), so if I ate with DC he'd eat alone. They're not terribly hungry after nursery so their tea is very light (e.g. hummus, cut veg, pita). The real cooking happens later, but we switch who cooks vs who puts them down.

Ideas that I want to try:

• Trying to get out 1x per week doing something that would help me make local friends (not sure what this might be -- book club maybe an obvious choice, might also try an exercise class)
• Watching less TV. I don't like watching TV nightly (but I think DH really loves this as 'us time' and he loves TV). I think I just need to carve out a night or so and send apologies :)
• Podcast on commute.
• Batch cooking.
• Getting children involved with tidying.
• An afternoon off on the weekend -- seems wild but would like to try it!

Suggest you and partner take it in turns to have an afternoon off on weekends. I know you’re tired but sometimes movement is energising eg yoga, walking. You must take some time for yourself. I think this is just life with young kids.

Something that helps me, about once every other week, is to be out of the house from when work ends to 7-8pm, so I'm just home to stay goodnight to DC. Opting out of the dinner, bath, and bed route from time to time is great.

A walking group might be good to try to make local friends, as often there is time just walking as well as chatting which helps me feel recharged as an introvert.
The groclocks are a lot of work to start with! We did no tv if they didnt wait til it goes yellow, but that can be a rod for your own back as well!

One hour a weekend?! Hell no. I think your biggest mistake is that you are either doing childcare or family time. Its not necessary to all be together all the time when you aren't working - which is where you are at right now.

Weekend mornings - alternate lie ins. Doesn't matter if you are awake anyway- head upstairs with a coffee, breakfast and a book and leave dh to handle the morning until 9am. Then swap the following day.

Ditto, you other need proper time. So one weekend afternoon you take kids out for a few hours alone while he is at home (or you stay in while he goes out- whatever your preference) and then the following week you get the same. Or do it fortnightly (once a month each) if that feels too much to start.

Get out of house on night a week or fortnight. Meet a friend, go.to.gym, whatever. Just so that you are not at home in routine with responsibility of bed, dinner etc.

And in the nicest way- watching tv with your dh is fine and lovely but some nights he can watch something while you read or whatever.

Weeknight meals - just give up. I mean that nicely. Beans on toast is fine. Porridge even. Or if you don't want to sink that low, spend 15 minutes in the morning putting the slow cooker on and make a couple of days worth of spag bol or chili etc. There is nothing wrong with bunging a flavour packet or two in with a pack of mince, some canned beans and tomatoes and chopped peppers or carrots etc. Onion frying is a completely unnecessary step. Batch it up into single person portions and freeze. Same for mash!

Weekends do you ever just go out on your own to mooch round a bookshop and drink coffee? If not start now. They will all survive just fine without you. And don't prep for them or clean up after them when you do that. Just walk out cheerily for a couple of hours.

Join a class, sewing, Spanish, whatever. Commit to one evening a week out.

Take another evening to yourself, after the dc are in bed tell DH your off for a run / to read your book / have a bath or whatever. If you don't like tv why are you subjecting yourself to it 7 night a week?

Alternate taking an entire afternoon off each weekend, go back to your own place and see a friend / look around the shops or whatever.

Stop cooking 2 meals, it's soul destroying.

But yes, it's hard work. I love time alone and cut many corners to get it as often as possible.

I prep the week at weekends for as much as possible.
Thursday/ Friday - work from home so all the laundry is caught up, and I do the weekly shop.
Saturday AM - mammoth putting laundry away.
Sunday PM -
Kids clothes - for the week are laid out (I'd like to pretend in cutely labelled baskets but no, on the floor) so there's no hunting around for bits.
All karate kits, swimming stuff, cubs uniforms etc laid out too for activities.
Write a meal plan for the week, and batch cook a few things - eg a massive stew, which I'll then portion out and then eat for the next few weeks. On average we eat 3x from freezer per week, I'll do 1x slow cooker (with leftovers to feed the freezer) and 1x meal prepped fresh. I cook once, and then sometimes DH and I will have ours later.

I get my introvert time working from home. I'll take a proper lunch break (I'm saving on commuting time) and have a nap or a bath or something. Phone and laptop on silent so they don't disturb me.

I think your easiest win for time saving is batch cooking. Maybe you can start with that and see how your mood improves

I think at 3&4 you’re out of the trenches in terms of needing man to man marking so definitely time to tag team weekends more ( could I squeeze in any more bad metaphors if I tried?? 🤣). I’d organise it so you both get useful time to yourself where you can actually get out and do something, so a chunk of a few hours at a time that works for you and whatever you want to do. Personally I also don’t always watch dc’s activities if there’s a drop and go option. This gets more possible once they hit school age though.

Choir kept me sane, one evening a week when I was out and could do something joyful but not necessarily social (though a bit of adult chat at coffee time was nice).

I’d second batch cooking and having child portions ready to go so you’re re-heating rather than cooking. I used to freeze ramekins of cottage pie or macaroni cheese or whatever we had eaten recently.

My DH eats dinner on the sofa next to me. I eat with DS. He would have no problem eating alone though if I wanted to have a bath or was tidying up though.

It does get easier.